Blog Full

 

There are strong emotions triggered when parents learn of any form of victimization of their child. It feels like you need to plan a reconnaissance mission, send up your drone, or set an ambush… whatever it takes to protect and defend!   As parents, we want to give our children the ‘weapons’ they need to prepare for the world of bullies, proactively arming them for the battle.

Parental patrol calls for being alert and aware.  Not all children who are bullied will admit it’s happening; some will talk about it with a parent, some won’t.  Listed below are some cues your child could be on the receiving end of bullying:

• sudden avoidance of social situations
• sudden loss of friends
• unexplained injuries
• declining grades; loss of interest in schoolwork; not wanting to go to school
• lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, jewelry or other treasured possessions
• emotional changes

Whether these signals are present in your child or not, arming your child with the weapons that will carry them through various conflicts in life, including a battle with a bully, will be beneficial.

Consider mobilizing your child with Truth — right ways to think, how to respond, and even when to remain silent.  You may need to intervene on behalf of your child.  Intervention will be dependent on both the age of your child and where the bullying is taking place.  Talk to your child’s teacher or another trusted friend who has observed the bullying situation so that you can preemptively help your child handle the next encounter wisely. The older elementary child may think he or she can handle the situation or be fearful of being labeled a wimp, mamma’s boy, or tattler (more forms of bullying).  He may, therefore, not want any help or intervention.  However, adopting some of the following ideas may help you as a parent equip your child to be a “mighty warrior”.

 

The Peace Accord – Civility 

Civility is more than being courteous and polite; it’s a moral minimum of life.  It’s about disagreeing without disrespect, dialoging about differences without degrading, and listening without prejudice.  Teach and model for your child civility so when a bully strikes, your child has the weapon of principled living.  The Bible calls us to be examples of doing good (Titus 2:7); to overcome evil with good (Rom 12:21); and to not return evil for evil but good for evil (1 Peter 3:9 & Romans 12:17)  Psalm 34:14 says Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.  Civility is an armistice toward peace. Civility is effective to impede a bully.

 

The Stealth B-2 bomber – Say nothing at all

Do not answer a fool according to his folly … Proverbs 26:4.  The more attention, by way of response or interaction, you give a bully, the more important the bully feels and seeks further attention.  Conversely, when you do not respond, it may shut the bully down.  Furthermore, Proverbs 17:14 says to …drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.  The small effort of remaining quiet can prevent great catastrophe.  Proverbs 17:28 conveys that there are times you are considered wise if you say nothing at all – battling a bully is one of those times.

 

Prayer Bullets

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matt 5:44).  Bullies qualify.  It’s difficult to pray for a bully or anyone who is ‘against’ you or intending wrong toward you or using you, but it’s one of the best things you can do.   Praying for someone who is doing evil toward you not only impacts the bully, it changes the heart of the one petitioning on behalf of the bully.  Prayer is actually one of the deepest forms of love.  When it’s challenging to love, pray.  A bully can only have power over you if you don’t use the Power in you!  It’s very possible that the child who is “the bully” has been deeply wounded and is being ‘bullied’ at home either by an older sibling or sadly, in some cases, by the parents. Not every home speaks “life-giving words”. Consider conveying this possibility to your child, encouraging your child to pray for this potentially ‘troubled’ human being.

 

Armed for Amnesty

Use the weapons allocated to you in your battle with a bully.  As with other issues that we encounter in parenting, bullying presents an opportunity for our children to grow through hard experiences.  James 1:2-4 tells us to Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  The Word equips us for every single life issue.  2 Peter 1:3 says His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.  Tap into the power of God available through His Word to end the conflict. While it’s difficult to walk through this with your child, be thankful that you are truly not alone and it will be a faith-growing opportunity for both you and your child.   Learning to pray, pardon, forgive, and move forward with joy makes a bad situation into a beneficial experience.

