8 Jun 2018

Tea for Two

by | posted in: Heart Training | 0

When our daughters turned five, we took them shopping for their own tea cup and saucer.  Our oldest daughter, being a lover of purple, chose a tea cup with beautiful purple flowers.  Our youngest daughter, smitten with roses, chose Prince Albert Old Country Roses.  Those tea cups enjoyed several gallons of tea over the years!

I have to admit, teatime was my favorite subject in homeschooling.  For record keeping purposes, we called it “Bible.”  I would meet with our girls individually and read Scripture, pray, and read through an inspirational book.  We were mentored by Edith Schaeffer, Emilie Barnes, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Karen Mains, and many other dear saints.  We even did some “official” Bible studies that had blanks to fill in.

During this time, we shared our hearts with each other.  This was one-on-one time with Mama and any topic was fair game.  It was our time to talk about dreams and plans.  We talked about character qualities Daddy had that they wanted in their husbands.  We talked about what struggles they were experiencing and how the Lord could help them through it or find the way of escape from it.

Teatime does not have to be a big production or complicated, nor does it have to take an entire afternoon.  Our typical teatime was around thirty minutes.  A teapot, two tea cups (and saucers!), and a plate of something yummy, like little cookies or a brownie, were the “ingredients” for our teatimes.  We would light a candle and put on some gentle music to create a calming atmosphere.  In our hurried day and age, time to intentionally slow down and enjoy one another is soothing to one’s soul.

Both of our daughters enjoyed teatime.  Our youngest daughter is an extrovert, and teatime gave her the opportunity to have my undivided attention.  Extroverts like to talk and know you are really listening!  Our oldest daughter is an introvert with quality time as her highest love language.  Introverts need a few deep friendships, and this time allowed us to build one.  Now she is married and lives a few hours away.  When we are going to get together, I will ask what she wants to do and she always says, “Have tea!”  And when we are not together, SkypeTea works well, too!  So, take a break from your busy lives to schedule in some teatime and you’ll find strong relationships built cup by cup.

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 31 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.

 

4 Jun 2018

Keep Calm and Parent On!

by | posted in: Crying, Moral Training, Toddlers & Preschoolers | 0

I recently sent an SOS email to a seasoned Growing Families mom, Jill Everson.  Our youngest, who is 4, was really struggling to gain self-control on her own.  We would send her to “sit on the rug and gain self-control” and she would cry and cry.  And cry.  We had also noticed some freedom issues with her.  The youngest child will often sneak out of the funnel because older siblings are doing things she would also like to do.  I kept hearing Carla Link’s words, “Nothing happens ‘all-of-the-sudden’”.  Rich and I knew that we had been lax in some areas that, over time, had led us to this point of struggle.

So I sent the email, with what seemed like two separate issues: gaining self-control on her own and having too many freedoms.  But Jill showed me how interrelated these two things are.  Here are the take-aways from her response:

  1. Be consistent. This is SO important in our parenting in every area, but when multiple kiddos come along, it sure is hard to keep track of the details when training them!  What stage is each child at?  What can I realistically expect from my 4-, 7-, and 9-year-olds?  Once that’s established, Rich and I need to be on the same page and our kids need to know the standard doesn’t change between us.  Couch time is a great time to make sure we are both moving in the same direction.
  2. Stay calm. A child who is consistently having trouble gaining self-control for long periods of time can REALLY try your patience.  Suddenly, it’s Mom and Dad who need to fold their hands and gain self-control!  Remember, parents, God has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to calm us in these difficult situations.  Pray. Wait.  Take a deep breath and let the Holy Spirit guide you.  You can’t train in self-control if you don’t have it yourself.
  3. Because our daughter is 4, we can have a conversation with her about the areas we were inconsistent in and remind her that the standard hasn’t changed.  It will be up to her to decide how long she wants to cry and wait to get self-control.
  4. Do the hard things. Now that she has been reminded what the standard is, it’s up to us, as Mom and Dad, to stick to it.  No, she will not be able to choose her own clothes until she demonstrates self-control when I choose for her.  When she does demonstrate self-control, it will be a delight to give that freedom back to her, knowing that the hard work of training has paid off.

These are great principles that Rich and I have learned and taught many times over the last few years.  It REALLY helps our parenting to be teaching the classes, but we’re all human and things can slowly slip over time, even when you are the teacher!  It’s so important to keep taking the classes or become a facilitator.  You’ll learn so much by teaching!  But the other benefit is the community you have around you to walk the journey with you and to share ideas – things that worked and what didn’t.  We’ve met, and continue to rely on, people like Jill who have walked before us and generously share what they have learned.  We’re so thankful for the GFI community and hope you’ll join us anew or persevere in what you’ve already been doing!

 

Julie Bame is wife to Rich, mom to three beautiful girls, a Contact Mom for Christian Family Heritage, and Worship Coordinator at North Clinton Church.  Rich and Julie are passionate to see the Kingdom come in all of life, but especially so in marriages and families.  They count it a great privilege to walk the journey of parenting with anyone who will join them.
30 May 2018

Your Child’s Perception is Everything!

by | posted in: Moral Training | 0

As parents we can sometimes unwittingly undermine our own authority. One of the ways we do that is by consistently parenting outside the funnel. Oh, we have boundaries and do our best to maintain them, but there are subtle ways we blur the lines and can allow our children to become wise-in-their-own-eyes and undo our own best efforts.

