Blog Full

Brothers fight!  Unfortunately this is reality – especially in the middle years.

I am a mother of four boys ranging in age from 18 – 11.  Yes, raising middle school age boys (10-13years) can be a challenge. The middle years transition is often a turbulent time.  They are transitioning from childhood into more of an adult world, trying to figure out where they fit and who they are.  As they seek to control more of their lives, this often translates into controlling their sibling.

During this time boys need physical outlet.  Their bodies are changing and they need some outlet for energy so that it is not spent inappropriately.  During the winter months this is even harder as they are cooped up most of the time.  This is a good time for them to try out a sport if they have not already done so, as an avenue to get some needed exercise and activity.

Often at this age verbal freedoms can become an issue.  You may be amazed at times of the disrespectful and unkind words that might come out of their mouths.  Be careful of the verbal freedoms you allow them to take.  If they are not speaking kindly to one another, then they need to experience some consequence for doing so.  It is important that they have clear boundaries of what is acceptable speech and what is not.  Consequences for this would be sitting on their beds without the freedom to do anything until they are ready to apologize.  When they are ready to apologize they should do so, and then still have a consequence of sitting for a time (you determine…..but it needs to be painful.  Anything less than 30 -45 minutes isn’t painful enough for this age.)  The point being, if they can’t speak kindly, or are fighting with one another, they lose the freedom to be together, do anything and loose the freedom to speak….they just sit, silently.  Isolation is a very effective tool for this age….it takes time, and consistency, but it does get to their heart.  If they cannot sit in their rooms and be trusted, then you need some other location in the house for this to take place where you can keep an eye on them.  Dad needs to be very involved in this whole process as well as often times boys will respond better when Dad is fully involved in the consequences.

Another thing we have often done is take away our boys freedom to play with anyone else (friends) if they could not get along with one another.  We would take away the freedom for a week or more at a time until they could show us they could get along over a period of days to a week, then we would give them the freedom back.  It is a freedom they have to earn!

It is important that you continue to work at maintaining an atmosphere of communication and love through these years.  A trusting relationship where they know you are still in charge is vital.  Your boys need to know you love them unconditionally, but that you are serious about seeing them make some changes in their attitude and behavior.  Attitude is crucial here.  It is no longer the actions of a child you are dealing with, there is a lot of attitude.  So, when the attitudes are not right, have them sit and get self-control before they end up doing or saying something to you or to each other that they will regret.  Try to stay a step ahead of them and not let the attitude get out of control.

Teach them that they are best friends.  Their friends will come and go, but their brother is permanent.  They need to respect each other and treat each other as best friends.

Parenting is a journey.  These problems will not be fixed over-night.  Develop a plan with your spouse and work hard to stay consistent.  Keep your marriage relationship strong and love your boys through these years!

Written by Roxie Ramseyer

 

Let the Consequence Fit the Crime Dano, the typical firstborn, who is tasked with always being first to generate the need to create a consequence for unwanted behavior, was consistently late for car-pool.  Well, technically, he was on time because Lis would nudge him with “Dano, hurry up!”, “Eat your breakfast”, “Get your shoes tied and let’s go!”, “Don’t forget your backpack”, “Is your homework in your backpack?”, “Did you get your lunch?”, and all sorts of urgent “Get a move on”’s. Poor little buddy was in the second grade when Lis devised a solution to Dano’s absent minded lollygagging. Morning routine wasn’t the only instance when Dano wasn’t ready when it was time to go. He was consistently ill-prepared for departure for some sport or social event or other. It’s just that he would get mentally involved in something else and have no idea of what to prepare and how long that would take. That skill, and sense of urgency for punctuality, hadn’t been taught yet. As parents we hadn’t actually cemented the skill and family identity principle – The Marr family is always on time and ready to go. What we learned in the Parenting from the Tree of Life classes was that when we are characterized as being late all the time, we send the subtle message “You know what? You’re just not that important to me” to the people that are waiting for us. As parents, we didn’t want our children’s behavior to give us the reputation that we didn’t care enough about school or sports or our friends to get our act together. And that meant hounding our kids to “Hurry up!!!” Their actions reflected on our parenting reputation. So Dano’s dawdling had to go. Plus, it didn’t send the right message to our wonderful little boy to be stressing him out the door every day. “Hurry, hurry, hurry, Ok I love you have a wonderful day.” Whew! No, we needed Dano to own his own responsibility of getting ready in the morning. We needed to establish an expectation and routine for every day – wake up, make bed immediately, get dressed immediately, eat breakfast immediately, brush teeth immediately, pack lunch in backpack, get homework, and be completely ready to go before playing or goofing off.  Ta da!! Now isn’t that easy?! Aaaah no. Because that’s no different than what we already had in place. Reviewing expectations didn’t provide motivation. The motivation came when we drew the line that was unmistakably clear the night before by actually teaching him what we meant by being on time – “If you aren’t ready for school with all your responsibilities done (and here we taught him during a time of non-conflict what those responsibilities were), then you aren’t going to school. You’ll stay in your room all day and study. You’ll call the teacher and tell her why you’re missing school. You’ll do your homework and eat your lunch in your room. Oh, and I have to go out after lunch, so I’ll need to take you to Kathy’s which will cost $10 for the hour. So you’ll have to do extra chores to pay us back. Do you understand what will happen if you’re not ready for school on time?” “Yes mommy.” Lis in fact got Dano to repeat exactly what he was to do so he would own the requirements. “Here’s the thing buddy. Marrs are on time and ready to go. You need to be on time and ready to go too.” Well, you know what happened of course. He was late the very next day. And sure enough, Lis endured the torture of enforcing her own proclamation (lest she become a threatening/repeating parent). Lis notified the car-pool folks Dano wouldn’t be going to school. Dano then called the teacher and explained what had happened and promised he would be there the next day. (Very uncomfortable for him, but the teacher heralded this action for years and years). And Dano stayed in his room all day except for the hour after lunch. So what happened the following day? And the next? And the next? Yes, Dano was ready to go and Lis no longer needed to remind him to “get going”. It took only this one time of letting the consequence fall on his shoulders to bring him to present minded action in the morning. And when Shelli came along, what happened there? Well, she made the same mistake and suffered the same consequence with, again, only one day away from school and a lifelong habit formed. And little tiny buddy Kevin? What happened there? The interesting part is that Dano and Shelli convinced him that he didn’t want to spend all day in his room. He avoided that fate and was always ready to go. The Marr family was on time. There are two big challenges in this tale: Figuring out what consequence is appropriate for your child’s “crime”. You must consider their age, temperament, and behavior. The above solution fit our family and kids, but maybe not yours. The important piece here is to keep the standard the same for each child but finesse the consequence to best fit each of your children’s unique temperaments. The second challenge is more difficult – generating the joint willpower between the parents to create the consequence and stick with it. Because if you don’t enforce fully and completely the consequence you’ve stated because “compassion” for his or her little suffering overwhelms your parenting, then you will likely be compounding the problem. It is worse, much worse, to teach your children that you don’t mean what you say. The consequence of our kids staying home for one day was uncomfortable for them, for sure, but it was torture for Lis. In the end, it worked out fantastic for our family’s well-being because the mornings were dramatically more peaceful and stress free and the kids learned a valuable lifelong skill of punctuality. To your family’s well-being, Lis and Dave Marr

