Question: I hope you can help. My sister called me in a panic. She is concerned that her 5-year-old son seems to prefer playing with his sister’s dolls and dress-up clothes. With all the discussion of gender confusion and homosexuality, what should I say to her?
Response: First of all, to put everyone’s mind at ease, young children do not think in terms of gender identity or confusion. For them, their gender is what they see when they go to the bathroom, and they are not confused about it unless a confusing idea is planted in their minds. Encourage your sister not to panic or to speak to her son in fearful tones or communicate that the behavior being displayed is bad, wrong, or not in keeping with his gender. Instead, she needs to encourage her son in his gender role, but do not make his gender so restrictive that not even God recognizes it.
As it relates to gender and gender identity, a parent’s emphasis should not be on prohibiting playing dress-up, but instead making sure to encourage activities that complement the child’s natural propensity. Have him dress up according to his gender. Throw into the dress-up box some of Dad’s or Grandpa’s old ties, jackets, hats, and shirts.
Any parent should not be limited by social traditions that have no biblical validity. Boys can be great cooks, artists, and musicians, and be expert dressmakers (roles society often labels as ‘feminine’). Conversely, girls can be great athletes or carpenters, or wield a chain saw (roles society has traditionally labeled as ‘masculine’). Play activities may reflect a child’s gender, but they do not define it— the child’s brain does. Remember, God designed each gender: “Male and female, did He create them” (Gen1:27). The brain of each gender is uniquely different as well.
For a fuller explanation of this topic and many more, we would recommend enrolling in a Protecting the Innocence of Childhood class through www.GrowingFamilies.Life.
Anne Marie Ezzo serves with her husband in ministering to families around the world through Growing Families International. For the past 30+ years her passion has been, and continues to be, to encourage wives and moms to practically understand what it means to “love your husband and children”.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. Proverbs 15:1-2
Understanding godly communication was one of the hardest things I ever learned as a parent. I am a very vocal person, and I love words and talking. The subject of godly communication kept coming up early in our parenting journey when we were taking a Growing Kids God’s Way class. I thought I could use my understanding of this principle for my own happiness and satisfaction while keeping order in my home and my children in line. This is where Proverbs 15 comes into play. While I was using harsh words to control my children’s words, my own mouth was pouring forth foolishness. Convicted of my sin, I realized that I would never reach my children’s hearts just by controlling their words. I had to teach my kids to have a soft answer and to use their words rightly, but it had to begin in me first. I don’t know about you, but to me, speaking is how we get our point across in this life. My “aha” moment on this parenting journey in the godly communication department wasn’t about teaching my children just to be quiet, but how to communicate what they wanted wisely and with the proper words, tone, and timing.
For instance, you want to teach a child that whines that what he is asking for may be fine, but how he is asking for it is not. If a child whines while asking for a drink of water, denying the drink of water will not teach the child not to whine. Teaching a child to use their words rightly, however, will accomplish this goal. Godly communication also includes the tone of voice used. Instruct your child to ask properly by saying, “Can you ask again without whining?” Then teach him to start his response with, “Yes Mommy, no whining. May I please have a drink of water?” Remember, this is a journey. We aren’t looking for perfection, but a right attitude with a submissive heart.
Another area that seems to be a common one in most households is when a child becomes angry at his sibling or parent. Parents must make sure they respond with well-chosen words while teaching the child to change how he is using his tone and words. Teaching that a soft answer turns away wrath might look differently from situation to situation. Sometimes you may need to isolate a child until he gets self-control; at other times, asking probing questions may help to diffuse the anger. One question a parent could ask a child that is using harsh words is, “What do you need?” If the child just wants to argue with either a sibling or parent and can’t answer the question, then time in isolation is definitely needed until he can have a humble attitude that demonstrates itself with a soft answer.
Always remember that your ultimate goal in encouraging godly communication is still to reach your child’s heart with biblical principles. You are on a journey and the destination is your child’s heart attitude. When your child is not using his words rightly, teach them Proverbs 15:1-2, and enjoy seeing how God can transform his heart with soft answers and right words.
Cynthia Schrock was born in Ohio but grew up on the mission field with her parents in Quito, Ecuador. She married her wonderful husband Eric in 1990. They have two adult children: Ashley and Matthew. In 2016 Cynthia completed a 13 year long journey of homeschooling. Eric and Cynthia have been involved in marriage and parenting ministry over 20 years. Cynthia is a Contact Mom, helping moms with solutions in their daily parenting struggles. She has also authored a book on celebrating others called The Ultimate Gift of a Birthday.
