It’s July. Already I’m feeling exhausted trying to come up with ways to keep my son entertained.
I’ll admit, I’ve played enough Monopoly and Legos for a lifetime and it can seem wearying in the moment. Maybe you are there now…we are a month into summer and the days are long. There are only so many new or fun things you can plan or think to do and in the in-between times, your kids are begging you to play their favorite games a zillion times over.
Through the years of teaching Growing Kids God’s Way, my husband and I often joked that it should be called Growing Parents God’s Way, but if we changed it no one would sign up to take the class. The truth is, God so often uses the process of parenting to reveal to us what needs to change in our own hearts and to grow us to become more like Christ. In this case, the problem isn’t that we need to think of new things for our kids to do so they (and we) are entertained and won’t be bored. We need to return to ‘why’ we make the time to put “play with Mom” in our routines in the first place.
Philippians 2:3-7 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
We are commanded as parents to diligently teach our children God’s commands and talk of them when we sit in the house and when we walk by the way and when we lie down and when we rise up. (Deut. 6:7) Certainly playtime with our kids would qualify as one those times when we should be reinforcing God’s truth to them. We need to see past the activity at hand and see our children. When we enter into play with them and allow them to choose the activity, it is an opportunity for us to be like Christ to them. We can humble ourselves, consider their interests ahead of our own, empty ourselves, and become like our children in those moments, enjoying what they enjoy… even if it’s not our favorite game. Sacrificing for others is never a waste. There are plenty of times we require things of our children that they do not enjoy. And I am not suggesting that you drop everything just because your child asks you to play with them, but we should set aside time to enter into our child’s world of play. Playtime is a great time to focus on observing your child’s strengths and weaknesses, understanding his unique personality and finding out what makes him tick. We can use this time to teach skills and lessons, like learning to take turns and to be patient and to share. Many times I am able to reinforce what we learned in our devotional that morning. Sometimes I simply enjoy a little time to be together. Our little Monopoly player grew up to be a business major and now is a general manager of a local restaurant. He is applying godly principles in his management of people and business. I like to think much of the fruit we now see grew from little seeds planted during long hours of playing Monopoly and other games.
To a mom like me who is a “doer”, child’s play seems simple, unimportant, idle, and a little bit lazy. I need to remember that I am not playing with my child for my own edification, but to build into him. It is kingdom work. It is a way I can show him his worth as a person. He is loved and accepted. In the same way Christ emptied himself and became what I am, I can empty myself and become a child for a few moments a day to give my son what he needs, to show the love of Christ, and teach him to walk in His ways. Take time to play with your children- not just keep them entertained. It may not be the most urgent thing on your to-do list, but it may be one of the most important.
Beth Ann Plumberg is a Contact Mom for Christian Family Heritage. She is wife to Chuck, mom to four grown boys and 3 daughters-in-love and grandma to 3 precious babies. Chuck and Beth Ann are active in their local church discipling young parents and leading classes.
With Father’s Day celebrations recently, I reflected on praying for my husband through the seasons of our life together. Many blogs, posts, memes, and media stories have shown up over the last week: thought-provoking ones, some that were inspiring, funny ones, and some that brought sadness too. Friends have posted photos and appreciation of both their own fathers and their husbands, as the father of their children.
Thinking back over the 28 years since I met my husband, my prayers for him have changed a lot from the simple heart-felt prayers of a young girl in love, as I have prayed through good times and hard times. I am not one of those amazing, godly, prayer warriors. I know and strongly believe that prayer is powerful and a vital part of my growth as a Christian, but I also know that my flesh is weak and I can be lazy. My mind is prone to wander, especially as a busy mom juggling all the different aspects of family life. Daily focused prayer time is not something that comes naturally to me, but I have received some godly advice, developed some good habits, and learned Scripture verses that have been helpful to me over the years and I’d like to share these with you.
God’s Word is full of prayers that I have prayed over my husband. Psalm 112 is one in particular that comes to mind. This Psalm describes the life of a godly man, starting with, “Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in his commands.” This is an important prayer to start with. Sometimes we are tempted to go straight to, “Please, Lord, fix this in my husband and do it quickly!” Let us not forget to pray that his faith and relationship would continue to grow deeper and stronger each day. This is the best foundation for the leader of your home. Many of the verses and phrases in Psalm 112 bring to mind specific seasons in our lives. For instance, verse 4 says, “even in darkness, light dawns for the upright,” so I prayed my husband would be strong in integrity through a tough work situation, and that “he will have no fear of bad news; his heart will be steadfast, trusting in the Lord” (vs. 7). God answered those prayers in a mighty way after we survived a “Job season” (as in the book of Job!).
