15 Apr 2019

Constantly Changing

by | posted in: Family, Transitions | 0

Do you ever feel that the only constant in life is that things are constantly changing? I know I do! Our lives are filled with circumstances that require we adapt from one thing to the next. This is true for us and for our kids. These transitions are sometimes planned and sometimes unexpected.

 

Two years ago my husband and I began to plan for his retirement this May. As that day fast approaches, in the last 5 months we have helped plan and host my son’s wedding, taken my mother with us to Sweden, enjoyed all the holidays, and spent two weeks in another state helping with the birth our newest grandchild. For the last 5 weeks I unexpectedly had to put everything on hold to help my mother through an illness and major surgery. (She is now recovering nicely 🙂 As these months have been both joyful and difficult, I have found the following principles have helped me through this time of multiple transitions and ever-changing plans.

 

  • Focus on Truth – God’s Word gives us the right perspective on life. It reorients us to reality and what’s most important. It speaks to our need in the moment and helps us sort out the facts from our feelings. We can then choose a wise response to our current situation. So often through my mother’s illness the Spirit would direct my reading or bring a verse to mind to speak to my need. In times of transition, God’s Word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. (Psalm 119:105)

 

  • Find the familiar – In transitions, when things feel unsettled, keeping simple routines can bring comfort. If this is true for us, imagine how much more it applies to our young children. Structure and routine bring a security that things are ok. Familiar items like a blanket or favorite toy can bring calm. For adults, doing something “normal” when you are in transition can give you a break from the stress and restore some peace of mind. For me, reading my Bible, praying, watching church online, checking in with my kids and grandkids, offering parenting advice to a friend, or even just doing the dishes or a load of laundry helped to keep me connected to life outside the hospital and feel normal.

 

  • Be thankful – Find what you can to be thankful for in the transition. There is always something! We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Being thankful can change us from fear or worry to having hope. It helps us to focus on the positives. When my normally happy child becomes moody and difficult in the middle years transition, instead of being annoyed, I can be thankful for the insight I gain into his heart. I am grateful for the opportunity to lead and guide him in this season of life. Having gratitude helps me to accept where he is in the process of maturing. It gets my focus off my frustration with his attitudes and puts my mind on how I can mentor him through it.

 

  • Look ahead to the new normal – After living through 2 months of life with my firstborn child, I told my husband I felt like I was “holding my breath waiting for things to settle down and just get back to normal.” It then dawned on us, this was the “new normal!” It seems obvious, right? Just the fact that we call it a transition means something else will follow. We should look ahead to that “new normal” and take one step at a time to reach it. This will help set our minds and hearts on a forward goal. Part of the angst of the transition is that we are trying to hold onto the way things were. Thinking ahead to how I want to come out on the other side of a transition helps me to accept and be at peace with it. This has been especially helpful in my current season, looking toward to having my mom live with us and all that retirement will bring. We are anticipating this new season with hope and joy!

 

  • Help your child through transitions – Most of the transitions our children experience are a normal part of growing up. It’s easy to look at their problems and think they’re no big deal. We lived through it, so will they. When I was struggling through my mom’s illness, I called on a friend who recently walked this same road. She didn’t tell me anything new, but she listened and was able to empathize with all I was feeling and it gave comfort to know I was not alone. In this same way, we need to take the time to be that listening ear for our kids, to see things from their perspective. We can help our children articulate what they are feeling.  We can encourage them to rely upon the Lord and to be faithful and obedient through their current trial. While we must continue to hold them to the standard, recognizing that they experience the same emotions that we do and being empathetic can facilitate a change in their attitudes. We need to teach them these same principles: to look to God’s Word for wisdom, to be thankful, and encourage them to accept and embrace the new normal in each stage of their lives.

 

Although life is constantly changing, may we all be encouraged that the God who never changes is the God who directs our steps through it all. (Hebrews13:8; Proverbs 16:9)

 

 

Beth Ann Plumberg has been a contact mom since 1995. She has been married to Chuck for 36 years. They are active in teaching parents in their local church. They have 4 grown sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love, 3 adorable grandchildren with #4 on the way!
9 Apr 2019

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be…

by | posted in: Parenting from The Tree of Life, Training | 0

Oh the wonder and imagination that flows when a child is asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” As children dream of what they want to be, they don’t realize that there will be many transitions along the way.  As parents we deal with those same transitions. Along this road we call parenting there are 4 phases when we need to make some transitions:

  1. Discipline Phase (toddlerhood to early childhood)
  2. Training Phase (elementary school years)
  3. Coaching Phase (junior high and high school)
  4. Friendship Phase (college age and beyond)

Sometimes as parents we get stuck in one phase because it is working and we’re reluctant to change.  But we can actually harm our relationships with our children if we get stuck. For instance, it is easy to get stuck in the discipline phase.  We get comfortable telling our kids what to do and expecting and receiving full obedience.  But, we must move on to the training phase and work on reaching the hearts of our children, pouring into their moral warehouse so they learn how to think biblically.  As they grow and mature, we need to transition again into the coaching phase – allowing them the freedom to fail and asking probing questions to make sure we’ve reached their hearts.  It’s helpful to ask ourselves “When my kids grow up what do I want my relationship to look like?” The answer to that question will motivate you to move out of your comfort zone and make the necessary transitions.

