23 Jul 2018

First Time Obedience

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training, Speak Life | 0

“Yes, Mom.  I’ll obey.  Right away.  All the way.  The happy way.”  What would you do if your six-year-old answered your instruction with this little mantra?  What if I told you I know children who have done this?  Would you even believe me?  Those five little statements are the simplest definition of what First Time Obedience (FTO) is.   They are not some dream that a parent can only wish for while passed out from exhaustion.  FTO can be a reality in your home.

Have you ever heard someone say, “A child will rise to the parent’s expectation.”? I do not know who is credited with that little nugget of wisdom, but they were right.  In fact, that is true of all of us–child or adult.  We will do what is expected.  Rarely, will we do more than what is expected. Most often, we will do less, IF (and that is a great, big, gigantic, in-your-face, neon-lit, flashing-bright-light “IF”) we know we can get away with less.  Are you having an a-ha moment?  You should be.

FTO is really quite simple.  You expect your child to obey the first time and in return, your child obeys the first time.  Ta-da!  Problem solved.  Thank you. Thank you very much.  You can now proceed with your parenting and never have another conflict.  Life will heretofore be filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows.  Wait!  What?  Oh, sorry, I lapsed into my own little dream where we all live in a perfect world.  I will save that for another blog.

While FTO is simple in theory, it takes a little, well, it takes a lot of parental work.  When I say it takes a lot of work, I don’t mean it takes a lot of knowledge or creativity or genius or study. I mean it takes a lot of work.  As in, you have to be the parent!  You have to get your hands dirty.  You have to work hard.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Oh, there is another one of those little anonymous gems that are actually true.  If you say it is time for bed, well, then it is time for bed.  If you say it is time to leave the playground, well, then it is time to leave the playground.  Often times we find ourselves stressed-out and exhausted by the attitudes and actions of our children, but how often is that exhaustion the result of them wearing you down?  You know what I mean.  The child knows what I mean.  Listen to me, that child KNOWS what I mean.  “Just one more book, Mommy.  Just one more time down the slide, Mommy.”  Sometimes the child says it with such a sweet, angelic little face that your heart just melts and you say, “Sure, we can read one more.”  But, do you know what that child just heard?  He heard you say, “I know I said it was time for bed, but because you asked/begged for one more book, I will change my mind and do what you want to do instead of what I said you should do.”  Seriously, that is what your child heard.  Now, I am not saying there is never a time for the extra book. Those times of extra books and extra slides down the slide should happen.   I am just saying that those times should be the exception not the rule.  When the rule is just-one-more because the child asked, you will never have FTO, because that is the exact opposite of FTO.  And the never-ending cycle of stress, conflict, and exhaustion just keeps its wheels turning on down the parenting road.

So, what is a stressed-out, exhausted, worn-out parent to do?  Those five little statements, with which I began this blog, those are your solution.  Let’s quickly look at them one at a time.

  1. Yes, Mom.  Do your children respond to you when you give them an instruction?  They should.  A response such as “yes, mom” lets you know the child heard you, and the child hears himself agree to your instruction.  This one simple answer has the power to reduce at least half of your battles in any given day.
  2. I’ll obey. What would you do if your child said this to you?  You would probably feel like the world’s most accomplished parent.  And, you know what, you would be right.  It is a huge accomplishment to teach a child to choose to obey.  When your child can obey a parent, he can obey other authority figures, which is really just the stark reality of the rest of our lives.
  3. Right away. Okay, now it is getting radical, right?  Right away?  You mean a child can obey right away?  Let me answer your question with a question.  Can your child obey the second time you instruct him?  The third?  What’s your number?  On what number of instruction does the child finally obey because he knows you mean it this time?  The number does not matter.  What matters is what you are doing differently that time that sends the message to your child that you really mean it.  Whatever that is, move it up to the first time you give the instruction and you will have “right away”, making you feel like you just might survive this parenting thing after all.
  4. All the way. I know, I know.  There is no way, right?  Your child will never do what you told them to do all the way.  As in… done.    Final.  Finished.  Finis.  Wrapped up.  Curtain, because the fat lady sang.  Are you ready for this?  He will!  Again, we rise to the expectation.  If you as the parent expect him to do it “all the way”, then he will do it “all the way”.
  5. The happy way. This is the real challenge.  Any kid can obey, right away, and all the way.  Any adult can obey, right away, and all the way.  How many kids do you know, how many adults do you know, that can obey with a happy heart?  Ouch!  Did I just step on your toes?  This one is personal to every person on earth.  We may not always want to obey.  We may not always want to obey right away.  We may not always want to obey completely, but we can.  If we are honest with ourselves, if we are honest about our children and our parenting, we know we can obey.  We know our kids can obey.  But, obeying with a happy heart?  Hmm, how are you doing with that in your own life Mom and Dad?  What are you modeling about obedience to your own children?  Cleaning toilets is not a glamorous job.  Do you do it without complaining?  I am not saying you have to be joyful about cleaning the toilet.  I am saying you can do it without complaining.  I am saying you can do it because it needs to be done.  The same is true for our children.  They may not want to go to bed or leave the playground, but they can do it without throwing a fit.  You can choose a happy heart and so can your child.

