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2 Oct 2016

Couch Time and Secure Children by Angela Pascoe

by ContactMom.Life | posted in: Marriage, Moral Training, Routine | 0

In the hectic pace of family life, Couch Time can often be one of the first things dropped from a full day. The following article comes from a blog by Angela Pascoe, a Contact Mum from our Growing Families Australia ministry. Angela offers helpful advice on how and why to keep Couch Time a priority which is important for all families no matter the continent!

Do your children know you love each other? Making your marriage a priority benefits your children and helps you to build a happy, secure and stable family. Much of your child’s sense of security comes from them seeing the relationship between you and your spouse functioning smoothly. When they can see that Mum and Dad really do love each other, they can rest in the assurance that the two most important people in their life are there to stay.

One tangible way we can give our children this assurance is by implementing couch time. Couch time comes from the Growing Kids God’s Way parenting course by Gary and Anne-Marie Ezzo. The Ezzo’s explain couch time this way: “When the workday is over, take ten or fifteen minutes to sit on the couch as a couple. Couch time is to take place when the children are awake, not after they go to bed. Couch time provides children with a visual sense of your togetherness. It is one tangible way your child can measure Mom and Dad’s love relationship and have that inner need satisfied. In addition, couch time provides a forum for Mom and Dad’s personal and relational needs to be met.”

Many couple will respond that they do not need couch time because their children know they love each other. They do not fight and get along just fine. That may be true, but if we step back for a minute and take a look at it from the child’s point of view, the children may not be getting the tangible reminder that they need. Many of us spend the evening after Dad gets home getting children fed, clean and into bed. Once the work is done, Mum and Dad sit back, relax and have some time together. But our children are not here for this together time. They have seen Mum and Dad working together but not operating within a husband/wife role that demonstrates their love relationship with each other.

Benefits:

Couch time is good for the whole family, but is particularly useful if you have children who are regularly waking at night or just seem to be misbehaving for no good reason. You will be amazed at how the simple act of talking together for a short time every night will help bring peace to your home. Sometimes the simple things really are the best things. Don’t knock it ’til you try it! A word of warning though; don’t expect any behavioral changes until you have been consistent for at least a couple of weeks. They are watching to see if this is a new flash in the pan thing that will disappear or if it’s permanent.

What:

10 minutes or so to sit and talk together, not engaging in any other task, otherwise children perceive that you are “cooking” or “washing dishes” etc. even though you know that you are sharing and catching up.They need to see you just talking and loving each other. Eye contact and full attention necessary!

Have Dad be the one that announces “It’s couch time, I am going to talk to Mummy because I love her and you need to play here with …. and not interrupt until we are done.”
Expect kids to test your resolve initially – in the longer term they will probably start reminding you to have it! Have Dad be the one who tells a child who is trying to interrupt that they need to wait until couch time is over to talk. Why? Mum is in charge all day and this is one way to demonstrate that Dad is head of the house. Otherwise your child may perceive that Dad is only doing it because Mum is making him as she is in charge of all else in the child’s world for the rest of the day.

When:

Any time of day when the children are awake and present. When Dad first walks in is a good time but not always practical. Does your husband get home late? Have the kids fed, teeth done, ready and in bed. You two sit on the end of their bed and chat before hubby spends some time reading a story and spending time with the children. Perhaps have it first up in the morning while Mum and Dad have a coffee together. The time is not important, consistency is.

Where:

Somewhere the children can see and hear you but not interrupt. Not while you do something else. The exception here is dinner. If your children do not need help during the meal, you may announce after grace is said and the food is served that it is Mummy and Daddy’s talk time now so please eat your dinner in silence until it is your turn to speak. The added bonus here is that with nothing to do other than eat, dinner gets eaten in record time! If you are still having to help little ones or be constantly interrupted, then dinner is not the time for you to practice couch time.

How often:

Every day if you can when you first get started, but once the habit is established then 4 or more times a week. The younger the children are, the more important it is to do every day until a pattern is set. Remember they will try to interrupt and you are training a new skill so be consistent until expectations are well established.

