24 Sep 2018

Championing

by | posted in: Family Identity, Heart Training | 0

We have been parents for 25 years.  It is a journey we wanted to be purposeful and intentional in.  We wanted to teach our kids more than just how to “get along,” “be kind,” or “share.” We wanted to have a strong family where we would “champion each other’s strengths.”  To champion is more than just cheering each other on; it is more than just encouraging the good.  It means recognizing weaknesses in ourselves and identifying the strengths in other family members.  It is recognizing that another’s strength is what makes me stronger. It means recognizing that another’s weakness is an opportunity for me to bless them.

To champion another’s strength is a choice rather than a compulsion.  It will require:

  • humility
  • trust
  • a teachable spirit which is open to input from others
  • acceptance that others are at varying degrees of maturity

It’s a willingness to recognize that others have strengths that I don’t have and then choosing to encourage them and push them in their strengths.  What does it look like?  When the kids were young, I could see the extra physical strength my eldest son had, even as young as 5 years old.  In speaking to him, I told him that I was glad he was so strong and I championed his strength by telling him that someday he would be able to help me in my weakness – and he did.  As he grew, he could throw 50 lb. bags of produce around for a couple of hours (a task we regularly perform).  My younger son wasn’t built the same as his older brother and, due to the 5 years between them, for many years could not lift the same.  Yet he heard our perspective and appreciated his brother’s strength.  As he got older, he could eventually do the same task but there was never competition between them.  Instead, he took up the call that together they could help the family.  He is now the one lifting the 50 lb. bags we work with since our oldest is out of the home.

This whole concept of championing each other’s strengths came to our family years ago when Gary Ezzo mentioned in Growing Kids God’s Way that unkind words are often the most overlooked area of parenting.  This was something that we took seriously.  We didn’t want there to be sarcasm for humor, or teasing for laughs, nor did we want the kids to feel defeated in something we knew in time they could accomplish.

My daughter came to me one day in frustration over her handwriting: “I can’t do anything!” I knew better!  “Anything” was not the issue, handwriting was. I asked her who was good at handwriting and she acknowledged quickly that her older sister liked it.  I followed by asking her what her sister struggled with and she recognized it to be math.  “What are you good at?”  ”Math.”     I then shared this thought – You can rejoice that your sister likes writing.  She does a beautiful job with it and gets joy from it the same way you do working with numbers.  In turn your sister can appreciate math because you enjoy it and not because it is fun for her.  The result?

  • Gone was the competition
  • Gone was the incorrect feeling that she wasn’t “measuring up”
  • Gone was any comparison

Instead, each sister could appreciate their sibling’s strengths that complimented their weaknesses.  This is ultimately a benefit because now there is a special way to serve others.  We need the other’s strengths because that is what makes us a strong body as the body of Christ.  If, however, we only acknowledge that another person has different strengths but fail to show them that we find value in those strengths, we fail at championing because we are not recognizing the difference of strengths as something that is to be celebrated. To champion another is to give them the confidence that you are in their corner – they can succeed! You are saying, “Your success is not only dependent on you…I am walking with you.”

As our children have grown older, we continue to see this played out in our family. We see it when two of the teens drive together – one going with the other just so he doesn’t have to drive alone – she’s there to watch and talk.  And we see it in our marriage relationship:  my husband is a natural socializer, where I would rather quietly disappear by myself; He gives me the confidence to socialize.  He is in my corner!

The confidence that comes when you are championing another is that he knows:

  • He can strive for excellence without being able to do everything or feeling like he’s falling short.
  • She can honor others because her honor is not at stake. You will protect it for her.
  • He can show respect with joy because he knows that he will not be degraded or put down for areas where he is lacking.
  • She can rest because she doesn’t have to compete with others; you will help her in the future.

The ripple effects of this go beyond just working together as a family.  When individuals know that others will back them up in their strengths and their weaknesses, and the strengths of others are viewed as assets rather than threats, there is courage to run with what they know and fulfill the greater purposes to which God has called them.  When there are people behind them, they have the greatest confidence to move ahead and trust that not only will God completely back them up and fight for them, but that He has also provided people in their lives to do that.

