27 Apr 2020

Verbal Freedoms

by | posted in: Moral Training, Training | 0

What are verbal freedoms?  How do you know if your children are taking freedoms that don’t belong to them?  What do you do about a child who has too many verbal freedoms?  In this two-part blog, we’ll look at verbal freedoms.

A young mom once contacted me for advice about the recurring tantrums her 3 1/2 year old was throwing.  Almost every time he received a consequence for some misdeed, he would have a meltdown. We arranged to spend some time together to see if I could help her figure out why this was happening. This little guy was talkative, charming, and sweet. He was precocious in both knowledge and language development. Mom had been working on the principle of first-time obedience and her son came to the call of his name with a “Yes, Mommy, coming,” about 60-70% of the time. As a stay-at-home mom, she regularly spent time teaching and training her son and his siblings. What we discovered after some time together was that her talkative son was outside the funnel* in mainly one area: verbal freedoms.

Recognize the Problem

Here are some common ways children take verbal freedoms:

Frequently using phrases such as…

  • “Yeah, I know.” This phrase cropped up at times of instruction as well as in general conversation. Even when it was new information, this little one frequently responded with a “yeah, I know.” Clearly he thought he knew a lot.
  • “I was just going to….” This was often spoken when his mother gave him a task to do and he wanted to let her know what he was planning in the moment. Often he would modify whatever his mom asked him to do; e.g. “Put on your rain boots to go outside,” was answered with, “I was just going to wear my play shoes.”
  • “Why?” He would ask why when he knew why or had just been told why but was looking to keep the adult engaged and the conversation centered on his interests.

Other verbal freedom include:

  • frequently repeating the same question, even after it has been answered
  • correcting adults when they misspeak and sometimes when they don’t
  • telling the parent what he is going to do instead of asking permission
  • bossiness when playing with others
  • constantly expressing an opinion or giving information
  • interjecting thoughts into adult conversations
  • talking over others and not using the interrupt rule
  • negotiating for something other than what the parent originally said – this can be in the smallest of details and is easy to overlook
  • failing to say “Yes, Mom” (or Dad) after being called or receiving instruction and/or saying something else instead

In most if not all of his communication, my little friend was very pleasant and engaging. His tone was rarely argumentative even when he was talking back. His reasonable tone made it difficult at times to identify the exact problem with what he said.

How can too many verbal freedoms lead to tantrums?

1 Corinthians 8:1 “…Knowledge puffs up…”

Children under 5 are not mature enough to distinguish between moral and non-moral choices or ideas. When they are allowed the freedom to speak, do, or choose as they please in one area, they assume they are wise enough to do so in any area. Such freedom is beyond their developmental maturity and leads the child to have an erroneous confidence in himself and his own knowledge. The biblical term for this is being “wise in one’s own eyes.” A child who thinks more highly of himself than he ought will often respond in anger when crossed. Too much freedom, verbal or otherwise, keeps the child from recognizing his parents’ authority over his choices and can lead to tantrums when he disagrees with Mom or Dad’s decisions.

Do you have a child who has too many verbal freedoms?  Are you now recognizing some areas where your child has been subtly challenging your authority through his speech?  In part two of this blog, we’ll look at how to correct this problem.

*If you are unfamiliar with the concept of “the funnel” check out these blogs:

https://christianfamilyheritage.org/your-childs-perception-is-everything/

https://christianfamilyheritage.org/help-i-dont-know-how-to-use-the-funnel/

 

Beth Ann Plumberg and her recently retired husband, Chuck, have 4 wonderful sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love and 5 adorable grandchildren. They have been married for 37 years and have taught parenting classes since 1993.
20 Apr 2020

A Pandemic Perspective – Having Your Students at Home

by | posted in: Routine | 1

Do you unexpectedly have your college student(s) living at home due to the closure of campuses?  We do!  Or maybe your high schoolers are suddenly learning from home after their schools closed.  As a former homeschool family, I blissfully pictured being back on a familiar routine complete with 3 meals together, school time, free time, and responsibilities.  While those sweet times occurred when our children were younger, it’s not realistic for me to assume that this picture will remain the same with young adults or teenagers back in the home full time. In fact, we are still finding our groove, which is okay! Here’s the reason why: CONTEXT.