GRIEF: a deep and poignant distress, a natural response to loss. The emotional suffering one feels when something or someone you love is taken away.
MOURNING: the act of sorrowing, a period of time during which signs of grief are shown.
We are a grieving world right now. EVERYONE has lost something that is causing varying levels of distress and suffering, and we are mourning.
My daughter is grieving the loss of the expected finish to her college career and the long-anticipated graduation ceremony. She didn’t know as she left for spring break in early March that she was saying good-bye to her classmates, professors, and campus for the last time.
One of my husband’s clients is grieving the nearing loss of her husband in hospice and the uncertainty of her financial future as her retirement savings have dwindled with the stock market.
My 7-year-old is grieving the loss of his Lego® Club meetings with friends and being able to cozy up on the couch with Grandma as he practices reading. We’re thankful he can at least do that virtually.
A friend of mine is grieving the cancellation of a much-anticipated trip to Europe with her granddaughter.
Another friend is grieving the loss of his job and the means to support his family.
These five people are experiencing varying levels of loss. They’re all grieving and working through a mourning process. We have a tendency to rank other people’s levels of grief, don’t we? But when we do that, we minimize their grief. Instead of judging or comparing someone else’s loss with our own level of loss, we need to listen and love unconditionally.
A couple of weeks into our sheltering-at-home, we went around the dinner table and had all 7 of our children (ranging in age from 7-22) tell us what they were sad about losing due to the coronavirus pandemic. They rattled off fellowship with friends, end of the school year activities, concerts, a musical theater production they’d been rehearsing all year, summer job opportunities gone, travel, a weekend college visit, job interviews… the list went on and on. The weight of it felt heavy. The child who was sad about losing the ability to watch favorite sporting events on TV felt sheepish. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, that’s not that big of a deal. It’s small in comparison to the bigger losses we hear about. But it’s still a loss and a disappointment, and all of these losses, no matter how tiny, add up and take their toll on our emotions. And so we grieve, and that’s okay, and our kids need to know that’s okay. It’s not just okay, it’s necessary. The relief in each child’s face as he expressed his grief and sadness over each loss was tangible. To have their losses acknowledged, no matter how small, was freeing. They didn’t have to carry their loss alone because their family was around them, listening and showing compassion and empathy. Their siblings had a new understanding for what each was processing and carrying. They had empathy for each other and our world in a whole new way, and they realized they were not alone.
We didn’t end our dinner conversation puddled in our grief and tears. Instead, we turned to our rock, fortress and deliverer; our God, in whom we take refuge, our shield and the horn of our salvation, our stronghold. (Psalm 18:2) Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Cor. 1:3) We prayed and we talked about how our friends and neighbors were also grieving. That’s what is so unique about this pandemic. EVERYONE has lost something. EVERYONE is grieving. We talked about being understanding and compassionate and being careful not to minimize anyone’s loss and grief. We talked about ways we can help and serve others. We talked about the opportunity to point people to our Lord Jesus Christ who is the Father of compassion and the God of all our comfort. We ended our dinner with a beautiful time of prayer for each other and for our world because, thankfully, we “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” (1 Thess. 4:13)
Julie Young said “I do” 28 years ago to her husband, Rich, and soon after they began volunteering in the church nursery quarterly to see if they were ready for parenthood. Almost 6 years later, they decided they’d never truly be ready and found themselves holding their first bundle of joy. Thankfully, they had been introduced to Preparation for Parenting! They now have 7 children from 7-22 years of age and have been using the Growing Families materials to assist them in raising children who love God, love others and love themselves. When they’re not leading a Growing Families class or organizing a conference, retreat or L3 call, you can find them traveling in their beloved Wilbur (RV) or playing in warm salty water (swimming, skiing, tubing, snorkeling, scuba diving, paddle boarding, kayaking…) Oh yes, and Rich somehow finds time to run his own financial advisory practice. Julie used to work as a fully licensed drug dealer (pharmacist) but now works full time homeschooling and discipling parents.