We need each other as members of a family. God has put us together specifically as a unit.  We can find joy in each other’s successes and strength for our own weaknesses. When we are free to do as Hebrews 10:24-25 encourages – that is, to stir one another to love and good deeds…encouraging one another and building one another up, we have the joy of success built on the strengths of the team.  We are able to fulfill a better picture of God’s design for us when we are able to look beyond ourselves and any preconceived competition and can show support and recognition for the person God created and the ways that they have been gifted for service to the family and the body of Christ at large.

When I champion another’s strength, I will recognize:

  • I have a body I am a part of
  • I have a way to serve
  • I have greater strength due to the strength of another
  • I have a perspective greater than my own personhood
  • I can minimize fear of failure or comparison to others
  • I can fulfill God’s commands of ‘otherness’
  • I can build up and encourage
  • I can give and receive God’s affirmation for a perfect design
  • I will see the potential of the future
  • I will speak life-giving words

 

Jody is a follower of Christ, a wife, mother of five and grandmother to a sweet (almost) one-year-old.  She has been married to Michael for 28 years.  They have lived in southern Texas for 18 years.  Four of her five children have graduated from high school (homeschool) so she is exploring what her ‘new normal’ will include.

 

19 Sep 2018

Four Levels of Friendship

by | posted in: Friends, Moral Training | 0

Today’s world is saturated with social media and people are sharing information in a public way that used to be reserved for trusted friends.  We taught our children about four levels of friendship and what was appropriate to share at each level. Friendships develop with time, shared experiences, and trust being built.  Friendships progress from the acquaintance level to casual friends to close friends, and some relationships go on to be intimate.   Do your children know what is appropriate to share in a public forum vs. what should only be shared in private conversations with close friends?

Acquaintances:  At the acquaintance level, two people recognize each other and greet one another in public.  They know the other person’s name and have a sense, “I know you from some place and time.”  Their conversations are limited to public information.  They ask appropriate questions that reflect interest and acceptance.  They listen to responses and remind themselves of the interest God has for the other.  Because of this last item, conversation, whether in person or about that person, should be life-giving and focused on the positive.

Casual friends:  As they ask appropriate questions regarding each other’s interests and share some common activities and experiences, the relationship moves to a casual friendship.  This is a good time to discover each other’s strengths, to learn about their hopes and dreams, to be honest about faults, and to show interest in the other person’s problems.

Close friends:  Casual friendships grow to close friendships as friends spend more time together in mutually enjoyed activities.  They are a part of each other’s lives and know more about one another’s goals, trials, and dreams.  They look for ways to discover, discuss, and help develop these goals.  These friends are alert to Scripture that would encourage or guide one another, and they share it.  These friends probably have similar personal standards that have been revealed with time and shared experiences.  It is interesting to note that with children, close friendships mean spending time together.  When someone moves away or becomes more involved in activities your child is not involved in, the closeness may not be sustained.  We had a goal in our family that siblings would be close friends.  Today as adults, they are close friends and have enlarged that circle to include their spouses.

Intimate friends:  The last friendship level is the intimate friendship.  Generally, we don’t have many friends at this deeper level which is characterized by shared secrets.  Here we give comfort in trials and sorrows, assume personal responsibility for the other’s reputation, and are sensitive to character issues and discretely share them with possible solutions.  The friendship is two-way in this sharing and is committed to faithfulness, loyalty, and availability.  Usually this friendship has been strengthened with trust and longevity.  Jesus had three intimate friends:  Peter, James, and John.  Together they experienced things that were beyond what the close friends shared (the other disciples, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus).  This is the type of friendship we set before our children to desire in marriage.