When transitioning from one phase to the next, you won’t leave one behind completely. You will move in and out of two phases before transitioning completely. For example, when transitioning from training to coaching, you will give more freedoms to your teens and then pull them to the sidelines to help them make better plays in life. Your teen might make a really bad decision that reveals a gap in his training.  You move right back into the training phase to take care of their heart in that situation. Attitudes of the heart are the biggest telltale sign that your child is ready to start making a transition. Attitudes of the heart are also a telltale sign that your child will waver between two phases before making a complete transition.

Your ultimate relational goal that you want to “grow up to be as a parent” is your adult child’s friend. The great part about this final transition is that if you have successfully reached their hearts, they will come to you for advice. Building relationships of trust is the goal in each of the different phases. When you build that trust and your children’s hearts are tender toward the things of God and others, then you might very well hear from your adult children “When I grow up I want to be just like my parents.”

 

Cynthia Schrock was born in Ohio but grew up on the mission field with her parents in Quito, Ecuador. She married her wonderful husband Eric in 1990. They have two adult children: Ashley and Matthew. In 2016 Cynthia completed a 13 year long journey of homeschooling. Eric and Cynthia have been involved in marriage and parenting ministry over 20 years. Cynthia is a Contact Mom, helping moms with solutions in their daily parenting struggles.  She has also authored a book on celebrating others called The Ultimate Gift of a Birthday.

 

3 Apr 2019

45-minute Intruder

by | posted in: Babies, Babywise, Infant Naps, Infant Sleep | 0

The sleep/nap challenge of waking early is so common among babies that over time, it has gained a reputation and become known as the ’45-minute Intruder’.  While the intruder can visit your baby at any time, it often shows up between seven and eight weeks, at four months, and again at six months of age.  It might stick around a day or two or decide to take up residence for a couple of weeks.

What should you do if the intruder visits your baby’s normal naptimes?  If you have ruled out the simple interruptions (need for a burp, trapped gas, or diaper rash), we suggest you begin by treating the sleep intruder as a hunger problem and not a sleep adjustment problem.  Try feeding your baby first; if he shows no interest in feeding or does not feed well, you have just ruled out that ‘hunger’ was the cause.  But if the baby does take a full feeding, you have narrowed the problem to a feeding issue.  This could be an indicator that he is starting a growth spurt, or there is a decrease in your milk supply or the quality of your milk.

 

If the intruder turns out not to be a feeding issue, you then must consider one of the following explanations:

  • His tummy is troubling him because of a newly developed condition of reflux
  • He is starting a sleep/nap transition and is sleeping too much over the course of twenty-four hours.
  • Waketimes are over-stimulating or too long
  • Baby’s crib is too stimulating
  • Baby is waking up in response to familiar pleasure-associated sounds
  • Baby is not being exposed to enough daylight
  • The first feeding of the day has too much flexibility

 

The key to fixing the problem is to identify the source of the problem and then work toward a solution.  If there is any silver lining with the transitory sleep/nap challenges, apart from it being a nutrition issue, sleep intrusions are temporary and if Mom does nothing but feed more often (if appropriate), the problem usually fixes itself.  The only cost to Mom is the noticeable appearance of the first gray hairs on her young head.

 

 

Excerpt taken from Preparation for Parenting by Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo

 

28 Mar 2019

Help! I Don’t Know How to Use the Funnel!

by | posted in: Bed Time, Boundaries, Child Training, Freedoms, Melt Downs | 0

The concept of the funnel in parenting seemed easy enough to understand.  The visual picture of the funnel showed me that tight boundaries in the early years would open up as the child demonstrated responsibility and maturity.  Applying this concept in practice, however, proved elusive to me.  I struggled to understand how to use the funnel in everyday training with our children.  If that’s where you are, perhaps the following examples will enlighten and equip you.

If you encounter meltdowns in your child or continued frustration as a parent, ask yourself, “What freedom or privilege is my child not handling well?”  When you answer that question – and set a new boundary consistent with your child’s maturity – you have used the funnel to restore order and peace in your home.  What I thought sit time, chastisement, or loss of privilege would correct in my child was often more effectively handled by adjusting the funnel.