How do you rein in verbal freedoms in your child? Consider these practical steps:
Listen
“…for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45
Listen closely to what and how your child speaks to you and others. This will give you insight into his thoughts and motivations. You must pay attention if you are to identify areas that require heart training and correction. Verbal freedoms can be very subtle and require that parents listen with full attention. This may necessitate eliminating distractions so you can listen intentionally. When I was a young mom, I would listen to the news or sermons while I did housework and other mindless tasks. As my babies became toddlers and preschoolers, I had to curb this habit so that I could always have one ear on what they were saying. In today’s world of technology we have more audio clutter than ever. We may need to silence our phones, podcasts, audiobooks, radios etc. so that we can make listening to our children a priority.
Don’t answer in kind.
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Or you will also be like him. Proverbs 26:4
As always, we can turn to the Scriptures to give us wisdom in training our children. Our children aren’t necessarily fools, but they are foolish. As such, we can certainly learn from this verse how to answer, or rather NOT answer them when they speak beyond their wisdom.
To answer “according to his folly” in this context is to answer the child in such a way as to reinforce his sin rather than correct it. How do we do this?
We argue, explain, and dialogue with them about their ideas. In the child’s mind, this elevates his idea to our level because it was worthy enough to engage him on it. This makes him “wise in his own eyes.”
We do nothing, allowing his words to stand.
We encourage or go along with his ideas, reinforcing in his mind that all his ideas are good ones. In the example mentioned in my previous blog about the rain boots vs. the play shoes, if the mom had said he could wear his play shoes without correcting his freedom to alter her instructions, she would be reinforcing his foolishness and encouraging such choices in the future.
Do give a biblical reproof.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves, that he not be wise in his own eyes. Proverbs 26:5
We should answer a child’s foolish words with biblical wisdom. We need to bring him back under the parent’s authority when he uses verbal freedoms to over-step the boundaries. We accomplish this by:
Verbal admonishment. Correct the child’s words and thinking by telling him why what he said was wrong: that it was unkind, disrespectful, dishonest, or foolish. Use the biblical label as much as possible.
Require a proper verbal response and have him practice it. Many times this will just be having your child say, “Yes, Mommy.” I would sometimes tack on an additional phrase to aid in compliance such as, “Yes, Mommy, I will…”
Require your children to ask permission. So often we allow them to tell us what they want to do and then we agree. To a child, this communicates that he has the authority to decide for himself. Having them ask permission helps them to understand that they are under your authority.
Give a consequence. We are often quick to give consequences for wrong actions, but for words and attitudes we have a tendency to just answer with words of our own. If we really want our child to change how he speaks, we must give adequate consequences for verbal infractions.
Corrective measures:
Once you have identified verbal freedoms that characterize your child, you can begin to work on them.
Phrases
Take away the freedom to say certain phrases like, “Yeah, I know.” Because it was mostly out of habit that my little friend would say this, Mom would send him to his thinking spot and he would have to come up with something else to say (for example, “Oh, that’s interesting!”) She would often say to him, “No, you really didn’t know, so what’s something you can say instead?” This helped him to stop over-using this phrase.
Boots vs. Play Shoes
The first time this gets corrected, you must take the time to teach into it. Ask the child, “What did Mommy say?” “To put on my rain boots.” “What is the proper response?” “Yes, Mommy.” “You may not change what Mommy says. That’s like telling Mommy ‘No’. That is disrespectful and disobedient. I need to hear, “Yes, Mommy, I will wear my boots outside.” The child should repeat this back to you.
When it happens again after the child understands what is expected, you can give consequences. In this case, I might deny the freedom to go outside to play at all.
Repetitive questions
We would not answer repeated questions we had already answered. I would either have them repeat the original response or just say, “I already answered that.” If a child persisted, I would give a consequence because by continuing to ask they were not accepting my decision.
Telling and not asking permission
Initially, call this to your child’s attention by asking him, “Are you asking me or telling me that?” Then allow him to re-word his statement as a request and give your answer.
If the behavior persists, just say “No” because he did not ask permission for it.
As my friend began to bring her son’s verbal freedoms back under control, she began to see his tantrums lessen and his need for correction also decreased.
Keeping our children inside the funnel is important. As parents we must pay close attention to words as well as actions if we truly wish to reach our children’s hearts.
Beth Ann Plumberg and her recently retired husband, Chuck, have 4 wonderful sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love and 5 adorable grandchildren. They have been married for 37 years and have taught parenting classes since 1993.
