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Self-control, ugh!  Who invited that party pooper?  Honestly, wouldn’t you love to say anything, do anything, just let your emotions win?  The trouble is, if we all did that there would be chaos 24/7.  This is true in your home as well.  If your child could say or do anything, just let his or her emotions rule the day, well, you would be living in total chaos. Here are four preventative suggestions and four restorative suggestions for dealing with self-control issues.

 

Four Preventative Ideas for cultivating an attractive environment for self-control.

1. Five-minute warning. No one likes to be told to stop what they are doing.  Children tend to be very focused on their activities. Demanding they immediately quit and follow a new instruction often exasperates them.  However, if you tell a child that he has five more minutes to finish whatever he is consumed with at the moment, he will often be able to finish his activity and move on while maintaining self-control.  READ:  No temper-tantrums.  Score two points for Mom!
2. Predictable schedules. I can already hear those of you who are free-spirits groaning over this one.  Sorry, I guess I am the party pooper now.  A predictable schedule allows the child to understand what his or her day is going to look like.  A predictable schedule will reduce anxiety in the more uptight child (aka not-a-free-spirit).  A predictable schedule will reduce the number of questions asked about the day as well.  I know you want to be the cool mom that goes with the flow, who finger-paints one day and goes hiking the next.  Please, do those things, just have a predictable schedule of when and where.  Self-control is much easier to maintain when you know what the day will hold.
3. Being consistent. You know when you said yes to that sugary snack yesterday?  So does your child.  She is going to ask you for the same sugary snack the next day and the next day and the next day.  If you have no problem with sugary snacks every day, well, then you have no problem.  If you do have a problem with sugary snacks every day, you need to make that clear to your child.  Do not say yes one day and no the next day without a reason why.  This is confusing to the child.  She will try to figure out what she did that made you say yes the first time.  This applies to almost anything in your child’s day, not just sugary snacks.  That means you free-spirit moms who are eating the sugary snacks with your child, well, you still have other areas where consistency needs to happen just like the rest of us.  Where there is consistency, self-control is cultivated.
4. Avoid exasperation. The dictionary defines exasperate as “irritate intensely; infuriate”.  I am confident that you do not wake up in the morning and set out to infuriate your child.  I am also confident that all of you have infuriated your child at some point in his or her life.  I know because I am a mom.  It is easy to understand why a child would not exercise self-control when Mom or Dad has exasperated him.  We do the same thing as adults, right?  That guy that pulled in front of you the other day.  The toilet that keeps overflowing no matter how many times you have fixed it.  The trashcan that no one ever seems to empty except for you.  Exasperating a child will quickly lead to an embarrassing display of what a lack of self-control looks like.  I am not saying you should avoid conflict with your child.  You are the parent and you need to behave as such.  I am saying you need to consider context of the moment, and not say or do things that will only infuriate your child.  Infuriate and frustrate are two different things.  Frustrating your child is going to happen, because one of you is the parent and one of you is the child.  Infuriating your child happens because you have decided to also act like a child.  Ouch!

 

Four Restorative ideas for helping your child gain self-control:

1. Fold your hands. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous and is just too easy of an answer, but I am telling you from my own experience that this actually works.  When you see that your child is getting ready to lose it, tell him to fold his hands.  This allows him to focus his negative energy into one place and get control of his emotions. If I were to ask my children how many times they have had to fold their hands over the years, I would imagine they would say something like, “I can’t count that high.”  They did not fold their hands a lot because it does not work.  They folded their hands a lot because it does work! The best part about this technique is you can do it any place, any time, and with any age.  Hint, hint, that means adults too.
2. Provide a quiet space. Temper-tantrums are only temper-tantrums if you have an audience. A quiet space, a space without siblings or parents watching, can allow the child some grace and dignity to submit to self-control again. Think about this in your own life as an adult.  When you have those moments when you want to flop down on the floor and scream and kick, would you really want someone watching you?  If you actually did that, you would feel silly and embarrassed.  However, if you had some privacy to let out your emotion and gather yourself together without anyone watching, you would feel better and not have embarrassed yourself in the process.  The same is true of your child.
3. Sit down. Depending on your child, this suggestion either seems completely reasonable or completely ridiculous, but it works for both types of children.  Sitting down is similar to folding your hands.  When a child is out of control, she needs help focusing that energy.  Sitting is a great way to help her calm down physically and emotionally.  My son spent a lot of time sitting on the stairs and getting self-control.  Some kids do well with sitting on their beds, especially those introverts who want to be alone, but other kids, like my son, need to have a parent nearby to keep him…sitting.  J
4. Alone time. This is a little different than a quiet space.  A quiet space was for giving the child the privacy to submit to self-control without an audience.  Alone time is for the purpose of giving the child time to be alone without having to interact with siblings or other people.  Self-control can be restored by getting away from others, especially when others are what led to the meltdown in the first place.  I am an introvert and I covet my alone time.  I am more self-controlled and pleasant to be around when I have been able to be alone with my own thoughts.  Our kids need a chance to be alone too.