Praying with my husband encourages me to pray for We’ve made a habit of starting the day in prayer together. 15 Minutes with God for Couples, the devotional by Jim and Emilie Barnes, suggests that in addition to focusing prayer each day of the week on a different child, that we also take a day to focus on prayer for each other. This has been a great habit for us and spills over into my personal prayer life.
Sometimes having a structure to my prayers has worked well, especially after a lazy period. I might take a week to pray through a Psalm, the fruit of the Spirit, aspects of the Father’s Mandate, or use a book such as Power of a Praying Wife. It is tempting to be so needs-focused that I forget to bring my husband before the Lord to build him up and just be thankful for him.
And as for that “wandering mind” problem – I was encouraged once at a GEMS session to not feel badly about our active mama minds. The suggestion was to have a notebook next to you as you prayed in which you could jot down distracting thoughts that came to mind and then continue praying. Then the concern that you would forget the issue or idea will not completely derail your devotional time with the Lord.
I have seen the power of answered prayer and how it has brought such richness to our marriage. This spurs me on to keep working at it. Now with 3 young-adult sons, it leads me to reflect on praying specifically for them as fathers of my future grandchildren. My husband did not grow up in a Christian home, but both my grandmothers committed to praying for their grandchildren and their future spouses. Our family is stronger because of their prayers, and I want give that precious gift to my grandchildren too.
Linda and Jeff Gage have 4 children ages 16 to 23. They have lived in New Zealand and Missouri and are now living in the heat and dust of Riverside, California. Jeff is a Professor of Nursing. Linda is transitioning from homeschool teacher back to nursing, working with new mothers and babies. They have used GFI principles in their own family from the birth of their first child and have mentored many families over the years through teaching classes and providing Contact Mom support. They are now also using the principles to support young and at-risk parents.
After our children were grown and out of the house, Tim and I were called upon to help a brand new mom who was headed back to the hospital for emergency surgery. We savored the task at hand, helping these young parents while being able to love on an infant. While I was in the kitchen warming a bottle, Tim was also busy. I came back into the living room to discover he had folded all of their laundry. I didn’t recall him ever voluntarily folding laundry in our home during the 30 years we’ve been married. A few days later, he schlepped me to Costco, helped fetch the items on my list, went to the other end of the store when I forgot an item, came home, and helped parcel out and put everything away. This was another first. Tearfully I asked him, “Where were you 10, or even 15 years ago when the house was swarming with children, laundry was piled up, and I didn’t go to Costco until everyone was down for the night?” His simple response, “I was overwhelmed.”
As I considered his response and reflected on my heart during those years of having too much to do and too few hours in which to do them all, I thought of the resentment, the tears, and the hushed prayers of forgiveness as the Holy Spirit convicted me to look at the condition of my own heart. Would I have responded differently if I knew my husband was not being lazy but he was simply overwhelmed? Overwhelmed by the constant demands of a full house, overwhelmed by the need to be on top of his game every day at work and keep current on his job, and overwhelmed as he battled Los Angeles traffic twice a day. This caused me to pause and to ponder, what could I have done differently?
Many dads “go to” reaction when asked by their wives for a much needed break is to turn on the television for the children, put on a movie, or play a video game with them. This is seldom what we moms would consider quality father-child time. What can you do instead to help your husband engage with the kids? Here are a few suggestions:
When your husband has agreed to give you a short break, ask him if you can give him a couple of suggestions for things he can do with the kids. Make sure the activities are simple enough for him to just pick up and do. In other words, don’t suggest a bike ride if you know that most of the tires are flat. Keep a couple of ideas written on a sticky note or in your journal to refer to quickly.
The local library offers a wide selection of books to read aloud. Write down some titles you know your children would enjoy. The library often has planned activities for kids to participate in also.
The nearest park could provide a nice place for a walk or supervised play on a playground. Pack a snack for them.
Even a walk around a couple of blocks will be just the ticket for Mom to gain a little breathing space.
Get the inner tubes for those bikes so Dad can fix them in his time, then plan a bike ride for them.
Keep your eyes out for Open Houses at local fire and police departments.
Ask him to pick up a few groceries with a list you’ve provided
A trip to the mall or favorite store to pick up a gift for a grandparent might make for a fun outing as well.
List some “cool” day hikes. Again, provide snacks for the trail.
One of my friends would send her boys out camping. As long as most things were thought through and packed, Dad was usually game to accompany them. It is the tending to the tedious details that sometimes trips our husbands up.