 

Mortar – The Golden Rule 

“Do to others what you would have them do to you.”  It’s not just a saying or a good idea… this instruction is given by Jesus Himself in Matthew 7:12. Simple words, yet hard to do!  No matter how hard we try, we tend to be so wrapped up in our own needs and desires, we fail to even think of others, let alone tend to their needs. Why is it so hard?  The simple answer is – sin!  That’s why we need Jesus.  He came into the world to save us from sin and it’s power.  Only in Christ do we have the power to love others and treat them the way that Jesus would.  Reminding yourself and your child that while a bully may appear to have power, those who trust Jesus possess the awesome power of Christ.  God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (Ps. 46:1).  Bind your life to Christ; live by His Truth, He will be with you in any battle.  Exodus 14:14 says The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.  Be still before Him and trust His Word to find help through any attack.

 

Whether your child is the ‘bully’ or is the one in the line of a bully’s fire, these times are opportunities for discussion and guidance between the child and parent.   Parents have a chance to mentor their child through a trial, equipping them with spiritual munitions to be used for a lifetime.

 

 

If you have had experience supporting your child through bully-related issues, or perhaps you’ve reformed a budding bully in your home, please comment or contact us.  There are many contributing factors to the bully issue … share your story, we would love to hear from you.

 

Karen Kurtz is a mom of 4 Babywise/Prep for Parenting babies.  All of them slept through the night as prescribed in the Ezzo’s parenting books.  As a Contact Mom, Karen enjoys helping other parents train their babies and children.  Karen and her husband Don, make their home in NE Ohio and all four babies are now young adults.

 

To read Part 1 of this series, Bullying ~ Unmasking a Bully:  https://christianfamilyheritage.org/bully-power-unmasking-a-bully/ ‎

To read Part 2 of this series, Bullying ~ Bully Prevention:  https://christianfamilyheritage.org/bully-power-bully-prevention/

 

Prevention

The best way to stop a bully is not allowing one to develop; parents have the greatest opportunity to prevent a bully from emerging.  Rather than making the assumption a child knows better than to bully another child, wise parents are proactive in teaching their child social relational skills, acceptable behavior, and ‘otherness’ concepts throughout their child’s growing up years.

Bullying behavior can rear its ugly head at any age or stage in the life of a child.  Provided below are some ideas to prevent bullying – listed according to developmental ages.

 

Toddlers Take Charge

Toddlers will be toddlers – see a toy, take a toy – paying little-to-no attention that another child had it first. While toddlers will behave according to their age, they are also extremely trainable. As a parent, do not underestimate all that your toddler can learn to do.  Before bully tendencies set in, parents can consciously direct their toddler in right actions and away from wrong actions.

When there is an altercation with another child, the toddler’s parents should intervene, addressing their child’s inappropriate action towards the other person as unkind and unacceptable behavior.   Yes, little ones can learn how to treat others kindly.  To proactively counter a toddler from those bullying impulses, parents can practice the following at home.

 

• Play games – Teach a toddler in a fun environment (a period of non-conflict) how to share, take turns, wait patiently, and win and lose graciously. Show him or her the joy of success, how to cope with disappointment, and how to be a good sport.  These occasions allow for social skills like cooperation to be understood practically.  In addition, the child learns about following rules, integrity, and honesty.

 

• Praise and affirmation go a long way at this age (or any age). When you ‘catch’ your child being loving, kind, and compassionate to another person, affirm his or her actions through verbal words of encouragement and praise. Include smiles, hugs, and kisses. With your words of praise, include the specific virtue or action you saw displayed. Look for moments to speak life, love, and affirmation often.

 

• Pre-activity reminders. When your toddler will be in a setting with other children, before entering the scene provide an encouraging reminder to be loving and kind to the other children.  Share that loving, kind behavior towards others pleases God, is the right thing to do, and it makes Mommy/Daddy’s heart happy.   Toddlers really do want to please.