What did obedience look like in your house today?  Was there a dirty-faced, toothless grin smiling at you with a “yes, mom” as you told him it was time to leave the playground?  Do you wish there had been?  FTO is not just the stuff parenting dreams are made of.  FTO is a reality when parents are willing to do the work.  Are you ready?

 

Tricia McDonald is the wife of SGM(ret) McDonald and four adult children.  She is learning to adjust to civilian life now that her husband has retired.  She is also learning to adjust to life without homeschooling, as all of her children have graduated.  Tricia volunteers her time teaching U.S. History to local homeschooled high schoolers, and coordinating music for a local semi-professional youth theatre.  She enjoys blogging from time and time and is trying to figure out what she should be when she grows up.  She wants to encourage all the young moms to hang in there and enjoy the moments, as they will pass far more quickly than you ever thought possible.
18 Jul 2018

First-Time Obedience with Context

by | posted in: Moral Training, Speak Life | 0

What does first-time obedience look like in your family today? After teaching GFI parenting classes for over 20 years, this is the question we began asking parents that were part of our Growing Kids God’s Way class. First-time obedience may look differently in different families. This became very apparent to me years ago when we were teaching a GKGW class.  One of the families in the class was a blended family that had ten children from three different marriages. Children 9 and 10 were from the current marriage. The children ranged in age from a few months old to 16 years old.  The parents in this class were also all in different places in their spiritual walks.  After first-time obedience was introduced, the parents were very frustrated as they struggled to get their children to obey the first time.  Couch time was in place and they were doing their best to implement what they were learning, but they could not get first-time obedience.

As I prayed for these families, I realized through the guidance from the Holy Spirit that these parents were also dealing with rebellious teens, stepchildren that were only living with them on the weekends, and children who had years of learned behaviors that were very difficult to unlearn. In my prayer time I felt the Lord ask me, “How often do you obey Me the first time when I ask you to do something?” My pride wanted to say, “I obey whenever you ask,” but when I really looked at my heart, I realized that was not always the case.  Sometimes God had to ask me twice or even repeatedly for years before I did what He asked.  My own rebellion, fear, and arguing had kept me from being obedient to my Lord the first time. This did not mean I couldn’t change; I have gotten much better at obeying Him the first time, but this realization gave me perspective for these families. It helped me consider context in requiring first-time obedience.

When we met with these families again, the Lord showed me that our rigidity in requiring a high standard of obedience immediately could exasperate those who were just learning this important principle. So we began to set goals for the families that were attainable. Goals that gave them a hope and a future. We had been teaching first-time obedience for years and our standard with our own children had been that they would come at the call of their names eight times out of ten. Some of these families were overwhelmed with that. Instead, some of them set a goal for themselves of one time out of ten; some said three times out of ten. We helped them see that even something called first-time obedience is a process and that the context of their family situations must be considered.  They came back to class with excitement! Reports of four times out of ten were shared. The family with ten children that started with their goal of one out of ten became three times out of ten consistently by the end of the class. We would celebrate every milestone with them.

Remember that the fruit of legalism and rigidity is always hard and unsatisfying, but the fruit of grace and patience is sweet and good. Set your first-time obedience goals with context in mind and remember that it is a process. So I finish this blog asking the same question I started with. “What does first-time obedience look like in your family today?”