There are other ways to help your husband engage with the kids:
Begin early including little ones in the task of watching Dad as he is involved in general maintenance around the house. A small chair, placed at safe distance while Dad changes the oil or the fixes the brakes on the car can encourage conversation between the two of them. (This means sitting and focusing skills must be a regular practice in your child’s day.)
Recruit your husband to do some pre-activity training with your children such as:
how to offer a good firm handshake
how to greet someone at the door and what to say
practicing looking someone in the eyes when greeting them
teaching them to observe and ask questions without clamoring to talk themselves
how to properly thank someone who has just given you a gift
with your older children, how to handle a job interview
Ask him to lead the family in devotions. Devotions, especially from Dad, are important. Our kids tend to value the things that Dad values. You can help by picking a book to begin with that is simple and short like Leading Little Ones to God. Keep it close by so it is handy when the family is gathered. This devotional is designed for preschool and early elementary ages. It has a short story, Scripture, simple follow-up questions, and a very brief prayer.
Why is this dialogue even important? It takes both a mom and a dad to raise a child. From my observations, it appears that engaging with children in a creative fashion is sometimes easier for moms than for dads. I am not saying moms have an exclusive corner on this market but if engaging hasn’t been modeled, it is difficult to generate for either parent. (I personally default to accomplishing tasks rather than being creative and fun, something I’ve been working on). That’s where we come in, Ladies: we can temper our own expectations and lessen the pressure on our husbands.
Dads, God is your Father and He will look after you as you navigate interacting with your children who spend most of their time out in the world or with their mother. Please understand, she is often as burdened as you.
Our goal is to raise biblically responsible, morally responsive children. As parents, we have a mandate to speak truth into our children’s lives and cultivate a love for God in their hearts. “A wise teacher makes learning a joy” Prov. 15:2 tells us. Children first get a taste of God’s love from you, their parents, as you engage and spend time with them. The fruit of this time commitment is not seen immediately but as truth is given “line upon line” and love is shown over the long haul, our children will begin to long for and invest in the things that are important to us, eventually moving from the realm of being our disciples to being God’s disciples.
Patricia Lentz has been married to Tim for 38 years. They have 5 children and 5 grandchildren. Patricia and her husband have been using and teaching GFI material for over 25 years. She spends her days counseling young moms, writing, and traveling to spend time with her grandchildren.
About half way though my fifth pregnancy, my obstetrician began sharing some concerns about our unborn son. His arms and legs measured a little short, his movements were not as vigorous as desired, and there were concerns about the formation of his heart. How relieved we were when we held Samuel in our arms just after birth. He was a beautiful baby with a little round face and a shock of straight black hair. When Samuel went to the newborn nursery, my husband Richard returned home to check on our other four children and bring them back to meet their new brother.
While he was away, a team of doctors filed into my hospital room. They had just come from Samuel’s first pediatric check-up. The straight-talking spokesman listed a string of abnormalities and then asked if I had any questions. After listening a little impatiently to my shocked babble, they all filed out again. I don’t know when I have felt so scared or alone.
But in the hours, weeks, months, and years that followed, Jesus entered. He guided Richard and me through physical therapy, a hospital stay and long recovery with RSV, speech therapy, learning delays, behavioral issues, social oddities, compulsions (lots of these), kidney failure/dialysis/transplant, and most recently depression.
Today Samuel is twenty-one years old and in relatively good health. Richard and I have graduated him from homeschool and he has a part-time job. We are proud of him—all the more so because the journey for us all has required sacrifice and perseverance. He still struggles, but he has come such a long way.
With the surety of hindsight, I now look back in wonder at the Lord’s faithfulness to me. But my heart goes out to parents who are now in the training years of a child with special needs. So, I have collaborated with my dear friend Sarah to send this brief encouragement. Sarah is mother to 13-year-old Noah, who has Down syndrome. (She has four fabulous children in all—her oldest son is married to my middle daughter!) Together we have compiled some essential items for every parent who is nurturing a special needs child, which brings me beautifully to the first point:
Empathetic Friendship—When I am frustrated with parenting Samuel, I always know that I can call Sarah and she will understand without judging my son or me. Her friendship is not just a pleasantry—it’s a necessity. Having at least one other person to pray, plan, or even vent to is a lifeline for parents of children with special needs. We need a wise friend who understands from experience, whose long-term love braces us, whose perspective brings practical help, and who speaks truth so gently it feels like an embrace. I am praying as I write this that if you do not currently have this kind of deep friendship, the Lord will highlight those who can bless you while you bless them. It’s so important.
