16 Oct 2018

Helping Out Around the Home Develops Character

by | posted in: Heart Training | 0

 

Our children are born with the desire to do things on their own.  A toddler will, when learning to eat on his own, often express “Me do it!”  We have learned that there is wisdom in teaching certain tasks and skills at certain ages. Often times, though, as mothers we can fall into a trap.  It takes more work and more stress to teach our children to work around the home than it does in the beginning to just do it ourselves.  I will confess that there is many an evening that I will work myself into a pile of nothing and then look back and say “I wish I had some help!” Each child should be a helper in the home; our children learn to appreciate so much more in life if they learn to work around the home.

Don’t pay your children to help out in the home.  It came as a big revelation to me when I heard the Ezzo’s share at a conference about the negative impact our children receive when we pay them to help around the home.  Part of living under one roof means that we all work together.  A child should not get paid for helping out.  Do you receive an allowance for scrubbing the floors, ironing the clothing, or preparing meals?  No, so why start expectations for our children when this is not the way life is.  Family unity means that we all work together.  Cultivating gratitude starts by working around the home together and then being grateful for the help and for a home that needs to be cleaned.

 

So what chores can your children do to help around the home?  It varies by age and maturity but here are some suggestions:

 

A child at 3 should be able to:  

make his own bed

help set the table

put her clothing in the hamper

help clear the table

pick up his toys

 

A child at 4 should be able to:

shake out area rugs

empty wastebaskets

help empty the dishwasher

help bring in the groceries

 

A child at 5 should be able to:

put away clean clothing

feed and take care of pets

get mail (if the mailbox is in a safe place)

dust

 

A child at 6 should be able to:

organize their own drawers and closets

wash & dry dishes by hand

spot clean walls

rake leaves

bring in firewood

make a simple breakfast (cereal)

make a simple lunch (sandwich)

clean mirrors

 

A child at 7 should be able to:

vacuum

clean pet cages

use a broom and dustpan

sweep porches, decks, & driveways

prepare a simple recipe

water outside plants, flowers, and garden

weed flower beds and garden

 

A child at 8 should be able to:

fold clothes neatly without wrinkles

iron flat items

strip and remake beds with clean sheets

clean the interior of a car

water house plants

clean bathroom sink, toilet, tub

set the table correctly

mop the floor

 

Character is never developed in a vacuum.  You cannot build endurance, perseverance, or become a hard worker if you have nothing to do.  You cannot develop kindness if you do not know what it is or how and when it is to be shown.  It is only through the convicting work of the Holy Spirit, the practical application of biblical principles, and the patient training of parents that good character will begin to evolve.   And as parents, you will have the joy of seeing it happen right in your home in an atmosphere of encouragement, enthusiasm, and love as you give your children the opportunity to help around the house.

 

From the Christian Family Heritage vault.  Original author unknown.  Information used in the this blog from the What Every Child Should Know Along the Way book, available through Christian Family Heritage.
10 Oct 2018

Finding Your Family’s Purpose

by | posted in: Family Identity | 0

At any given moment, our house is filled with a din of giggles, squeals, thumps, and babbling. It’s hard to imagine, but in just a couple of decades or so, the nest will be empty again. And when it is, we will either find ourselves overwhelmed with emptiness as we clamber to hold onto a shred from the vanishing past, or we will be fulfilled, rejoicing in a mission accomplished (and overwhelmed with occasional emptiness). If we can somehow look beyond the temporal experience of raising kids, we can discover a deeper purpose behind the fading joys of parenting. Children last but for a season. A purpose can last for eternity.

Almost everybody has a general idea of where they are going in life. Few, however, have gone to the next step of developing a purpose statement for themselves and their families. Even fewer still have established clear goals that guide their families day to day.

In determining your direction in life, it is essential to understand the difference between the following three basic terms:

VISION: In general, what burden has God given you regarding the state of the world? What conditions are most likely to reach you at the emotional level? When you envision the world as it could be, how does that picture differ from reality? This is your vision.

PURPOSE: More refined, how do you envision God using you to move things in the direction of your vision? Why has He given you this place in history and equipped you with your resources, talents, and connection? (Read Esther 4:14b) What role is your family to play in His divine plan? This is your purpose.

GOALS: Specifically, what steps would God have you take to pursue your purpose? There are your goals.