 

Cynthia Schrock was born in Ohio but grew up on the mission field with her parents in Quito, Ecuador. She married her wonderful husband Eric in 1990. They have two beautiful children: Ashley is 24 and Matthew is 19. In 2016 Cynthia completed a 13 year long journey of homeschooling. Eric and Cynthia have been involved in marriage and parenting ministry for 22 years. Cynthia is a Contact Mom, helping moms with solutions in their daily parenting struggles.  She has also authored a book on celebrating others called The Ultimate Gift of a Birthday.
13 Jul 2018

First-Time Obedience is Key

by | posted in: Moral Training, Training | 0

Sometimes parenting can seem like playing a game of Whack-A-Mole. Like those little moles, seemingly unrelated attitudes and misbehaviors in our children can begin to pop up with increasing frequency.  We deal with one, only to have another appear in another area. We scratch our heads and wonder what’s going on and why we can’t seem to get on top of things!

But perhaps those behaviors are not as unconnected as they seem. Barring major transitions or life circumstances, I have found the most common reason this occurs in our house is a failure to consistently call our children to the standard of First-Time Obedience (FTO).

By definition, true obedience is First -Time Obedience and is characterized by being:

  • Immediate               (Right away)
  • Complete                 (All the way – including a sustained response over time)
  • Without Challenge   (A willing heart)
  • Without Complaint   (A cheerful heart)

 

Training to this standard begins in the very early years and is aided by teaching the child to give a verbal response to acknowledge he has heard and understood. A simple “Yes, Mom” or “Yes, Dad” is most common.

Immediate and complete are right actions, and without challenge or complaint are right attitudes. Training in both right action and right attitude is imperative to teaching the child true obedience from the heart.

The starting point for training a child in FTO is teaching him to come to the call of his name and giving the right verbal response. This response should be transferred to all situations in which I speak my child’s name to gain his undivided attention for the purpose of instruction, or even simply giving information. After receiving instruction, the child is taught to give a verbal response to show he has heard and understood, indicating his intent to obey.

I have found time and again that when one or more of these standards are allowed to lapse, I end up playing another round of Whack-A-Mole.

So where are we getting off track? Here are a few ways we can slip in being consistent in the standards of obedience.

  • We compartmentalize and underutilize this training and only use it as a means of getting a child into the room. We fail to transfer this concept to all areas of instruction.
  • We don’t enforce the correct verbal response. We allow our children to say, “What?” when called or “Ok,” instead of “Yes, Mom”. Or worse, we end our instructions with, “Okay?” which makes them sound like suggestions or options that the child agrees to if he chooses.
  • We don’t separate the call from the command. (I learned this from my good friend, Carla Link.) When we fail to call a child to obedience before we give the instruction, we cloud the issue. Are they not following through out of a rebellious heart, or because they don’t enjoy the task? The call tests their readiness to obey and then I don’t confuse disappointment or reluctance over a given task with defiance. This changes how I respond and correct.
  • We repeat the call instead of requiring a response the first time. We fail to follow through on giving a consequence for this and give a reminder instead.
  • Our FTO training is incomplete. We give consequences for wrong actions but only remind or admonish for wrong attitudes. This fails to get to the heart of the child.

 

When we fall into any of these habits or our training in any area of FTO is incomplete, we begin to see those pesky little moles cropping up.

Just as the center hub of a bicycle wheel gives stability to the spokes and keeps the wheel round and rolling along, so FTO is the hub of our parenting, supporting the structure of all our training. It is the foundational principle upon which all other aspects of training our children rest. How can we expect to teach them anything effectively if we have not first established our right to speak into their lives? There is no point in giving instruction to a child with an unwilling heart. When the hub of FTO is damaged or missing, the other spokes of training falter and our “wheel” is out of shape and no longer as effective at helping us to reach our goals. Most parents report that getting back to FTO in their homes results in sweeter attitudes and those other behavior issues seem to resolve on their own without much additional effort. Rightly responding to the call to obedience impacts every area in a child’s life.

FTO training is key to getting to the heart of our children. It is the means by which we gain their attention so that we can teach them in the ways of the Lord. To call them to true obedience is to prepare their hearts to submit to the Lord and His call upon their lives. Our goal is to one day see our children transition from obedience to submission, ultimately serving the Lord out of a heart of devotion. When we compartmentalize our training or inconsistently call our children to the standard, we hinder any true or lasting impact. FTO is critical, and we need to see this as the starting point for all instruction.

 

Beth Ann Plumberg is a Contact Mom for Christian Family Heritage. She is wife to Chuck, mom to four grown boys and 3 daughters-in-love and grandma to 3 precious babies. Chuck and Beth Ann are active in their local church discipling young parents and leading classes.