Fierce Love—Sarah feels that it takes a fiercer love to nurture a child with special needs, and I agree. That’s because these children need more guidance and more protection—for much longer. It’s frustrating when the basics must be patiently taught day after day and then retaught. New character and skills take longer to find expression in the life a child with processing delays and compulsions, but be encouraged because growth is Sarah and I live in different states so I don’t see her family as often as I would like. But when we can be together, I’m always struck by how much Noah has learned about obedience, honoring others, academics, and much more. When I comment on his maturity, she’s often surprised. The day-to-day growth is not obvious to her—but it’s definitely there! Perseverance is the operative word here. Parenting for the l-o-n-g term takes courage and strength. My prayer for you is that the Lord will surprise you with a glimpse of the progress He sees and that you will hear His dear “well done!”
Saving Grace—It is true: raising a child with special needs is the harder path of family life. Sarah and I have been disillusioned by testimonials that make raising a child with special needs sound exclusively delightful. We love our sweet, sensitive, and talented special needs children no more or less than the other children in our homes, but we admit that there are days that are more characterized by frustration than edification. When we are twisted by the pressure, the Lord reminds us that He is intimately acquainted with the details of our present cross, and He can be trusted to reveal the next steps that will surely move us to a more bearable situation. I pray that you may see Jesus as your Way, Truth, and Life. He is truly our Savior in every sense of the name.
Transcendent Peace—Personal pain is a common denominator in raising a child with special needs. There are seasons of sickness and surgeries that are heartbreaking. Sarah and I have been deeply wounded when others ostracized our children for their physical appearances or the behaviors associated with their syndromes. We have wept when our children with special needs are skipped over for birthday parties and play dates. When our boys notice and are wounded by these responses, it triples our own pain. Sarah shared this morning that she is meditating on every word and nuance of Phil. 4:6, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I pray that as you intentionally exchange anxiety and pain for thanksgiving, you will find yourself reveling in the transcending peace and protection of God.
Beautiful Character—Parents of children with special needs have daily opportunities for cultivating character in the lives of their children, but the surprise is the character our children cultivates in us. Sarah says that as God changes her into the likeness of his Son, she sometimes wants to stomp her feet or dig in her heels. But I will tell you that when she walks into the room, strength and dignity enter with her. I know none so wise, patient, or kind. And deep down, I know that I am more empathetic and faith-filled than I could ever have been without Samuel’s influence. My God-name for him is “My Blessing.” I know that mature character traits come at a price, but as I look back, I find that I wouldn’t change anything about my life or take anything for what I have learned. I pray that as you take time to reflect on your personal growth, you will see how lovely are the hard-won graces within.
If you are raising a child with special needs, Sarah and I salute you. Please know that you are not alone. You are making progress in your child’s character. Remember that the harder path is also the path which produces perseverance. Never forget that the Lord empathizes with those things that break your heart and will provide wisdom for your next steps. Be assured that the character you are gaining looks beautiful on you and you are glorifying God. And in all seasons remember that there is special grace for you and your child with special needs.
I want to close with an excerpt from Samuel’s Mother’s Day letter to me. I know that some who are reading this post have a child who has never expressed a heartfelt thank you; perhaps your child cannot speak at all. If so, let Samuel’s words touch your heart deeply because they are as true for you as they are for me. (I have corrected some spelling and grammar to make the thoughts plain and share this with his permission.)
Mom,
Thank you for all the fun years we have had, for taking trips together, having personal one-on-one dates with me, and for personally giving me one of your kidneys. There are so many things/qualities that I love about you. [Best of all] I love how you are faithful to follow the Lord. . .
I truly want to say thank you for all the stuff you have done in my life. From day one, staying with me in the hospital while I was a little boy (RSV hospital stay), through 100’s of days of just praying for me and for my life. I truly love how you’re my mom, and I thank you for how you still believe I can make it. I love you, Mom.
Susan Ekhoff and her husband Richard are parents to seven adult children and have one grandchild. The Ekhoffs are a key couple for Growing Families International and make their home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Susan is an experienced homeschool mom and teaches elementary and junior high writing. She is the author of the book Prayer That Must and the soon-to-be released Prayer That Must, The Power of Conversational Prayer. She also co-authored the book The Lamp, Be Aglow and Burning with the Spirit by Sandra Strange. Susan is a passionate intercessor and is called to pray for revival in her generation and mentor others in a lifestyle of prayer.