Preparation:

Teach toddlers to have blanket or mat time so that they will stay within the boundary set by you with a few toys to keep them occupied while you talk. Set aside a bag or container of toys that are just for couch time to keep interest high. Pop small children into their playpen while you talk. Direct older children to find a book, some cars or whatever will be interesting to them while you chat. Sometimes children will want to have their own “couch time” while you are talking.

What to talk about:

While with young children it really does give you an opportunity to share and develop your relationship, with older kids the situation is a little different because it becomes a filtered conversation. It’s not a true reflection of our day because we still have to watch what we say in front of the kids. I can’t really share what my day has been like because that involves talking about the children in a way I would not do in front of them or in front of their siblings. Now we use the time to communicate to Dad areas we are working on with the children, their successes from the day, academic achievements and other non-moral happenings. I would not embarrass a child by reporting their misbehaviours in front of their siblings.

Discipline:

Children who persistently interrupt may need to be removed from the room for that day’s couch time or given other suitable consequences. You may like to use a 10 minute sand timer so the kids can see how long they need to wait. Our 5, 10 and 15 minute sand-timers are always being used for something. They are great for little ones because they can see how much time is passing and how much remains.

25 Sep 2016

One Standard Fits All

by ContactMom.Life | posted in: Moral Training, Routine | 0

Given the fact that every child is endowed with unique gifts, talents and personality that set him or her apart from others, is it reasonable to expect similar achievements from each child? If the question was limited to intellectual capacities, the answer is “No, you cannot expect identical results.” If limited to endowment of a specific gift, or athletic abilities, again, the answer is “No,” parents should not expect the same from each child. However, when it comes to character formation and moral education, one standard does fit all.

We recognize that all children are different. Brothers and sisters can be as different from each other as the child next door. Every child has a unique temperament and personality combination that distinguishes him or her from all others. However, personality development and moral training are not the same thing.

Think of temperament and gender as representing the foundation of a house. Built on the foundation is the child’s personality. Personality represents the unique style of each home: single level ranch, farm style, or multilevel. A person’s character is the quality of craftsmanship that went into building the house, regardless of its style, shape or uniqueness.

When it comes to character formation, how children learn will vary, but what they are learning must remain the same. Think of it this way. If you take 20 people and put them in a room, you will end up with a smorgasbord of personality and temperament combinations. Which of the 20 personality types should be exempt from kindness, patience, self-control, gentleness, humility, endurance, obedience, respect, honesty, or integrity? None, of course. When it comes to the standard of ethical training, one size fits all.

As parents, we do not lower the standards of moral expectations based on a child’s individual uniqueness; rather, with their uniqueness, we seek to bring each child to the standard. How that is accomplished can vary from child to child, and the achievement times will vary based on developmental age and readiness; but the moral standard to which each child is trained remains the same.

This article reprinted from www.growingfamiliesusa.com

18 Sep 2016

The Potato Principle

by ContactMom.Life | posted in: Marriage, Training | 1

Closely tied to suppressing the waywardness in children is the Potato Principle—a concept shared by ministry associates, Don and Karen Kurtz. The Potato Principle was derived from a real mealtime experience. Here’s how the name came about.

While dining out one evening, Don ordered a baked potato with his meal. As he was enjoying it, he noticed a small dark spot just under the surface. Karen suggested he ask for a fresh potato. However, Don looked at the potato and said, “Ninety-nine percent of it is fine; it tastes great and I can work around the small bad spot.” A conversation ensued, and that is when the Potato Principle was born.

Abraham Maslow once commented, “He that is good with a hammer tends to see everything as a nail.” This truth has some measurable connection to this principle. Certainly, there are seasons in parenting when it seems the only behaviors standing out are the bad spots. However, the Potato Principle speaks of the Mom or Dad who is fixated on the bad, at the expense of the good. The bad spot may represent 2% or 50% of the child’s behavior, but it receives 100% of the parent’s attention.

The Potato Principle warns parents not to fixate solely on the bad spots, because in time, the child’s “good” is no longer appreciated or seen. Parents then begin to measure their child’s goodness by the absence of bad. Like the potato, one is only good if there are no bad spots.