Just as there are appropriate things to discuss at each friendship level, there are also topics and behaviors that should be limited until the friendship progresses to a deeper level.  For instance, acquaintance friends don’t ask nosy questions about situations that they are not a part of.  Casual friends meet in public places, or in groups if they are of the opposite gender.  By the time close friendships develop, there is probably a sense of spiritually equal yokes.  Just because a friendship is at a casual level, does not mean that it can’t develop into a closer or intimate friendship, but friends are still exploring common interests, goals, spiritual ground, and standards.  We encouraged our children to keep casual friendships public as a protection for both people.  In a public setting, we are often more careful about what we share and guard personal and private information.  The group also helps conversations stay appropriate.  For young children, this means having doors open and playing in family areas so that parents can walk by and observe the activities and conversations.

We had conversations with our preschool and grade school age children about what constitutes public information and what should not be shared.  Some of those, “Don’t share outside our family” conversations included: 

  • how much money we have
  • whether they are home alone
  • if, when, and how a sibling is receiving correction
  • someone else’s surprise news

Unless you have these conversations with your children, you may find your private family information shared publicly and prematurely to your embarrassment, shame, or harm.

In an age where social media friendships continue to captivate and possibly squander people’s time, some boundaries might be helpful in this area too.  Social media is open to acquaintances and casual friends as well as closer friends, but it is a public conversation without the protection that “the group” provides in person.  The broader circle guides what we share.  Do you monitor your posts and conversations, and teach your children to share, based on Philippians 4:8: whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy?  Ephesians 4:29 also directs us to use self-control with all unwholesome talk, and instead focus only on what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Unless we discuss these things with our children, and hold ourselves to the Biblical standard, the culture is more than willing to train our children in ways that are less than these.

Enjoy the people your encounter on the journey of life.  No matter what level of friendship you find yourself in with someone, the qualities of love, patience, and kindness are always profitable and life-giving.

 

 

After 25 years of homeschooling, Beth Blunk is adjusting to the empty nest years, having launched six children into their adult years.  She is wife to newly retired husband, Ed, which offers another transition and the ability to plan fun adventures to see the grandchildren (seven and counting), as well as the ministry of encouragement to young couples and families.  Making memories with her own growing extended family is a priority.  She enjoys flower gardening and mentoring other young wives and mothers.
14 Sep 2018

The Preciousness of Others

by | posted in: Moral Training, Training | 0

 

Cigarette butts left on my front porch.  Dirty dishes left for someone else.  A rude driver on the road.  Words spoken in a disrespectful tone.  Pouting because of being unexpectedly interrupted.  Making ugly assumptions about someone else’s decision.  Failing to arrive on time to an appointment.  These are all examples I witnessed this past week of people being selfish and not considering the preciousness of other people.  In fact, in some of the examples listed, I was the guilty party.  And, no, I did not leave cigarette butts on my porch.  Hahaha

 

What do these actions have to do with parenting?  Let me answer that question with a question:  How did your child learn to speak?  You had to teach him.  You may think you did not teach your child to speak and you are partially correct.  You did not knowingly, proactively teach your child to talk in the same way you knowingly, proactively taught him to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at the appropriate time.  You taught him to speak without knowing you were doing it.  Without trying to do it.  You taught him to speak just by being you.  Just by talking yourself.  He observed you speaking.  He heard you talking.  Now, he can speak and he probably shares your accent, your slang, and your mannerisms. [Insert a piece of freebie advice:  Oh be careful little tongue what you say.  He will repeat it.] We teach our children many things, whether intentionally or not.  The value of other people will also be taught to our children, whether intentionally or not.

 

How to teach your children that other people matter:

 

  1. Clean up after yourself. Do not leave messes or trash for other people to pick up. This is true in your home, in other people’s homes, and out in public.  Some of us are germaphobes!

 

  1. Do not assume someone else in the house will take care of the necessary chores. If chores need to be done, just do them, even if it is not your responsibility.  Fun fact:  We have friends whose young son does not have hands or arms, and he still does the dishes!

 

  1. Be courteous behind the wheel. Do not be a jerk to other people while driving. What good does it do to become so worked up about something you cannot change?  Side note: if you have read a few of my blogs, this driving thing seems to make a frequent appearance.  I may or may not struggle with being annoyed by rude drivers.