 

8 Jul 2018

When Feelings Get Hurt

by | posted in: Moral Training, Speak Life | 0

A cold look, being ignored or laughed at, or a stuffy “You’re not invited” can be hurtful to anyone.  Relationships are complicated.  I am a math girl.  I think in equations and flowcharts.  If you do this, then the result will be that.  It is very nicely organized and predictable – but it is not very realistic when it comes to relationships!  Just because you smile at someone or are nice to her does not mean that she will be your friend for life.

One of the hardest parenting experiences is when your child’s feelings get hurt.  We spend hours encouraging our little ones to be kind, to say “nice” words, and to respond in love.  And then the other kid crushes his spirit!  Our inner “Mama Bear” can come out in ways we did not expect!  What can we do to mend the little broken heart?

Always start with prayer.  Is this the time to rescue your child from the relationship, or the time to walk alongside her?  I wish there were three easy steps to know which avenue is right, but it never seems to be that simple!  Pray with your spouse or a close friend about what you should do.  Sometimes a hurtful situation is the “red flag” to remove your child from this relationship.  Or this might be the best opportunity to teach your child how to show Christ’s love and how to deepen her dependence on Him.  Usually we parents have been through something similar in our younger years, so we can use that experience and practical wisdom to encourage the wounded heart.  Whichever route we take, hurt feelings give us teachable moments to exercise forgiveness.

Consider the love language factor.  Some children are more prone to getting their feelings hurt than others. For the child whose love language is words of encouragement, words of discouragement cut deeply, even when said in jest.  Sarcasm is not a love language!  This is your opportunity to speak life to your child.  He might need to work on thinking the best about the other child.  Perhaps that child is surrounded with “death words” and does not realize he is being so hurtful.  Remind your child how much you love him!  For a child who feels loved by physical touch and closeness, being left out of an activity or group invitation will hurt her feelings.  Do something special with your child during that scheduled event so she builds family relationships.  Siblings really can be best friends!

Making friends is a big deal.  Introverted children might have two or three “good” friends where an extroverted child has two or three hundred “good” friends!  A slight exaggeration, but introverts take friendship very seriously because it takes energy and effort to get to know someone.  Because of this investment, their friends should respond with lifelong loyalty, right?  Perhaps your child is looking for depth and loyalty in what we would consider a casual friendship.  If a “friend” does not respond with similar loyalty, feelings get hurt.  Let her know the Lord does have a friend out there, just for her, who will be loyal through thick and thin.  In the meantime, practice friendship and forgiveness.

As your children make new friends, gently ask a few questions. 

– What is her new friend’s family like?

– Does he or she like being with his or her parents?

– Does he get along well with his siblings?

If harsh words are allowed among siblings, let your child know he will probably receive harsh words, too!  There is always safety in having new friends come to your house until you find out if this is a friendship you want your child to pursue.

What if YOU are the person who hurt your child’s feelings?  That sinking feeling when you look into your child’s eyes is a memory that is hard to forget.  Again, there is no simple formula to restore the relationship.  Here are some things I did, and some things I wish I had done.

As soon as you realize something is not right,

  • Pray and ask for wisdom.
  • Go to your child and let her know you love her very much and that this relationship is very important to you.
  • Ask her what you did that hurt her feelings.

Sometimes your child’s perception of what was said or done is completely different than yours.  Help her sort out truth (what actually happened) from perception (how she processed the words or events).

Seek forgiveness.  If you sinned against your child (and you will know when you have), ask for forgiveness and call the sin by name.  For older children, remind them that you, too, are working on your character and will sometimes mess up.  Some days, children are more sensitive to our words than other days.  Sometimes our tone comes across more harshly than we intended, and this is our opportunity to ask for forgiveness and pray for the Holy Spirit’s help in using gentle words.  Continue to be a student of your child’s love languages and temperament.  There are situations where it takes years for a child to tell you she was hurt.  One of my favorite passages is Joel 2:25.  The Lord promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten.  Know that He will work all things together for good (Romans 8:28), even when you are not seeing that work being done.

No one enjoys having their feelings hurt.  Even as adults, we would rather everyone love us and love on us!  When your child comes to you with his broken heart in his hands, whisper a prayer for wisdom.  Lovingly embrace him and ask him to share, “What happened?”  Be all there.  Turn your phone off, look into his eyes, and let him know you love him.  Hugs and a sincere “I love you so much!” start the healing process.

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 31 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.

 

 

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