Have you ever truly sought God, as a husband and wife, and searched your hearts to find what is important for you and your children? Once you actually do this, God will pour out wisdom for your family in the form of a vision concerning your family’s purpose, and even more specifically, your family’s goals. Then you can begin to evaluate whether your personal and family activities work with or against your family’s purpose. It is much easier to decide what to include in your schedule (and what to remove!) when you know your family’s purpose.

These days, there’s no end to the forces that compete for our time, money, and energy. Every time you turn around, new activities are begging for a piece of you. Sunday school, neighborhood association, PTA, tennis team, soccer team, piano lessons, play group, symphony, ESPN, great novels… the list is endless. They want your time, your money, your energy…your life. And they will take as much as you are willing to give.

All claim to enhance your life in legitimate ways. And yet, they can bring subtle confusion and destruction to life if not governed by some outside force…a vision…a purpose…goals!

Ironically, the things that seem to hold the greatest potential rewards for our families also pose the biggest threats. There are many great opportunities for family enrichment, but if we don’t plan wisely, we plan for our own ruin.

Psalm 127:1 says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it.” The suggestion is that no matter how constructive our intentions, the effort is wasted unless each of our activities contributes to a driving purpose. Before we sign up for anything, we need to seek God’s face for His plan and purpose for our lives, and the collective life of our family. Once we have a picture of what He’s up to in our family, then we can select activities that fit our family’s unique purpose. Even the most demanding activities can be fulfilled if they serve a purpose.

So, how can you find your family’s purpose?

First, pray that God will cause you to love him with pure love…that you will “be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-21)…that you will be concerned with what concerns God. Allow God to convict your hearts. Pray for a preoccupation with the things of eternity and the person of heaven – Jesus! As God reveals His character, He will reveal how He chooses to reflect it through us. God wants to enable us! He wants us to bring glory to Christ and His righteousness. As we more and more grasp God’s big picture perspective, we are motivated to be “imitators of God.” As “dearly loved children,” we will want to “be like Daddy” and please our heavenly father (Ephesians 5:10).

Second, listen! Get away for a weekend together…or at least get a babysitter for the evening. Tell God that you want to discover His purposes for your family. Ask Him to reveal any part of His plan that you need to be pursuing intentionally. Tell Him that you trust Him to use you even if He doesn’t make all of His plans known at this time. Then keep looking for His clear direction. God has a plan known at this time.  God has a standard in His word for every area of our lives. Seek Him with your whole heart.

Third, get to work! Take out pen and paper, and as God impresses on you a divine plan for your family, set goals accordingly. Start a family calendar to regulate your activities and record your goals. Be reasonable and pray for guidance about area(s) with which to begin and whether gradual or radical change is necessary. And above all, don’t stop listening now. God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, but the dialogue didn’t stop there. Look for God to modify the plan as you go. Whatever the goal, act with your faith in God, and trust Him to bear fruit in your lives. Depend on His faithfulness.

Remember, this is not a plan for life, get organized, control your destiny kind of scheme. No! This requires dependence on God and will result in spiritual growth. The whole purpose of intentional living is to know God and have a relationship with Him. God wants to interact with us in our daily lives. God is in control of all things and He has the freedom to refine our vision as we remain surrendered and listening for His marching orders.

 

This blog posted from the Christian Family Heritage vault.  Originally written by Ben & Lisa Ortlip and published in a previous Along the Way newsletter.

 

4 Oct 2018

Consequences – A Tough Nut to Crack!

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training, Parenting from The Tree of Life | 0

 

Parents can count on this… our children will require correction.  Correction often involves the need to administer consequences.  Have you heard the expression “that’s a tough nut to crack”?  Determining appropriate consequences in the correction process that will make changes in both the present and the future in the lives of our children is one of those hard ‘nuts to crack’!  Instead of allowing this dilemma to paralyze your parenting, persist through the process to crack open rewards that will far exceed your efforts.  Determine a course of action that will:

  • motivate the child to amend the behavior
  • guide the child to change direction
  • prepare the child not to repeat his folly
  • inspire the child how to make application to other areas of life

Consequences can be a powerful educator; they are a natural or artificial form of ‘pain’ that should prompt change.  Pain calls attention to a condition that desperately needs examination. The pain of consequences warns the child that something is not right; it helps the child focus and gain control over a particular moral weakness. When consequences are put in place with intention and logic, they can have a restorative purpose.  With those particularly hard ‘nuts to crack’, it is critical to apply consequences that will expose the issue of the heart, endure past the present misdeed, and move toward restoring relationships.