The pandemic and its effects occurred suddenly.  Students who intended to come home for a week-long Spring Break found themselves home for the semester.  While they are adapting to distance-learning, professors and teachers find themselves completely re-thinking teaching methods.  The same is true for our high school senior and applies to many different students in various grades and schooling situations.

CONTEXT is helping us navigate this uncharted territory:

Conversations allow us to discuss our new normal together. What are the expectations and which ones need to be modified?  Where can each of us bend and give?

Otherness reminds us to consider the needs of all of our family members.  We each have different schedules and responsibilities for outside commitments.

Neatness has been a biggie for me.  While having everyone spend hours on deep cleaning and decluttering their closets and drawers would be amazing, I’m choosing to be content with public spaces that are tidy and clutter free.  In addition, we’ve started picking one bigger project per week (like a bedroom closet) that my adult children and teens can complete on their own time.

Time is precious, so why not make the most of it?  When I’m walking daily for exercise, usually one of my sons will volunteer to walk with me. During these times, deeper concerns of the heart make themselves known.  Even walks around the block with the dog provide opportunities for me and my husband to connect.

Eating together has been tricky due to work and school. We just can’t get our mealtimes synced.  While I’d love to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together daily, we’ve agreed that weekday family dinners will be a priority.  But even last night, a college class interrupted that plan.  Weekends are more relaxed, so we can grill out or eat leftovers together as work and study schedules allow.

X-tra sleep is okay. College students keep different hours than we do, and that means later bedtimes and, yes, later wake-up times.   My husband and I are usually up at 5 am.  While I’d love to see our kids up at a “normal” hour, we’ve settled on meeting in the middle.

Togetherness is key.  Living in the same house doesn’t mean we’re necessarily together.  We’ve actually had to work harder to make our schedules meet.  Family nights may not occur as frequently as initially envisioned, but one non-negotiable time together is church.  We’ve enjoyed worshipping together with our church online.

As defined by dictionary.com, context is “the set of circumstances or facts that surround a particular event, situation, etc.”  We find ourselves in unprecedented times as we follow stay-at-home orders and practice social distancing.  Considering the context allows for flexibility.  Letting go of my expectations has been key.  When we look back on this time, I pray that it will be said of us that we made the best use of our unexpected time together.

Eph 5:15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity…

Bethany Mounts and her husband, Brian live in the Charleston, SC area with their three sons. They lead classes together and Bethany serves on the board for Christian Family Heritage in addition to being a Contact Mom.
13 Apr 2020

Helping Your Child Achieve the Virtue of Self-Control

by | posted in: Heart Training, Structure | 1

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.     Proverbs 25:28

“Self-control: the ability to control oneself, in particular one’s emotions and desires or the expression of them in one’s behavior, especially in difficult situations.” That’s not the most popular or sought-after attribute to be gained these days. We live in an era of “self-expression” and “following your heart”.  Despite what the world and our culture would have you believe, self-control is a gift.  When your child gains mastery over his emotions and his will, he’ll be able to make wise choices based on what’s RIGHT rather than how he FEELS.

If self-control is such an important virtue, when should parents start teaching self- control to their children?

As soon as your child becomes mobile, you can begin to implement strategies of self-control. Teach your crawling baby that there are boundaries that need to be respected and items that shouldn’t be touched, as well as where the appropriate play areas and toys are. This primes your baby to handle emotionally charged situations later on as a toddler, when he’ll be better able to handle a “no” from Mom or Dad even when it makes him upset.

The next tool you can utilize to strengthen self-control is teaching your child to fold his hands. This can begin between ages 18-24 months. At our house, we begin with a copy game of clapping, hands on head, then folding hands. Just as a game. Once you know your toddler knows how to fold his hands and follow these instructions, sit him on a chair and tell him to fold his hands for a couple of minutes a day.  Make it a fun, praise-worthy time. If the child attempts to get down, firmly tell him, “No, you need to obey. Mommy said to stay here.”  After a few days of consistency with this exercise, it will quickly become a normal part of your child’s life.