 

When I was a mom with young children, I found a surprisingly simple way to

memorize whole passages of scripture as a family – with no tears. I printed a long

passage or chapter on colorful card stock, one for each child. Scripture cards were then

individualized with cute stickers and laminated.

As a homeschool family, we used them as the main event for Bible time each

school morning by simply reading the whole passage aloud together, one time through.

That’s right, once a day, five days a week. The younger children almost always

memorized the whole passage in a short few months (even those who couldn’t read)! It

took me longer, but with a little extra study, even I had mastered the text by six months

When teaching into character issues, I was amazed how often a verse from our

text applied. Eventually the truths we memorized worked their way into our thinking and

actions.

Our family passages included Romans 12: 9 – 21, Matthew 7, James 3 and 4,

Proverbs 3, and others. When I read any of these today, it’s like coming home again; I

will always love them and so will my kids.

This simple means of Scripture memory can be easily added into your day

whether or not you homeschool. Try reading it together as a family at meal times or as a

part of family devotions before sending the little ones off to bed.

 

Since we’re in Sweden this week, we thought it’d be appropriate to talk about traveling with children. Parents love their kids, but those rose-tinted glasses get a good cleaning when kids suffer the gauntlet of cramped seating, long waits, time changes, strange food, disrupted sleep schedules, and stressed parents. Strangers will give your parenting ability the evil eye if your little darlings act out in loud demanding ways that disturb the normal discomforts of travel.  Since Lis is Swedish and we’ve traveled across the pond many times, the Marr family has encountered many discomforts and observed many other families’ behaviors over the years. Airport travel is a hassle for most adults. But if you’re less than 3 feet tall, and you see only legs and butts, traveling can be rather unsettling. Here are some tips to make your kids travel buddies instead of travel bandits: Preparation is the key to happy travel. Begin a week or so in advance in getting them excited to go see mormor and morfar (Swedish Grandma and Grandpa) or whatever the destination might be. Giving them the goal makes most discomforts endurable. Get them to pick out things that will self-entertain them during the long waits. Explain the process. “First we pack everything we’ll need. Then on Saturday we’re all going to the airport. We’ll go through long lines to get to the plane. We’ll wait patiently to get on the plane. Then we’re going to feel the plane shwoosh into the air. It’ll be fun! Then we’ll be on the plane a long, long time. When we land, mormor and morfar will be waiting for us!”. Knowing what to expect helps them feel in control. Role play during a time of non-conflict well in advance of the trip. Discuss specific hassles that may arise: bad food, lost luggage, bumpy flight, delayed flight, potty time, and all kind of misadventures. This gives them tools to overcome the unexpected. Bring food. Snacks are key. Be careful of too much sugar because the crashes are murder. Fruit, nuts, crackers, string cheese, etc. When your travel buddies are babies, a new toy and their favorite old toy gives a good combo of something interesting and something comforting. Try to time bottle feeding or nursing toward landing time to help them clear the pressure in their ears. Reading their favorite book will help comfort them. Older kids can bring reading books or coloring books or game electronics. We always had playing cards for the kids. It’s important on international flights to make sure you check what TV programs they’re watching. They do have nudity and violence in some movies. Apparently 11 year olds love Wedding Crashers. Age appropriate responsibilities helps them have ownership in the event. Having them help pack their carry-on and snacks, pushing the stroller, giving the ticket to the TSA agent, and other tasks will grow in value over the years. Self Control. Fighting with siblings is a no-no. Kicking the seat in front of you, talking loudly, running up and down the aisles, and whining are all travel bandit behaviors. Preciousness of others. Now’s a good time to teach courtesy toward others by discussing it before the trip and praising them during quiet playtime. Open mindedness. Everything that comes will be a new experience. Teaching them in advance to gladly accept new experiences makes them good travel buddies. Traveling with your children is a great experience, times that fuse family bonds in a way little else can. Your children will become best friends and have memories that will impact their relationship at home in ways that are hard to describe. Our little travel buddies have grown to enjoy the thrill of adventure, making it a part of their lives as they have spread their wings. From our family to yours – Trevlig resa!! To your family’s well being, Lis and Dave Marr