 

Natural Organic Consequences

There are times that consequences for wrong actions take a natural form.  In these instances, parents do not need to create consequences or enforce the ramifications of a child’s poor choice because the negative effect happens organically.  Examples include:

  • Parents instruct a child to walk, not run; the child disregards safety instructions then falls and skins his knee. The pain of the fall is a natural and adequate consequence.
  • The child does not finish dinner in a timely manner; the necessary daylight to play outside that evening is naturally lost.
  • A child fails to turn in her homework on time; the lower grade received is a natural consequence (neither the parents nor the child should appeal to the teacher for amnesty).

When a consequence occurs naturally, it’s usually not necessary to administer any additional consequences.  Parents may express sympathy for their child’s plight and have a follow-up conversation with the child about the lessons that should be learned from this natural consequence.

 

Related Associated Consequences

Common sense tells us that not all bad acts deserve the same consequences.  We should make the punishment fit the crime rather than come up with a random consequence that is unconnected to the offense.  Sometimes logical, reasonable, and related consequences are straightforward.  Parents observe and investigate to find the reason for the child’s disobedience or irresponsibility and are then able to structure connected consequences.  Consider these examples:

  • A child lollygags through her bedtime routine; the privilege of reading a bedtime story is forfeited for that night.
  • A child is engrossed in playing video games so he does not complete his chores; the video game privilege would be removed until the child characteristically demonstrates responsibility.
  • A child is on her phone at the wrong time or place, hindering obedience and responsibility; the phone is removed.

You get the picture.  Once you find out what is hindering your child to come to the standard you have put in place and you consistently apply meaningful consequences by removing privileges, you’re on the road to effective heart-training.

 

Penetrating Inquiry

Sometimes finding a relevant and associated consequence is challenging.  Without a doubt, action is needed so the child will gain self-control over a particular moral weakness, but parental paralysis can set in.  This can be a ‘tough nut to crack’.  In our home it was at these times that we had to nearly stop life.  Literally, we would stop the child by having the child sit in his/her room to contemplate his actions while answering some heart-probing questions.

  • What did you do (or not do)?
  • Why did you choose to go down this path?
  • What could you have done for a better outcome?
  • Who has been affected by this situation?
  • How do you intend to make things right?

Asking carefully worded questions probes the heart of the matter and simultaneously the heart of the child.  The point of this questioning is to take the child back to the point of decision — when the wrong choice was made.  The questions cause a child to dig deep into his/her heart and confront his own sin, admit wrongdoing and consider what choice could have been made and can be made in the future.  Ideally, the offending child will reconcile the pride in his heart ending in a desire to repair relationships with those affected by the poor behavior.

 

Parental Probe

While the child considers the questions previously mentioned, parents should take time to contemplate:

  • Have I provided age-appropriate instruction to this child regarding this issue? Does this child know the right thing to do?
  • Does this child have this or similar issues frequently; does this behavior characterize this child?
  • What may be going on behind the scenes that might have factored into this behavior?
  • What would have motivated this child to this action?

Parental reflection may expose training deficiencies.  Resolve to improve and make any necessary apologies – which will speak volumes to the child.  Motive isn’t always obvious to parents but it likely is to the child.  Kids know their own hearts, but are often reluctant to admit any wrongdoing or sinful actions.

 

Time and Space

Giving the child time and space to examine the internal motive will allow the child to ‘surrender with dignity’.  Additionally, time and space can allow the Spirit opportunity to work in the child’s heart. True repentance leading to reconciliation and restoration is more beneficial when the child self-examines to recognize his wrongdoing.  When the child concedes, and sin is brought into the light, parents can help the child overcome sinful choices.  Be willing to allow the child whatever time is needed for surrender; do not be surprised at the length of time it may take to bring this to completion.

Discovering the motive will guide the next steps.  Recognizing the vice that has a hold on your child and agreeing with the child this character trait needs attention is important.  Finding ways to elevate the opposing virtue will begin to positively impact the heart of the child.  Consequences should be employed that are logical, related, and focused on the motive behind the child’s poor actions.  Also, be sure to ask God for wisdom – He gives it freely to those who ask.

Sincere parents want their children to learn from their mistakes and misdeeds.  Effective consequences can lead to effective outcomes.  Parents who are consistent and diligent to persevere through the process will reap the rewards of a well-balanced child who understands the impact of his behavior.