 

  1. Recognize interruptions as opportunities to serve. Do not pout about your schedule being interrupted and being unable to finish your planned event because someone else needed your help. While helping another person is considering the preciousness of others, complaining about it after the fact is not.  God loves a cheerful giver is the theme here.

 

  1. Do not be rude and insulting when you disagree with another. People are going to make decisions that make absolutely no sense to you.  Does that change if you decide to be ugly about it? Trust me on this one.  I have done the leg work for you, and I can say the result is looking like a jerk in the end.

 

  1. Be on time. Do not be late. If you are expected to be some place at a specific time, you should not consistently arrive late.  Showing up late to an appointment is the same as saying, “I know I’m late, but what I was doing that kept me from arriving on time is more important than you.”  Time management.  It’s a thing.  And it’s a thing at which I am horrible.  Just keeping it real.  Victory can happen though.  My Cubbies finally won the World Series again after 108 years!  Someday I will consistently be on time.  There’s always next year…

 

I could go on and on with a list of things not to do in order to consider others more important than yourself.  However, I am pretty sure you are capable of continuing such a list on your own.  In fact, I really did not want to give you a list at all, because those of us who are list makers tend to think that is all we have to do.  If the item is on the list, we find it important.  If the item is not on the list, we find it unimportant.  My Fellow List Makers, listen very closely:  The preciousness of others will never be found on a list of do’s and don’ts.  Considering the value of other people in your words, your attitudes, and your actions must come from your heart.  It must come from a belief that you are not better than the other people in your life, whether they be family, friend, stranger, or foe.  That goes for all of you wild and crazy non-list makers as well.  Though we list makers are pretty great…just sayin’.

 

Did you notice that the above list said it was how to teach your children that other people matter?  Did you notice as you read the list that most of those suggestions applied to you, Mom and Dad?  Just as you unintentionally taught your child to speak, you will unintentionally teach your child how valuable you regard other human beings.  In choosing to consider others more important than yourself, and demonstrating that in your words, your tone, your attitudes, and your actions, you will unintentionally teach your children that other people matter.

 

I would be failing you, as the reader of this blog, if I left you with only a partial list of how to unintentionally teach your child to be nice to other people. Just watching other people be kind to others is not going to make you or your child become the kind of person that considers others before himself.  Intentionality must also take place.

 

Remember what I said about the need to avoid a list of how to be nice and cultivate a heart attitude instead?  This is your job, Parents.  You must cultivate a heart attitude that is others-focused in your child.  This the hard part of parenting.  This is the part where we have to get our hands dirty and use our brains and muscles and be intentional.  Just as you had to intentionally teach your child to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, you will have to intentionally teach your child to think of others.

 

Rather than give you a list of intentional ways to teach your child, I will give you this one little phrase:  the moral reason why.  Every time you demonstrate kindness to others, tell your child why you did it.  This is not about glorifying your actions.  It is about explaining your motive.  Hopefully it was a virtuous motive and not just a need to stroke your ego.  That is a topic for another blog.  The moral reason why should be used by you all day long, every single day.

 

Let’s apply sharing the moral reason why to the above list.  When your child needs to throw away his trash, tell him why he should do that.  When your child has chores to do, tell him why it is important to complete them.  When your child asks you why you did not get mad and yell at the rude driver in front of you, tell him why.  When your child is told to help another even though it interrupts his own play or work, tell him why it was important to help.  When your child argues or disagrees with a friend or sibling, tell him why he needs to forgive and seek forgiveness.  When your child does not return home when he was told, tell him why timeliness matters.  Giving the child the moral reason why intentionally trains his heart attitude, which is the key to learning to consider the preciousness of others.

 

Other people matter. Show your child other people matter.  Tell your child why other people matter. It really is that simple.  Oh, and could one of you suggest to my neighbor that left his cigarette butts on my porch to consider bringing an ashtray along next time?  Thank you.

