15 Jun 2020

Sibling Conflict

by | posted in: Family | 0

Genesis reads like a how-to manual on what NOT to do to your brother or sister. Perhaps God, in His infinite wisdom, front-loaded the Bible with accounts of poor sibling relationships so we could learn how to avoid those same mistakes in our own families.

When life outside the Garden was new, one of the greatest incidences of sibling rivalry occurred. One brother killed the other. As children, they shared the same home, the same food, the same toys, and perhaps even the same bed. A lifetime of shared experiences that should have forged strong sibling bonds was quickly eroded by…what? Disobedience, jealousy, and pride. Romans 1:21 tells us that since the beginning, although men knew God, “…they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.”

If the account of Cain and Abel doesn’t cause you to sit up and take notice, then keep reading in Genesis. A few generations later, Abram grew impatient with God. His wife’s handmaid bore Ishmael, who was the half-brother of Isaac. Envy and jealousy came between these two siblings because of the squabble between their respective mothers. Ishmael and his mother were exiled from their community.

Does it surprise you to later find Isaac smack-dab in the middle of a conflict between his two sons, Esau and Jacob? In this case, the parents allowed their children’s talents and successes to take center stage in the family and each parent chose a favorite son. This led to a subtle form of idolatry in which they lived out Romans 1:25, “They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator…”

In case you think poor sibling relationships only happen with boys, look at these sisters: Rachael the beautiful and Leah the plain, both married to Jacob.  Their desire to be the favorite wife and to provide children for Jacob led to years of grief and struggle, envy and pain.

Siblings, like all of us, need a Redeemer, a Savior who brings redemption and the promise of freedom from our sinful natures. On our own, we all default to envy, strife, pride, and the other sins listed in Romans 1:28-32. Redemption of your child’s heart and conscientious training on your part will eventually move you away from conflict and towards greater peace.

My sister and I fought frequently until my dad built a wall dividing our room in half. Did physical separation help mend relationships? No, our hearts were not seeking a Redeemer to empower us to work it out. One year when I was a young believer, I decided to serve my sister no matter what her response was – to love her in the little things whether she noticed or not. It took years, and she may not even be aware of what changed in our relationship, but love came in and eventually we became friends.

Being creative with the miniature sinners in your life can help provide you, the parent, an opportunity to shed wisdom and grace on an ugly situation. When the task of picking up rubble from a recent construction job was not going well between my sons, I grabbed my kitchen timer and joined them. For 5 minutes, two of us held the large plastic bag while one person shoveled debris into the bag and shared something with us: a story, a verse, or whatever he wanted. As we listened to each other’s hearts, peace arrived.

One year we purchased a huge 3-room tent. Before heading out into the wilderness, we had tent building drills. Each of us had a specific role and understood that the execution of the next task was dependent upon the previous task. Patience was required as each person waited his turn to fulfill his important role. Working together toward a goal that none of us could accomplish on our own was team building. These drills provided opportunities for great conversations about the importance of encouragement, diligence, and each team member’s contributions.

From Cain and Abel to Joseph’s brothers and on to centuries later in your home and mine, sibling conflict is an area that calls for a heart of humility, one willing to be touched by our Redeemer’s love. It requires wisdom to be able to speak truth and to shine light and grace into situations as they arise.

Patricia Lentz has been married to Tim for 39 years. They have 5 children and 6 grandchildren. Patricia and her husband have been using and teaching GFI material for over 25 years. She spends her days counseling young moms, writing, and traveling to spend time with her grandchildren.
7 Jun 2020

Is ‘Cry-It-Out’ a Necessity When Sleep Training?

by | posted in: Babies, Infant Sleep | 0

There seems to be some confusion regarding the cry-it-out method of getting your baby to sleep. Is it part of sleep training?  Are there other ways to teach your little one to self-soothe?  I have found that cry-it-out, sleep training, and self-soothing carry very different interpretations based on who you talk to. As a Contact Mom who is fully versed with Babywise/Preparation for Parenting, I will present how Babywise and Growing Families International define these terms.