 

Does your child have too many toys to pick up?  Here are some ways to respond using the funnel:

  • Limit the number of toys available to play with. Consider a toy rotation every six weeks.  I’d have my children gather all the toys and put them on the floor together.  Then I’d get a black trash bag full of toys from the basement and bring them upstairs.  It was like Christmas as they discovered forgotten toys.  After the bag was empty, we’d put the “old toys” in the black bag to store for 6 weeks.
  • Train your child to put away one toy before getting another one out. He who is faithful with little will be given more.

 

Do you have messes to clean up because a curious toddler or preschooler in another room empties a drawer, closet, or shelf? 

  • Being in another room unsupervised is too much freedom for a toddler. Staying in the same room with you will keep your toddler inside the funnel. Use blanket time, playpen time, or high chair time to help your toddler focus on an activity.
  • Maybe you need to set a boundary for your preschooler like, “You may play with things on this shelf or this drawer. You may not open these drawers.”  If they continue to disregard your boundaries, then your child needs to stay with you.

 

Does your toddler attempt to climb out of his/her crib? 

  • Early correction, as soon as he lifts his leg to climb over the rail, is appropriate. Don’t wait until he comes out of his room.  Use your voice to give a directive, “Stay in your bed.  I will come get you when it is time to get up.”

 

Have you moved your toddler from the crib to a big bed but he won’t stay in bed now? 

  • Put your toddler back in his crib to sleep. During the day, work on staying inside boundaries such as blanket time or sitting in a chair.
  • Start with a short training time, even 15 seconds, and build up the amount of time, using a timer to define the end of the training time. Praise him for staying where you put him, even if he cried.
  • When your child stays where you put him until you come to get him (and you’ve worked up to at least 20-30 minutes), then he is ready for a big bed.

 

Are you frustrated because your child won’t sit still in a chair at the table or makes big messes with his food? 

  • You can tighten his funnel and reduce the messes and conflict by returning him to his high chair. Praise him for sitting still and then try the chair again in a few weeks.
  • Consider a booster seat with a seatbelt.
  • Praise the behavior you want to see so your child knows the boundaries. Children respond well to praise.  Catch him staying in the boundaries you desire and praise him.  When our 20-month-old grandson was characterized by throwing his food and cup off the table, my husband started praising him before he had a chance to discard his food.  He would praise him saying, “Peter, you are doing a good job sitting on your bottom, staying on your chair, keeping your food on your plate,” or whatever the current issue was.  Peter would look across the table, smile at the praise, and attend to his food.  It wasn’t a one-time praise; more likely 4-5 times during the meal at first.  We all learned a valuable lesson in practice that day.

 

Does your 10-year-old have trouble getting ready on time in the morning on his own?  Have you recently altered his bedtime to allow him to stay up later?  You realize he is not handling the increased freedom well.

  • Maybe you need to have a discussion during a time of non-conflict about what responsibilities go with the freedom of a later bedtime.
  • If he continues to be late for breakfast or school, using the funnel, you may move his bedtime back to the earlier time.
  • When can he have the freedom of the later bedtime back? When he is taking care of his other responsibilities, without reminders from a parent, over a long period (maybe 2 weeks, 2 months, or longer) then he can earn that freedom back.

 

What about using the funnel with a new driver? 

  • In our family, we had our own graduated driver’s license. Using the principle that he who is faithful with little will be given more, our new drivers started with limited distance from home, no passengers, daylight driving hours, and nonhazardous road conditions.
  • As they demonstrated faithfulness over 3 months, the funnel opened slightly allowing them to drive further from home, with one sibling as a passenger, and later in the evening.
  • With continued good driving habits and responsibility, the funnel opened even further, until they eventually had all freedoms allowed by the state laws.
  • This allowed our new drivers to gain experience and confidence and demonstrate responsible habits in line with their new freedom.

 

The funnel is your friend.  I have a mini funnel hanging on my refrigerator as a reminder that wisdom is a better choice than reminding, threatening, or bribing, which are usually ineffective.  The funnel helps parents train their children to be responsible with the freedoms they earn and can be adapted for any age.  What is happening in your home that frustrates you?  How can you use the funnel to restore peace and order?

 

 

After 25 years of homeschooling, Beth Blunk is adjusting to the empty nest years, having launched six children into their adult years.  She is wife to newly retired husband, Ed, which offers another transition and the ability to plan fun adventures to see the grandchildren (seven and counting), as well as the ministry of encouragement to young couples and families.  Making memories with her own growing extended family is a priority.  She enjoys flower gardening and mentoring other young wives and mothers.

 

 

 

 

 

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