 

• Prefer others by example. Display for your child what it looks like to be kind, caring, compassionate, etc.  Be aware and alert of your example in the home, at the door, while driving, and at the store. Little eyes are watching – a positive and consistent parental example speaks volumes.  At all ages, more is caught than taught.  Be aware of your ‘modeling career’.

 

Elementary Bully Block

Being a student of your child is a must for parents.  Although a bully can be sneaky – subtly, covertly operating – some parents fail to recognize the tendency of their child to bully others.  While it may be good to view their child’s influence over other children as a strength (strong leadership skill, etc.), it is also important for parents to honestly study and assess their child in social situations to recognize strengths and possible weaknesses.

 

Warning signs that your child could be a bully:

• Notoriously responds physically or verbally
• Blames others
• Does not accept responsibility
• Strongly competitive; ‘sore loser’; must always win
• Aggressive tendencies
• Frequently involved in fights but has an innocent demeanor
• Is drawn to a ruffian crowd or peers

 

Consequences

As parents we praise and encourage right behavior while warning and halting wrong, foolish behavior.  A change of direction will happen with elementary children when consistent consequences are applied to discipline issues — including bullying offenses.  Discuss with your spouse appropriate consequences so you both parent with a unified front for the good of the child.   If you desire further assistance, request help from a certified Contact Mom through Christian Family Heritage (CFH) at www.ChristianFamilyHeritage.org.

 

Communication

Even a bully will change his demeanor when sincere life-giving words are spoken to him and his home environment is routinely filled with life and love.

Additionally, be sure to praise your child when he or she demonstrates courage to stand up to a bully – calling wrong what it is.   Praise, as well, when you observe your child standing alone against a bully who has drawn a subject into his web.   A bully can only bother someone who can be bothered.  Halt or block a bully by teaching your child not to engage him or her.

 

Caution

Be cautious and observant that your child does not bolster the bully naively.  When kids respond in a favorable way to the bully’s abuse – by finding humor in hurtful deeds, or joining in with the bully’s teasing, or even just watching, giving the bully an audience —the bully’s behavior is fueled.

Pay attention to your child’s actions and interactions with people – both with kids similar in age and other people in general, including adults.  These observations will inform parents where they need to focus their character training energies.  Additionally, don’t excuse, ignore, or deny any report from teachers, coaches, or others who have the fortitude to report to you disturbing relational behavior they’ve observed from your child while your child was in their charge.  Take it seriously and deal with it with consistent consequences as you would any other discipline issue.

 

Tweens and Teens Bully Inhibitor

If your teen is displaying bullying behavior, intervention is imperative.  It could involve pastors, youth leaders, counselors, or potentially a counseling facility.

Make changes in your home environment …

• Fill your home with confidence.
• Routinely let the teen know they are loved and valued
• Speak life – communicate unconditional love, acceptance, and belonging
• Focus on family identity
• Examine friendships; move away from unhealthy relationships
• Get under regular Bible teaching as a family
• Memorize Scripture [Find scripture suggestions related to bullying in Part 3.]

 

There are two sides to the bullying equation — the bully and the bullied.  Part 3 will delve into how to encourage a child who is on the oppressed side of the bullying equation.

 

Karen Kurtz is a mom of 4 Babywise/Prep for Parenting babies.  All of them slept through the night as prescribed in the Ezzo’s parenting books.  As a Contact Mom, Karen enjoys helping other parents train their babies and children.  Karen and her husband Don, make their home in NE Ohio and all four babies are now young adults.

 

To view Part 1 of this series, Bullying ~ Unmasking a Bully:  https://christianfamilyheritage.org/bully-power-unmasking-a-bully/

 

How long has bullying been around?

The act of bullying has been around since the first siblings were on the earth.  Cain rose up and bullied Abel to the grave.  Joseph was bullied by his brothers to the point of being sold to a foreign nation.  King Saul made a vengeful power play in pursuit of David.  Some things never change.