A child who is used to these times of “quiet hands” will have very few issues when you need to use this in the doctor’s office, the car, the line at the store, etc.  Instruct your preschooler that the reason why we choose to show self-control and use quiet hands in these places is because we want to consider the preciousness of those around us. If we’re loud and out of control, it makes others feel like we don’t care about them, and that’s not how Jesus wants them to feel.

Do you have a sensitive child who struggles with self-control?  Consider these four things when helping your child gain victory over emotional outbursts:

          * Time: If your child has thrown a fit, sit him down and wait a few minutes before talking. During those few minutes, take the time to pray to make sure that you’re calm and ready to talk.

* Tone: Remember that a parent who lacks self-control can’t teach a child self- control. More is caught than taught and a child who sees anger, frustration, and complaining from his parent is only going to magnify that behavior. Parents must talk to their child in a controlled, firm way, void of tones that convey a message of disdain for him as a person.

* Speaking to the virtue: Once you have yourself under control, begin to talk to your child about the issue he is facing. Express that the behavior was unacceptable and why, but also elevate the right action and convey your good opinion of him as a person. Give him a high standard to reach for and put in his heart a desire to reach that standard through words that feed his spirit rather than crushing it.

* Consequences: If a child is led to believe that acting upon all of his feelings is okay, he is being set up for failure in his life. Consequences communicate that a total lack of self-control is unacceptable. If left uncorrected during childhood, the person will end up having a hard time holding a job when his employer or co-workers are difficult. His marriage will suffer because lasting true love is an ACTION outside of feelings. He’ll struggle in his parenting to be the example his children need, and so on. So while knowing how to talk to your child in the right time and tone is important, it is even more important that unrestrained emotional outbursts do not go without consequences.

Maybe your child isn’t usually overcome with sadness or anger but doesn’t show self-control when he is excited. Is there such a thing as too much excitement?

Have you ever seen a child go absolutely crazy screaming, yelling, and running because of a gift he just opened? Or a child who screams and cries uncontrollably because he just found out he’s going to Disney World?  There’s nothing wrong with excitement, and showing your appreciation towards the giver is very polite. What isn’t a demonstration of self-control is when a child’s excitement ceases to be thankful toward the giver and instead is fueled by a selfish desire to gain MORE in the future or just to get the attention of those around him. A parent must be able to discern her child’s heart and coach him into harnessing his excitement to be focused on others rather than self. If self-absorbed excitement is allowed to persist, or worse, is encouraged, it will lead to a deep sense of self-centeredness.

As a parent you have the ability to understand the long-term benefits of self-control.  Encouraging self-control now in your child’s life is an empowering gift that will last a lifetime.

Stacy Bullock is a wife and stay-at-home mother of three kids. Married to her high school sweetheart, Joshua, she couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling life. She enjoys playing the cello, horseback riding, and helping other mothers find fulfillment in making their quiver a happy and heavenly home to sharpen and ready their arrows (children) to be launched into the world to glorify God in following His calling on their lives.
6 Apr 2020

Answering the Difficult Questions our Children Ask

by | posted in: Family, Protecting the Innocence of Childhood | 0

 

It seems that everywhere we turn, children are being exposed to more and more conversations and lifestyles that rush them into a world of sexual knowledge long before they are emotionally or intellectually ready to handle such knowledge. This reality begs the question: How can parents protect their children from intrusive knowledge, whether it comes from a school health class or a playground conversation?

What if your seven-year-old asks, “Why does Katie have two mommies?” What if Katie lives in your neighborhood and she invites your daughter over to visit and play? How will you answer that question and others like it?

The ideal time to be thinking about your response is before the situation arises, because it will arise, especially if your children attend a school where misguided and misdirected sex education advice is prevalent. Parents who send their children to private or Christian schools fare only a little better, depending on the school’s philosophy relating to protecting the innocence of childhood. Even in the most protected environments, teachers and school administrators cannot monitor every lunchroom or playground conversation.