 

Despite how I started this blog, self-control is not a party pooper.  The book of Proverbs compares a lack of self-control to a city whose walls are falling down.  That does not sound like a party to me. Self-control is actually the life of the party, as it is part of the Fruit of the Spirit.  This is why we do not say and do whatever we want.  Self-control is not a restraint, it is freedom.  Freedom to become more like Christ.  So put your party hats on and show off your self-control.

 

Tricia McDonald is the wife of SGM(ret) McDonald and four adult children.  She is learning to adjust to civilian life now that her husband has retired.  She is also learning to adjust to life without homeschooling, as all of her children have graduated.  Tricia volunteers her time teaching U.S. History to local homeschooled high schoolers, and coordinating music for a local semi-professional youth theatre.  She enjoys blogging from time and time and is trying to figure out what she should be when she grows up.  She wants to encourage all the young moms to hang in there and enjoy the moments, as they will pass far more quickly than you ever thought possible.

 

What is a parent to DO in response to the child’s failure to obey?  This could be a really long discussion. First-time Obedience (FTO) training starts with training the child to come to the call of his name – that is the context of this blog.  It is written as a follow up to my recent blog “First-Time Obedience is Key” (https://christianfamilyheritage.org/first-time-obedience-is-key/ ).  We’ll look at what to do when your child does not come. These tools can also be applied to the myriad of other situations that arise when a child does not comply with parental expectations.

 

First Things First. Tell your child what you expect.

To be fair, before you can give a consequence for something, you must make sure that you have completely instructed your child in what you expect him or her to do and, when appropriate, given the reason why. It is best if the parent gets verbal assent from the child that he understands what is expected and intends to comply. Taking the time to give complete instruction helps the child know that you are serious about his compliance.

 

• Demonstrate it

For younger children you may need to show them what you want. Once you are sure they understand, begin to require them to come every time their names are called.  Role playing can be helpful when introducing the concept to a child of any age.

 

I called. My child didn’t come. Now what?

 

• Practice Makes Perfect

In the initial training period there is a temptation to repeat the call. Don’t. Instead, if your child does not come to the call, go to her. Let her know in a calm voice that not coming is not an option.  Have the child stop what she is doing and practice. For a younger child you may take her hand and lead her to the place where you were standing when you called. Repeat to her, “You must come when Mommy calls you.” Have your child respond with, “Yes, Mommy.” Then send her back to her starting place and practice several more times. This isn’t a very severe consequence to start, but as you are trying to build consistency, practicing in this way helps to reinforce the habit and communicates its importance. Older kids learn that if they don’t like to “practice”, then they need to come right away.

 

• Don’t allow a child to practice it wrong

Recently I was working with my 2-year-old granddaughter in learning FTO. She wanted to stop and pick up toys along the way as she was coming. Each time this happened, I made her go back and put the toy where she found it and start again. She had to practice coming and walking past all the temptations along her path. By not allowing her to practice it wrong, I was reinforcing what true obedience looks like.

 

• Give a Logical Consequence

Once a child knows what you expect and has shown an understanding of FTO, failure to comply will require more than simply practicing it right. In the training phase I will usually allow my son to return to what he was doing when I first called, but when he is now willfully ignoring the call, I must find a suitable consequence. The most logical choice in this situation is that he has lost the freedom to continue his play and must do some other, less desirable activity. This could be having some time to sit and think about his disobedience, or doing a chore.

 

• Related Consequences

A logical consequence could be related to the reason I called him in the first place. Perhaps I called because we were going to go to the park or to enjoy some ice cream. The logical consequence for not coming to the call would be to deny him this privilege. In fact, when I am working on my son’s consistency in coming, I will often call for reasons he will perceive as positive. It sets up a scenario where I can reward or correct him depending on his response. Of course for this to work, don’t let him know why you are calling until he has rightly responded to your call.

 

• Consequences with value

When considering what consequence to give, keep in mind that whatever it is, it must have value to the child. It is best if it is related in some way to the offense as described above. If the situation does not have such an immediately obvious connection, I might still take his game time away for the day because that is what he values. However, if you take the time to think the situation through, you will often come up with a related consequence that will bring meaningful correction.

 

• Isolate the child

Isolation is simply loss of social contact. It can look differently depending on the situation. Sometimes the child is isolated with just his thoughts and at other times he is allowed to play but must do so alone. Isolation is appropriate when the child gives a lot of resistance. In a younger child, resistance may be loud crying or a tantrum which makes other forms of correction difficult or impossible. Simply remove the child from the situation and isolate him in a crib or playpen until he is calm. When he is calm, the parent returns him to the situation with the same instruction to come. Usually this is sufficient to gain his compliance.