Sadly, the message children hear is much different then what the parent is hoping to communicate. Like a potato with a bad spot, children hear, “If I’m not perfect, I’m not acceptable.” This message not only undermines any incentive to do good (because it will never be good enough for Mom or Dad), but also does long-term harm to the relationship, for it is not one based on love and respect, but performance.

We recognize the breadth of our audience and know there are those within that number who experienced the sting of this precept in their own childhood. They had a Mom or Dad who could always find something that was not perfect (perhaps an academic task that could have been improved). Their excellence as a child was never excellent enough.

Yet, at the other end of the spectrum are those parents who only look at the good, and are all too willing to ignore any obvious blemish. Parents do not have to toss out the whole potato because of one or two bad spots, but nor should those spots be ignored. When left unattended, “bad spots” have a way of corrupting all that is good. For the sake of your children, we hope the Potato Principle will help guide you to a healthy balance guided by this thought: Children should be trained to moral excellence not moral perfection.

This article reprinted from www.growingfamiliesusa.com.

11 Sep 2016

The Corollary Impact of Moral Training

by ContactMom.Life | posted in: Moral Training, Training | 0

Parents attracted to the Growing Families curricula tend to be cognizant of the important role that character training plays in a child’s development. These are parents who believe in the priority of moral education for their children, and view character training as a way of life and not simply window dressing added to a child’s personality. They desire to understand how to instill honesty, empathy, compassion, kindness, gentleness, respect, honor, and self-control in their children and find their answers in the “whole-child” approach to parenting shared by the Ezzos.

One of the great misconceptions relating to moral education is the belief that it is an isolated category of training, and as such, has little influence on the other categories of development. That is a very misguided assumption. To the contrary, instilling virtues, values, and behavioral expectations into children actually sets in place a critical cornerstone on which the “whole child” is built.

Parenting the “Whole-Child” reflects a child-rearing approach that considers the natural capacities of children as the primary targets of parenting. It is the counterweight to, on one hand, the unbalanced, child-centered, laissez-faire approach that elevates a child’s happiness over morality, and, on the other hand, the strictness of the authoritarian approach that regulates behavior often at the expense of a child’s developing emotions.

Derived from Mark 12:30, the “whole child” reference reflects a training perspective that considers the natural capacities of children as the primary targets of training. Here Jesus touches on a substantive truth of childhood development when describing how Christ Followers are to love God:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.

o The Heart represents man’s moral capacity. The duty of parents is to help their child internalize virtues that reflect God’s character.
o The Soul represents our emotional capacity (the seat of our consciousness). The duty of parents is to nurture their child’s emotional well-being. Parents help their children establish internal controls over both positive and negative emotions.
o The Mind represents man’s intellectual capacity. The duty of parents is to stimulate their child’s intellectual competency. Parents educate their children in basic skills, logic, and useful knowledge.
o Strength represents our physical capacities. The duty of parents is to nurture and provide for their children’s physical growth and well-being, including the development their children’s skills, giftedness and talents.

Although each capacity is in need of specific training, developmental evidence strongly suggests that only moral training has multiple corollary benefits that actually serve the other three capacities, and help bring them to maturity. Take, for example, the corollary impact moral training can have on a child’s cognitive ability—the ability to process information, think and reason well, and to be a problem solver.

In order for children to function at their highest potential, they need to acquire highly-developed habits of learning, which include foundational skills, such as sitting, focusing, concentrating, paying attention and persevering. Not surprisingly, these specific skills are embedded in the moral training process and become attributes that over time, are used in the service of the other three capacities. They are habits of moral logic easily transferred to the academic and skill side of a child’s developing mind.

However, the process does not work in reverse. Playing with blocks, putting puzzles together, and matching colors are important learning activities. Yet, these activities have value only to the extent that they are part of the learning process. Learning to count from one to ten, or picking out colors from a chart will not make your preschooler kinder, more self-controlled, or easier to manage. This realm of education has value, but the value is limited to the arena of knowledge and facts. It does not transfer to behavior.

In contrast, moral training not only influences behavior, but all aspects of a child’s expanding world of knowledge and subsequently, life itself. The mind, the emotions, talents and skills are all impacted by the quality and quantity of a Mom and Dad’s moral investment.