* Sleep training means laying your baby down while drowsy, yet still awake, for a nap and providing him with the opportunity to fall asleep on his own. Actual sleep training begins when Baby is about four weeks old. By this age, babies are beginning to consistently have a measurable wake time.  Will there possibly be some crying in the process of falling asleep?  Yes, it is possible, probable, and completely normal. At this age, babies have very limited ways of exercising in order to burn off some energy.  Expending some of that energy with a little crying allows Baby to be able to fall asleep and enjoy good, restorative sleep. In an attempt to avoid hearing any crying from our babies, we are not only putting a lot of unrealistic pressure on ourselves, we are also denying our baby a chance to learn this skill. Yes, a child learning to fall asleep on his own and self-soothing are skills. Now, to be perfectly clear, this does not mean babies will master this at four weeks old; it means you begin to proactively work on it at four weeks. While it is certainly OK to hold or rock your baby for some naps, you need to ask yourself, is my baby depending on this and needing this to happen in order to sleep?  If so, is that what your long range goal is?  Remember you want to ‘begin as you mean to go’.

* Self-soothing is the process of a baby learning to fall asleep on his own, without excessive crying, the use of a pacifier, or the parent holding or rocking him until he falls asleep. I encourage moms who ask for help in this area to limit the time of crying to 5-10 minutes in the early weeks. I’m sure you have heard, as I have, that babies can’t self-soothe until 3 or 4 months old. In my own experience, as well as other moms I know who are intentionally working on sleep training starting around the 4-week mark, we have found that by 3 or 4 months old, our babies have mastered this skill. However, by waiting to start sleep training until 4 months of age or older, you will then need to undo poor sleep habits that have already been established. Again, remember the principle of “begin as you mean to go”.  On a personal note, all four of my babies were able to self-soothe considerably earlier than 4 months old and they were happy, alert babies who could sleep anywhere.

* For the record, cry-it-out is not a Babywise or Growing Families phrase. We do recognize and address in the teaching material normal and abnormal cry periods, and crying when going down for a nap is a normal cry period. Therefore, allowing Baby to cry for a small period of time (5-10 minutes) when being put down for a nap may be necessary to give him the chance to fall asleep on his own. As a mom, you are monitoring this time and intervening when and if needed.

The following is a sample of the sleep training method I have used. You will notice that the cry times listed are up to 25 minutes, which would be appropriate for someone who is starting late with sleep training (baby is 4 months old or older).  In the earlier weeks, as stated previously, 10 minutes of crying is long enough.

  • When it is time for a nap, lay Baby down, even if Baby doesn’t seem tired.
  • Remember, some crying is normal. If after waiting 5-10 minutes, Baby is still actually crying, not just fussing a little, then go in; settle Baby by patting him on the back and speaking softly. If you have to pick him up, avoid rocking or holding him until he falls asleep. Gently place Baby back in his crib for 15 more minutes.
  • If baby is still crying continuously after 15 minutes, go in and repeat the process, trying again for another 20 minutes.
  • If Baby is still crying continuously, repeat the above: settle and down again for 20-25 minutes.

If he begins to show signs of settling himself after any of those time increments, try giving him a bit longer to settle on his own.

  • Follow this pattern until he falls asleep or you get to the two hour mark since Baby last ate. If that’s the case, feed Baby and then place him back in his crib with no wake time. Then let Baby sleep until the next feed time.
  • Feed baby, have a wake time, and then put him down for a nap and start the training all over again.
  • After a few days of training, you will find that your baby is beginning to settle on his own and the crying becomes less and less. It’s important to remember that some crying is normal and needed for baby to release some energy in order to settle. In this context, crying is not mindless, endless crying but crying that you are monitoring, intervening when necessary and working towards a worthy goal that is going to yield a life time of benefits.

Here are some additional things to consider:

  • By monitoring your baby’s cry, you have the opportunity to learn your baby’s different cries.
  • Full feedings at every feeding are so important. If your baby is truly hungry, no amount of sleep training will fix that. Good feedings are the first step and are key to good sleep
  • Using a pacifier for every sleep period makes it more difficult for Baby to stay settled when the pacifier falls out or if it’s not there during the light-to-deep sleep transition. This causes short naps and makes it harder to settle back to sleep for the rest of the nap. Pacifiers have their place, but beware of them becoming a sleep prop.
  • If your baby has reflux or was premature, you need to take those things into consideration when determining how long Baby should cry and at what point Baby should begin true sleep training.

