27 Feb 2019

Five Fingers of Obedience

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training | 0

The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”  As parents, we know we need to teach our children to obey – but how do we do that?  One training tool that can help you instruct your children in obedience is the Five Fingers of Obedience.  https://christianfamilyheritage.org/printables/

 

Obedience training looks different as our children grow older.  Here are some tips, depending on where you are in the process.

 

  • Two years-Preschool: The 5 Finger of Obedience provides a way to concretely instruct your child in the principles of obedience, including:
  • Responding
  • Obeying immediately
  • Obeying completely
  • Obeying without complaint
  • Obeying without challenge

You can be assured that your child understands what obedience is by helping him to memorize the Five Fingers of Obedience.  Make sure you are consistently applying these principles both during times of non-conflict and times of correction.  As parents, you can quickly discern disobedience in relation to direct instructions by rehearsing the Five Fingers in your mind.  This, in turn, helps you to maintain consistency in your correction and other areas of training. Remember that in the life of the very young child, children obey out of duty and parents lead by their authority.

 

  • Grade School Age: If you have faithfully been applying the principles of biblical obedience and your child is characterized by those principles, you can begin to use the Five Fingers of Obedience as an assessment tool. Prayerfully evaluate where your child is in relationship to each of the five points. What are his current areas of weakness and strength? Decide together with your husband how you will help the child to grow in strength in all five areas. You may even want to take your child out on a ‘date’ to talk about this. Have your child memorize the applicable Scriptures so that he can set goals for strengthening areas of weakness. Here are some Scriptures for each of the five areas:
  • Responds “Yes Mommy.” This shows honor. Ex. 20:12 and Eph 6:1
  • Obeys immediately. This shows love. Eph 5:1-2
  • Obeys completely. This shows faithfulness. Col. 3:23
  • Obeys without complaint. This shows cheerfulness and contentment. Phil 2:14
  • Obeys without challenge. This show humility. Prov. 10:8 and Phil. 2:4.

Once your child is characterized by the Five Principles of Obedience, you can instruct your child in   transitioning from obedience out of duty to obedience from a heart bent on serving.

  • Middle Years: The child in this age range is transitioning from being led by parental authority to being influenced based on the strength of his relationship with his parents. He is moving from obeying out of duty to obeying out of a heart of devotion.  Continue to point your child to biblical principle for each of the 5 areas of obedience.

            1) Respond. This shows itself through honor (Ex 20:12).

2) Obey immediately. This reflects a heart of love (Eph 5:1,2).

3) Obey completely. This reflects a trustworthy heart of faithfulness (Prov. 28:13, Prov 10:9).

4) Obey without complaint. This reflects a heart of contentment and cheerfulness (Prov. 10:8, Prov 10:19).

5) Obey without challenge. This reflects a heart of humility (Prov 15:28, 13:10, 20:3).

  • Teen Years: At this point in time, you are your teen’s coach.  Your goal should be that your teen continues to submit out of the goodness of your relationship with him/her, not on the basis of your authority.  You can use the following five points in giving spiritual counsel to your teen and encourage your teens to make them their own.

            1) Courteous speech. A self-generated response (1Peter 2:17, Eph 6:1-3, Ex 20:12).

2) Loving service to the family and others. This is shown by promptness (Gal 5:13c, Eph 5:1,2, Col 3:23, 24b, Prov 21:21).

3) Faithful service. This is shown by someone who does what he/she is told completely (Prov 3:3, 20:6, 25:13, 19).

4) Cheerful service. This is shown by doing a task without complaining (Prov 10:8, 15:28, 10:19, 21:23).

5) Humble service. This is shown by doing a task without challenge (Prov 8:13, 13:10, 18:12, 20:3).

 

 

The five fingers of obedience can be a helpful tool to you, regardless of where you are in your parenting journey.