Nuts are hard to crack, but they can be opened and enjoyed.   Crack open effective consequences that will ultimately reveal and affirm precious treasure deep within your child’s heart.

 

 

Karen Kurtz is a mom of 4 Babywise/Prep for Parenting babies.  All of them slept through the night as prescribed in the Ezzo’s parenting books.  As a Contact Mom, Karen enjoys helping other parents train their babies and children.  Karen and her husband Don, make their home in NE Ohio and all four babies are now young adults.

 

 

 

29 Sep 2018

Creating a Life-Giving Home Environment

by | posted in: Protecting the Innocence of Childhood | 0

Families today are surrounded by a culture of condemnation, judgment and death. It is a moral climate in which vice is celebrated above virtue and deceit above honesty, and self-interest reigns over the needs of others. Today’s children are growing up in this type of world and that condition begs the question:

 How can a mother and father create a life-giving home environment while living in a culture that is saturated with death thoughts?

 

A life-giving home environment reflects an intentional lifestyle, cultivated by parents whose training is guided by the life-giving character of God, while avoiding language, attitudes, and behaviors that are contrary to His character. One might read this definition and conclude that it is an easily achievable task. We wish it were that easy. We can assure you it is not!

Creating and sustaining a life-giving home environment is not something one adds to their everyday parenting, like seasoning is added to a recipe. Rather, it is cultivated from thoughts that guide a range of choices.

The Way of Life

For those committed to a God-centered ideal, no truth carries greater value than the declarative phrase, “In the beginning, God created” (Genesis 1:1a). Life exists because God exists, for He is the source of all life.

Yet, while life is everywhere, so also is the influence of death. Here, we are not speaking of the physical death that comes at the end of life, but rather the prevailing influence flowing out from a culture of death that permeates the world’s system of thought. The sounds and images of death are all around us. They saturate the airwaves. We read them in the media, hear them in our schools and around the neighborhood, and sometimes they even take up residence in our churches. This “life versus death” tension has been around from the beginning of time and will continue until the end of time. The good news is that parents can protect their children, if they, themselves, become conversant with life-giving virtue.

Expressions of Life and Death

Life and death messages are expressed correspondingly through virtue and vice. The character of God reflects total virtue, and virtue carries the DNA of Life—God’s life. Virtuous words communicate worth and potential; they promote beauty and life, because they connect back to the source of life. When we accent virtue in thought, deed, and speech, we are propagating the life message.

There is no vice in God; and true Christ-followers are under no condemnation (see Romans 8:1). Vice words and self-condemning thoughts flow out of the culture of death. They are common words and patterns of thinking that speak to failure, corruption, false judgment, and defeat. They are accusatory words and speak of a person as they are, and not what they can be.

When parents draw their thought lives and vocabulary from the culture of death, they are reinforcing in the mind of the child the validity of the death icons. So instead of pointing children in the direction of life, where children come under the umbrella of God’s protection, parents unintentionally shackle their children to the culture of death.

How often do we, as parents, say to our children in times of correction: “You’re so mean to your sister.” “Stop being so jealous.” “That was a dumb thing to do.” “Don’t lie to Mommy.” Those corrective words and concepts flow out of the culture of death. In contrast, life-giving correction reflects the sounds of virtue: “You need to show more kindness to your sister.” “You can learn contentment.” “That was unwise.” “Tell Mommy the truth.” Note the difference. Death words leave children right where you find them, but life words point children to where you want them to go, and what you want them to achieve. Virtue is what you want your children to become conversant with and they will if you, as a parent, accent life-giving virtue in speech, tone, and action.

Be warned. The more the death message is heard, the more it is validated. The more it is validated, the greater are its influences on a child’s thought life. The child who is conversant with the language of death is more susceptible to influences outside of his/her home life. As a result, the child begins to identify with the symbols that reflect the death culture. The death culture becomes the dominant influence. A child’s thought life, actions, and responses are then swayed by the persuasive forces found within the death culture.

Parents, by intent or by neglect, for better or worse, are the greatest influence in shaping a child’s future.  Nothing is more persuasive and long-lasting as the impressions gained or lost within the context of the home.  That is because children tend to reflect the priorities and values of their home life.  What is important to Mom and Dad will become important to their children, and will influence what each child becomes in the future.  Don’t let the death culture be the dominant influence in your family.  Instead, choose to cultivate and sustain a life-giving environment each day in your home.

 

Excerpt taken from Protecting the Innocence of Childhood by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.

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