When you consistently implement these tips, sleep training can normally be achieved in a week to 10 days.  That doesn’t mean Baby will not cry when put down to sleep, but you will know with confidence Baby can go to sleep on his own and transition to the deepest REM sleep resulting in a nice solid rest.  A well-rested baby is a happy baby who trusts that Mom will come to meet his needs at the appointed time. Who doesn’t want that?

Mandy Block is a Contact Mom from Michigan.  She and her husband Jon have four young children and have been married for 11 years.  They are ‘living their dream’ operating a small farm raising several different kinds of animals; farm life allows many real life lessons for their homeschooled children.  Both Jon and Mandy’s parents took and taught Growing Families classes which inspired them to put the same principles into practice when they had their own children.  The Blocks enjoy coming along side to mentor and encourage parents from all over the globe with the ‘Life’ principles which they have embraced.
3 Jun 2020

My Child Bites – What should I do?

by | posted in: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Training | 0

It’s the last thing a parent wants to hear:  your child has bitten another child. Or maybe it’s an issue Mom is experiencing at home with her son or daughter:  she’s frustrated with her child biting her or a sibling. Either way, we know it’s unacceptable. But as parents, we often seem to be at a loss as to what is the best way to deal with this painful problem. We seem to either react too strongly or take it too lightly by not really dealing with it at all.

For starters, it is helpful to gain understanding by examining some basic facts about biting. To begin with, a child biting another person is as much a developmental issue as it is a behavioral issue. This means that, eventually, a child will outgrow biting. However, if the underlying cause of a child using this form of expression is not recognized and dealt with, that same child might then resort to hitting others.  Other children who bit when they were younger may actually withdraw from social interactions altogether.

Some of the underlying causes that may result in a child biting include:

  • a noisy environment
  • inadequate sleep
  • an insufficient amount of structure and routine
  • a lack of age-appropriate boundaries

Another critical factor that is frequently overlooked in today’s culture is that children often resort to biting because they have been placed in social settings that tend to overwhelm their physical and emotional senses. This can happen when a parent feels pressured to have her child in a variety of play groups or in an environment with too many children – all for the purpose of “socialization”.  Some children simply are not developmentally ready to handle the stress that comes from being placed in a large group of their peers. Also, we need to consider the home environment. An only child or a more introverted child may sense an intrusion on his private space or feel emotionally overwhelmed or threatened, and therefore biting becomes the coping mechanism of choice.

So what can parents do to curb or eliminate this behavior? One thing is for certain: sitting down and reasoning with a toddler will not work. We recommend that at the first sign of biting, review the list above and determine if one or more of those factors is a contributor. It is amazing what additional structure, routine, rest, and boundaries can do to help eliminate the problem.

Second, for a few months, it might be wise to limit outside activities that involve large groups of children such as birthday parties, public nursery settings, or story hour at the library. You certainly don’t want to eliminate all contact with other children his age, but instead should control the environment by placing him in smaller, well-supervised group settings.

While the immediate consequence for biting is lovingly yet firmly expressing displeasure with your child’s behavior and removing him from other children, the underlying problem still needs to be addressed. The long-term solution is to manage his environment, while working to provide him with some tools so that he can manage himself. If your child is verbal, teach him or her to verbalize his emotions by saying things such as, “I am almost finished playing with this toy and then I will share it.” You can still instruct the pre-verbal child how to handle stressful situations by role-playing.  Teach him to come to you for help and sign or say the simple phrase “help please”.  The child’s world must be reduced socially for a short period of time until he is old enough to gain the coping skills needed to handle the stress large groups of children tend to create in his little world. Manage his world and you will help him manage his behavior.

For a visual teaching dealing with biting, visit www.growingfamilies.life and view Toddlers and Biting (TTV9-03S) or click on this link:  https://growingfamilies.life/toddlerhood-transiton-blog/2018/5/31/ttv9-03s-toddlers-and-biting

Anne Marie Ezzo serves with her husband in ministering to families around the world through Growing Families International. For the past 30+ years her passion has been, and continues to be, to encourage wives and moms to practically understand what it means to “love your husband and children”.
25 May 2020

Strengthening Your Influence – A Middle Years Mindset

by | posted in: Middle Years, Transitions | 0

God is so smart.  He always provides what we need, when we need it.  As we approached the middle years with our children, we knew we would need more tools to add to our parenting toolbox but we didn’t know exactly how our parenting practices would need to be refined.