The question of how parents can protect the sexual innocence of childhood is not a matter of whether or not sexual knowledge should be transferred, but what knowledge should be transferred, how should it be transferred, and when.

The good news is that parents can mitigate the threat of intrusive sexual knowledge without having to totally isolate their children from the world waiting just outside their front doors. The place to start is with Mom and Dad’s understanding of how to transfer sexual knowledge to children. A great way to deepen this understanding is to find a Protecting the Innocence of Childhood class, either locally or online at https://growingfamilies.life/find-a-class-home.

Or, you can order the series and workbook at https://www.gfibookstore.com/protecting-the-innocence-of-childhood/ and go through it as a couple. The course provides a full explanation of the practical things parents can do to manage the sexual overload challenge that robs children of their innocence.

 

But what about your child and the two questions:

  1. “Why does Katie have two mommies?”
  2. “Katie invited me over to visit and play. May I go?”

How do you respond, and where do you begin?

At some point your children will likely ask a probing question. Will you be ready? What information can you safely share? How detailed should that information be? Where is the line separating “sufficient information” from “too much information”? Please consider these three guidelines:

 

  • Remember the age of your child. As simple as this principle may sound, parents often forget to whom they are speaking. Is the question coming from a curious first-grader or a probing 13-year-old? A question generated by a five-year-old does not carry the same weight of expectation or urgency as a similar question asked by a teen. Nor should Mom or Dad’s answer provide the same level of detail. The deciding factors will always be the child’s age, and his/her moral and intellectual maturity to handle the information. Attached to a 12-year-old’s questions are experiences, associations, observations, and a level of comprehension which are not present in a five-year-old. When a five-year-old asks, “Why does Katie have two mommies?” the answer does not have to be overly detailed. It can be a simple as, “Katie only has one Mommy, but her Mommy has a friend living with her who also loves Katie.”  However, if that question comes from a 10-year-old, parents no longer have the luxury of providing simple answers. Some additional age-appropriate facts will still be necessary.

 

  • Make sure the question you hear is the actual question being asked. A seven-year-old arrives home from school and asks, “Where did I come from?” Unprepared for the question, his mother works her way through a red-faced explanation. When she is done, she asks if he has any questions.  The son replies, “Just one. The new kid in school came from St Louis and I wanted to know where I came from.” Sometimes parents answer the wrong question with detailed information that the child is not seeking.  Understanding the question starts with understanding the why behind the question, especially if it is coming from a young child. To help discover the why behind your child’s question, do a little probing, such as, “That is an interesting question. Why are you asking?” or, “What made you think of that question?” Parents can navigate and respond to any question if they know what the real question is.

 

  • Not every question needs an immediate answer. When dealing with sexual matters, parents are not under any obligation to provide an answer on demand. Not every moment is the right moment, nor does every question have a simple answer. The truth is that no matter how prepared you think you are, some questions need a little extra time to figure out. Answering with, “Let’s save that question for tomorrow,” or “I’ll explain that when you get older,” are very legitimate responses. Delaying an answer is also a way to measure the child’s actual level of interest and whether the question was just a fleeting, momentary idea or a pressing need. If it was the latter, rest assured your child will ask the question again.

 

To address the second question regarding your daughter playing at Katie’s house, consider a play date at your house instead. Take control of the situation by controlling the play environment. If Katie’s mom allows her to come to your home, that provides you the opportunity to get to know the child and monitor the conversation. If you are challenged by a question and unsure of what the best response is, consider this helpful tool for wise decision-making at https://growingfamilies.life/search?q=MYV5-15S.%20

 

The home environment is a child’s first classroom and it sets in place patterns of thought and attitudes that carry the child forward. Even after peers begin to exert influence, such influence does not tend to overshadow the influence found in strong family relationships. How you respond to the difficult questions your child asks today will lay the foundation for their continued purity as they mature into adolescence and adulthood.

 

 

Anne Marie Ezzo serves with her husband in ministering to families around the world through Growing Families International. For the past 30+ years her passion has been, and continues to be, to encourage wives and moms to practically understand what it means to “love your husband and children”.

 

 

 

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