As a review, the funnel is a picture used to describe the age-appropriate boundaries for a child at any given age/stage of development. The narrow neck of the funnel represents the tighter boundaries necessary for young children. As children grow, mature, and gain self-control, the funnel widens because a child can accept greater responsibility and so can enjoy greater freedoms.  This makes sense because we all understand that the freedoms enjoyed by a 12-year-old are, and should be, greater than those granted to a toddler. When we say a child is “outside the funnel” we mean that he has too few limits or too much freedom in a given area for his maturity. These freedoms include physical freedoms, verbal freedoms, and freedom of choice. Next to first-time obedience, understanding the funnel is of paramount importance for getting to the heart of your child.

 

Here are some real-life examples of how we can unintentionally allow our children outside the funnel.

  • A mom has set the living room as her 2-year-old son’s boundary but within that space he has unlimited choices in activity. In the child’s mind he is master of his own world!
  • A dad, in an effort to explain the reason ‘why’, frequently dialogues with his child over instructions. The child perceives his opinions are valid and worthy of consideration.
  • A mom allows an excess of free play time and a minimal amount of structured play time. Again, the child is frequently choosing what to do even if the physical boundary is safe and defined.
  • A dad always gives at least 2 good choices to help teach decision-making skills to his sons. He then wonders why they are always negotiating when it’s time to receive instruction even though they have been trained in first-time obedience. The children have been trained that there are always options.
  • A mom, to avoid a conflict, allows a pre-schooler to think she’s choosing when mom lets her rearrange the order in which she completes the tasks in her morning routine.

 

In each of these cases it does not matter that the parent sees that they have ultimate control. What matters is they are allowing the children to perceive otherwise.

The key to keeping your child inside the funnel is to understand that your child’s perception is everything. If you have established boundaries for your son or daughter but you let your child think that he is choosing for himself, then your child is still outside the funnel because in his mind he is still the ruler of his own destiny. This is a subtle difference at times but becomes a watershed issue for getting to your child’s heart. He must understand that you are in charge and he must submit to the boundaries you have established. If he perceives that he is making the choice he will become wise-in-his-own eyes.

So what do you do if this is your child? Get back to basics!

  • Reinforce the principles of first-time obedience!
  • Be proactive in structuring your child’s time.
  • Reign in verbal freedoms. Do not allow your child to negotiate. Have him ask permission and don’t allow him to just tell you his plans.
  • Limit choices until your children are content to let you do the choosing.

 

And make sure they understand that you are in charge! Keeping them inside the funnel will achieve a new dynamic to parenting. The parent becomes the one encouraging the child toward maturity and greater responsibility instead of constantly reigning a child back in under authority.

 

Beth Ann Plumberg is a Contact Mom for CFH. She is wife to Chuck, mom to four grown sons and 3 daughters-in-love and grandma to 3 precious littles. Chuck and Beth Ann are active in their local church discipling young parents and leading classes.
23 May 2018

The Person Inside Your Child

by | posted in: Heart Training | 0

 

My mom passed away when she was 56. I was only 29.  I had two young children and had just had a kidney transplant two weeks before. At the funeral, my 6-year-old daughter looked in the casket and then looked at me and said, “That’s not Grandma. Grandma is in heaven with Jesus. That is only her costume.” Wow! What wisdom from a 6-year-old! Just five days earlier, standing by my mom’s bedside, my daughter said “You go, Grandma. You go be with Jesus. I will miss you here, but you go.”  With tears streaming down my cheeks, I learned a deep lesson as I observed my daughter’s faith. We are not what we see on the outside. Our flesh is temporary but our spirit is eternal.

 

While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.  2 Cor. 4:18 NKJV

For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.   1 Samuel 16:7b NKJV

 

It was in that moment that my 6-year-old taught me something. As a parent I need to focus on teaching my children how to grow their spirits (hearts), rather than just controlling their “costumes” (flesh). So often as parents, we fall into a pattern of do’s and don’ts. We teach our children to control their flesh but forget about their hearts that are inside of them. When we get saved, our spirits come alive because of Jesus. Doesn’t it make sense to focus our instruction and speak life to their spirits rather than teach them just to control their flesh? When we reach their hearts (spirits), the control of their flesh will follow. Teach your children that they are two people: their “costume”(flesh) and their “heart”(spirit). When they feed their hearts then they won’t want to give in to their costumes as much. Speaking life to their spirits gives them the mind of Christ and eternal confidence in who they are in Him.

 

Cynthia Schrock was born in Ohio but grew up on the mission field with her parents in Quito, Ecuador. She married her wonderful husband Eric in 1990. They have two beautiful children: Ashley is 24 and Matthew is 19. In 2016 Cynthia completed a 13 year long journey of homeschooling. Eric and Cynthia have been involved in marriage and parenting ministry for 22 years. Cynthia is a Contact Mom, helping moms with solutions in their daily parenting struggles.  She has also authored a book on celebrating others called The Ultimate Gift of a Birthday.

 

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