One example of this refining process was learning how to think through the transition from leading with our authority to leading with our influence.  We had lots of questions about the middle years and God proved Himself faithful in providing us encouragement and instruction just when we needed it.

In 2009, we attended a Growing Families International (GFI) conference. During a “lunch and learn” breakout session, the couple teaching asked if we would like to hear their family’s perspective on sleepovers and birthday parties.  We enthusiastically agreed. Their family decided that birthdays would be celebrated at home as a family without “inviting the neighborhood”.  They also decided that play dates should end before bedtime and sleeping should be done at home.  They had a number of reasons for coming to these decisions including their children’s safety when not under their supervision, the financial strain of numerous birthday parties, and the time involved.

God’s faithfulness in providing us with this couple’s perspective allowed us to decide as a couple what boundaries and guidelines we wanted to set in our family.  We were encouraged to think through all the various aspects of a topic to make sure our reasoning was sound and not just a knee-jerk reaction to a problem that suddenly appeared.  We decided we would limit outside socialization for our elementary and preschool children and focus instead on building family identity.

What I didn’t know in 2009 was that we would open our first fishing bait and tackle store at the end of 2011, and that I would have some medical issues shortly thereafter when Joshua was 9 and Jordan was only 5.  Keeping our children close to home, close to our business, and not “shipped off” here and there was so important.

“The fifteen hundred days of preadolescence are all the time you have to prepare your kids for the nearly thirty-seven hundred days of adolescence.  Let’s make the most of every minute.” – Robert Bucknam, MD, from the “PreTeen Wise” foreword.

I wanted to make the most of every minute.  John was extremely busy with his full-time job and with the new store, and whatever time he did have available needed to be spent with me and the kids.  Building our family identity happened in large part because we were always together.  If our kids weren’t at school or at a church activity, they were most likely at home.  Yes, Joshua spent time with his best friend and Jordan spent time with my parents, but these were both like-minded influences.

If the terms “building family identity” and “like-minded influences” aren’t familiar to you, I would highly recommend that you take the Middle Years class (ages 8 to 12).  If a class isn’t available right now, Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, MD have a whole series of “On Becoming” books (think “On Becoming Babywise”) and “PreTeen Wise” is the book you’re looking for.

Leading your children from your authority is critical when your children are young and you’re establishing first-time obedience.  But it can work against you when you get to the middle years.  Moving from “leading from your authority” to “leading from your influence” could be the hardest task you’ll ever face in your parenting, but it pays great dividends.  You’ve spent years “filling your child’s moral warehouse”, and now it’s time to see what’s really in there.

Think about this.  God doesn’t ask His children questions because He is hoping to discover the answers from us.  God asks us questions to pull out of us what is inside, clarifying for us what we really believe.  Just as God plants seeds of wisdom into us as we grow in maturity with Him, we as parents also plant seeds of wisdom into our children (“filling their moral warehouse”).  It is our job to ask questions of our children, pulling out of them what is inside and clarifying for them what they really believe.  If we’ve done our job well (with the Lord’s help, of course, as none of us are perfect parents), those seeds of wisdom grow over time and our children will be able to verbalize what they’ve internalized, further solidifying their beliefs for themselves.

We don’t want our children to act a certain way because “Mom said so”.  We want their behavior to reflect what they truly believe inside.  And the only way to do that is to pull that back out of them time and time again, just as God does with us.

Now that our kids are 13 and 17, they fully participate in family discussions and we consider their input carefully.  We have made conscious decisions together to allow a sleepover or a birthday party here and there, allowing our kids to give their reasons, cite potential issues, and explain what they will and won’t participate in.  It has put the responsibility for their behavior in their court, not because “my parents said I can’t”, but because they’ve thought through the consequences of their actions ahead of time.  Owning their own behavior has made all the difference.

If you want to have a middle years mindset, you need to start early by taking an age-appropriate parenting class and seeking advice from those who’ve gone before you.  Focus on thinking through the moral reasons why a family decision is made.  This will help strengthen your influence over your children so that they will want to follow your lead.

Beth Bacarella and her husband, John, have 2 children, Joshua (17) and Jordan Rose (13) and own Sportsmen’s Direct bait and tackle on Lake St Clair in southeast Michigan. They have been married since 1994 and started teaching parenting classes in 2004.
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