 

 

Tricia McDonald is the wife of SGM(ret) McDonald and four adult children.  She is learning to adjust to civilian life now that her husband has retired.  She is also learning to adjust to life without homeschooling, as all of her children have graduated.  Tricia volunteers her time teaching U.S. History to local homeschooled high schoolers, and coordinating music for a local semi-professional youth theatre.  She enjoys blogging from time and time and is trying to figure out what she should be when she grows up.  She wants to encourage all the young moms to hang in there and enjoy the moments, as they will pass far more quickly than you ever thought possible.

 

9 Sep 2018

Fun Days!

by | posted in: Routine | 0

Structure is a beautiful thing.  Your children know what to expect and when to expect it.  Being a very orderly person, I enjoy knowing what comes next in our routine.  But what about the days that fall apart or just go in a different direction than you anticipated?  Or what if you need a break from the norm?  Then what???  Make it a Fun Day!

Here are some Fun Day ideas:

Pioneer Day – When the electricity goes out, pull out the “What would Laura Ingalls do?” list.  Snowstorms in our rural community allowed us to have several of these unplanned days!  Light candles, read books (no tech!), and play simple games.  In our home, we planned a few of these days, even when we had electricity, and the girls dressed up as “Laura.”

Kingeth Jameseth Day – Have a medieval day where you add “eth” to all your words.  In ten minutes or less, you’ll be rolling on the floor laughing!  Some words are just hilarious with “eth” added!  Thiseth willeth maketh youeth sloweth downeth howeth fasteth youeth talketh.  Youeth willeth smileeth aeth loteth!

Dr. Seuss Day – This is a fun day to do on March 2nd, Dr. Seuss’ birthday.  Make up rhymes!  Read Dr. Seuss books!  Call each of the children by their birth order – Thing 1, Thing 2, Thing 3.  Read through The Cat in the Hat and set aside some time to clean house, just like they do in the book.  (Psst:  You get to sneak in a little housekeeping with this fun day!)  If you attended the 2018 GFI National Conference, ask your children to tell about some of their favorite memories!  ?

Baking Day – Pull out the recipe books!  Is there something you want to cook or bake but never seem to get around to it?  This isn’t a spontaneous day because you’ll need to have the ingredients handy, but what a fun way to spend time together in the kitchen.  The family that bakes together, laughs together… or something like that.

Jammies Day – This is a fun one to spring on your children when they get up!  You have to watch a movie and eat popcorn on this day – it’s some sort of a “given” when you wear your jammies all day.  ?

Fun with Friends Day – This can be planned or spontaneous.  How can you bless a friend?  Have her kiddos over so she has a couple hours at home alone!  She might return the favor, too!

International Day – Does your family pray for a missionary family overseas?  Eat foods common to their culture.  Play a game that’s popular in their country.  In our home, we had “rice day” where we ate rice and prayed for our Compassion International child.  A dear friend told about a mom who used “rice day” to teach her children to be thankful for whatever was set before them.  Later on, when that family wanted to go to the mission field, their children were tested in this way.  The children passed with flying colors!

Anne of Green Gables Day – This is kind of like “Pioneer Day,” but with a Canadian twist.  Watch the movie or read part of one of the books.  Braid hair.  Make one of the recipes from the Anne series of books.  Instead of saying, “Okay?” at the end of your sentence, go with, “Eh?”

Narnia Day – This one is especially fun to do around C.S. Lewis’ birthday (November 29).  Live in Narnia for a day.  Have your children imagine what their animals are saying.  Be kings and queens!  By all means, fix Turkish Delights!

Redwall Day – This medieval series by Brian Jacques has animals as the main characters and an abundance of feasts.  Dress up as princes and princesses and adorn your table with all sorts of treats.  Several of the books are available on audio, so enjoy some popcorn while you listen!

Fun Days can be as creative as you want them to be.  Having a food theme keeps everyone interested.  These days can be budget-friendly too – just use props and games you already have around the house.  The basic ingredient is imagination – yours and your child’s.  Make some great memories by having a Fun Day!

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 31 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.

 

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