 

Attention to Attitude

 For older kids, I may isolate for coming to the call with the wrong attitude. In training to FTO, we must not stop with right action; we must continue to train to achieve obedience from the heart. Remember true obedience is immediate, complete, without challenge and without complaint. Isolation can be used to help the child change his attitude and it can also be used as a logical consequence. For example, if my son comes to the call with disrespect or complaining, he has not truly obeyed me from his heart. I may have him sit in a quiet spot to get his attitude right. Once he is ready and rightly responds, then I will give a follow-up consequence. This may mean isolation from siblings or friends or another related logical consequence.  In the first instance of isolation there is no time limit. My son sits until he changes his attitude and is ready to obey. Depending on the child this can take a while. When isolation is a consequence, I will set the time limit for isolation from the family or friends. It is important to note that sitting to get his spirit ready to obey is not the consequence since he should have come with the right attitude from the beginning. Failure to give a follow-up consequence in this case will undermine the importance of FTO and encourage a false repentance. 

 

This just scratches the surface.

 To achieve First-time Obedience in children, parents must be ready and willing to give a First-time Response. These and other tools explained in the GFI materials equip the parent with appropriate and fair consequences necessary for bringing children to the standard of FTO.

 

 

Beth Ann Plumberg is a Contact Mom for Christian Family Heritage. She is wife to Chuck, mom to four grown boys and 3 daughters-in-love and grandma to 3 precious babies. Chuck and Beth Ann are active in their local church discipling young parents and leading classes.

 

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. Proverbs 25:28

Self-control seems to be a lost virtue in our culture of “whatever I want, whenever I want it”.  But as you read that verse from Proverbs, the Bible portrays a sobering picture of how vulnerable we leave our children if we don’t train them in this important character trait.  Not only is the heart able to be penetrated by outside influences, the child is without protection from further attack.

Since this is found in the Bible, we know that from the beginning of time, humankind has struggled with self-control.  But never before in history has there been such an availability to everything, everywhere, at any time, as now in this digital age.  Not only are we as adults assaulted constantly to give in to our every desire, but our children are targeted by the culture even as infants to have their every want fulfilled instantly.

Is there any hope for the future?  Yes!  Fortunately, we know that with Christ there is ALWAYS hope, and we rely on the Holy Spirit to guide, direct, and convict us in every area as believers.  God has also given us a framework for understanding how to live within healthy boundaries and how to grow in virtue.

Before we get practical, let’s examine what makes self-control a virtue.  As outlined in Chapter 14 of the Parenting from the Tree of Life series by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, self-control is:

1. The ability to effectively govern one’s emotions, desires, or actions.
2. The internal ability that allows us to say “No” to immediate wants and desires, when deferred gratification is the better option.
3. A mechanism of the heart and mind that empowers a person to “consider” rather than “react”.
4. The ability to refrain from doing things we might regret.
5. A habit of learning that allows a person to focus, concentrate, and pay attention.
6. A foundational virtue on which all other virtues depend in order to function properly

 

That is a list that I not only want to be mastering myself as a parent, but I definitely want to be using it as a guide to shape my kids to swim upstream as believers in Christ in this broken world.  Studies have even been done which prove what we already knew: children who possess strong self-control grow up with character traits such as being highly self-motivated, dependable, trustworthy, emotionally stable, and able to adapt to change.  God wants us to train our children to have self-control for the furthering of His Kingdom.  Those who possess strong self-control will be most effective in promoting the Gospel and will be sensitive to the movement of the Holy Spirit and obedient to God.

The good news is that if you parent your kids intentionally, self-control is not only achievable at a young age, but it will actually reduce the amount of correction you’ll have to give along the way.  That is GREAT news, in my opinion!

So how do we achieve this lofty goal?  It won’t happen by itself, nor can it be taught like a subject at school.  You must be providing opportunities for your kids to PRACTICE self-control.  These are found in structure and routine and in moral training.  Here are some beginning principles to help you get started:

1. For little ones with lots of energy, self-control needs to be specific and concrete. The energy has to be redirected and asking the child to “fold his hands” is a simple but VERY effective way to begin training in self-control.  I can personally attest to this.  All three of our own children caught onto this quickly.  The usefulness of this principle is unlimited: from church services to grocery stores and from car trips to restaurants.

2. When training in self-control, be sure to stay engaged so that you can stay on top of the behavior BEFORE it gets OUT of control. This is one way that you’ll have to correct less.  By staying ahead of the behaviors, you can quickly regain self-control before it is totally lost.

We started the discussion with what happens without self-control, but just a few chapters earlier in Proverbs, we see the life-giving perspective of this principle.  Look what is possible when we make the effort to train in self-control: Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. (Proverbs 16:32)  Not only will the heart be impenetrable, but they will be more prepared for the battles ahead, even more than one who “takes a city.”

 

Julie Bame is wife to Rich, mom to three beautiful girls, a Contact Mom for Christian Family Heritage, and Worship Coordinator at North Clinton Church.  Rich and Julie are passionate to see the Kingdom come in all of life, but especially so in marriages and families.  They count it a great privilege to walk the journey of parenting with anyone who will join them.