 

Bullying is the act of willfully causing harm to others through physical intimidation, social relational exclusion, and/or threats for the purpose of controlling or dominating people or situations.  Bullies target the vulnerable or those they deem as weak.

 

Impending physical harm, disparaging names, lies, gossip, spreading rumors, and harassment – including targeting an individual’s faith, race, gender, or disability – all constitute bullying.

 

What are the characteristics of a bully?

 A bully can be any age or gender.  A bully’s antagonism can be blatant or cleverly concealed.  Though each gender torments in slightly different ways, the underlying motive for both genders is to control a person or situation.  Boys are generally more direct in their bullying approaches and use physical intimidation (pushing, punching, kicking, or threatening physical harm).  Girls use more subtle, indirect undermining tactics (gossip, spreading rumors, name calling, or exclusion).

 

How is a bully formed?

 A bully is born through a breach in parental training, as well as volatile influences.   Some of these deficits include:

• Absence of empathy
• Lack of ‘otherness’ sensitivity
• Peer pressure
• Low confidence/self-esteem
• Mimicking aggressive behavior
• Lack of a life-giving environment

These and other contributors incite a person to operate in a manipulative fashion.

 

Where does bullying take place?

Aggression from a bully can happen at home, school, work, church, or on the playground.  Mean and alarming comments from a bully appear in person, by phone, text message, or online – also known as cyber-bullying.  Bullies can operate brazenly or secretively.

 

What is the parents’ role?

 Parents have the important role of observing their child in common settings to assess their child’s social graces.

Discerning the difference between a thoughtless, untrained, or selfish act versus deliberate bullying, takes investigation.

The parent should consider the age of the child as well as how frequently bullying arises in the child’s interaction with others.  Having a child who is characterized by this type of behavior should prompt a parent to give more serious, concentrated attention to the matter.

 

How young can bullying appear?

 Toddlers and preschoolers are in the process of learning basic social skills and how to handle their emotions.  Because of that, it’s a little early to designate them as a ‘bully’.   Parents need to differentiate assertive play versus purposeful, repetitive acts of selfishness or the desire to torment another person.  All of these moments are training opportunities for parents to guide and instruct their child in the areas of consideration for others, cooperation, and empathy.

 

What does bullying look like in boys and girls at different ages?

 Throughout the elementary years, children begin to grasp the concept of social power among their peers.  Kids notice life’s inequities and look for ways to satisfy ‘me first’.  Competition sets in for boys at this age; girls begin to notice a social pecking order and use any means necessary to secure their place.  Bullying is stimulated by the strong desire to control, or to win in cunning fashion.  Threats of a physical nature are common in boy bullies at this age, i.e. “I’ll beat you up” — adding verbal threats of coercion.   Girls can also use physical means like slapping, tripping, pushing, hair-pulling, or stealing.  Girls tend to be more subtle and deceptive in their quest to control others as they strive for popularity or trendsetter status.  Girls often use more verbal, relational bullying devices i.e. “I won’t be your friend unless.…”

The middle school/teen years are when bullying is more deliberate and intentional.  It can have long-term ramifications.   The older the child, the more grievous bullying behavior becomes and the more difficult it is to correct.  Just like any pattern in life, the longer it goes on, the more challenging it is to rectify.  That does not mean there is no hope or that it’s too late to reform a teenage bully.  Some teens need guidance in conflict resolution well into high school and beyond.   There is no shame in getting help and counseling.

 

In Part 2 of Bully Power we’ll focus on bully prevention, giving some practical steps to take to positively direct your child toward right relationships and away from using power to inappropriately control.

Part 2 – BULLY POWER – Bully Prevention

Part 3 – BULLY POWER – Battling a Bully

 

Karen Kurtz is a mom of 4 Babywise/Prep for Parenting babies.  All of them slept through the night as prescribed in the Ezzo’s parenting books.  As a Contact Mom, Karen enjoys helping other parents train their babies and children.  Karen and her husband Don, make their home in NE Ohio and all four babies are now young adults.