 

 

Randy and Kathy Loewen have been married for 36 years.  They live in Aurora, IL.  They have 4 adult children, 2 daughter-in-loves and 6 grandchildren.  Kathy has been involved in the GEMS Naperville, IL ministry for 20 years.  The Five Fingers of Obedience tools are just one of many tools that they have developed over the years.
19 Feb 2019

Tidying Up – the Unexpected Benefits of Structure and Routine

by | posted in: Routine, Structure, Training | 1

As a Contact Mom, I often tout the advantages that structure and routine can bring to one’s day, both for parents and children alike. And while I often share this with my words, it probably hasn’t inspired hordes of people to change. I’ve often struggled to find a way to paint a picture that really shows moms the benefit of a routine and that motivates them to lasting change.

 

I am currently in a season of downsizing my home. In an effort to pick up some tips, I started watching a television show about tidying your home and I was inspired afresh on the benefits of structure and routine. There are many advantages to bringing order into your family life, beyond just having an organized closet. As you read these, perhaps you will be inspired too.

 

  • Order brings peace. As the adults in a home work to sort out and organize their things, there is a calming effect – not just on Mom and Dad but on the children, too. Children actually appear to have more self-control once a home is in order! Maybe part of this is that the adults in their world are no longer stressed out, or maybe it’s because they are able to pay closer attention to the kids. Yet, I can’t help but think that the orderly environment effects them directly too. As image-bearers of an orderly and creative God, I think we are wired this way. This peaceful result is universally expressed regardless of age, season of life, social/cultural background, or worldview and speaks to the fact that on a basic level as humans we crave and thrive in order.

 

  • Structure brings freedom. That statement on its surface may seem self-contradictory but bringing order into a home gives you more time. Because there is a plan or a system for getting the necessary things done, there is more time to do the things that bring us joy like reading to or playing with the kids, dating your spouse, or simply having a conversation as a couple. In the same way that decluttering our homes of physical stuff gives us a sense of freedom, decluttering our lives and structuring our time can do the same. We’ve all had the experience of driving home and not remembering the trip when we got there. This happens because our brains go on autopilot for the task of driving and are freed to think on other things while we drive. Structure in our homes and routines can do the same thing. Things get done more efficiently because we don’t have to stop and think about what to do next. We form patterns and habits that free our minds to focus on other important things while we do them.

 

  • What doing life with kids can look like. Parents can engage the kids in the process and teach them the things they are learning. When organizing your home, parents can teach their kids how to fold clothes and tidy up. When a mom is going through her pile of clothes, she can have her daughter “help” her decide what to keep. When she goes through the things in the bathroom, she can give her daughter a fun activity to do nearby and chat with her while she is working. This will help keep the child from mischief elsewhere and keep her connected to Mom. Parents are teaching their kids good (or bad) habits through modeling them.

 

In Deuteronomy 6 parents are told to teach the Lord’s commands to their children and talk of them “when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” So pretty much all the time! If you are always keeping your kids occupied in play, screens, or other activities while you get things done, you are robbing them of not only  learning those skills but more importantly, you miss opportunities to talk of deeper things and pass on God’s ways more organically as you go about the day.

 

Structure and routine can bring peace and joy by giving us time for the people and things we find truly important.

 

 

Beth Ann Plumberg has been a contact mom since 1995. She has been married to Chuck for 36 years. They are active in teaching parents in their local church. They have 4 grown sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love, 3 adorable grandchildren with #4 on the way!

 

 

13 Feb 2019

Reflecting on 50 years of Marriage – Part 2

by | posted in: Marriage | 0

 

The Ezzos continue their reflections on making a marriage that will last a lifetime.

8.  God is God alone

One’s spouse is never a substitute for God. This was such an important part of our relationship to learn and thankfully, we learned it early in our marriage. This is not to say that there aren’t still times when the Holy Spirit needs to remind us of this truth! It was, and is, unrealistic for Anne Marie to think that Gary can fulfill all her needs, and the same is true for Gary placing those unrealistic expectations on Anne Marie. When we place our spouse in a position that only God can fill, we set each other up for disappointment and resentment.

 

9.  The “red line”

Learn to recognize and respect each other’s “red line”.  For Gary, this means NO motorcycles!!!  Being a nurse, Anne Marie witnessed the damage that can be done from a motorcycle accident and while I (Gary) may have desired to experience the thrill of the open road and the wind in my hair, my desire to provide a reasonable level of security for my wife took priority. For me, (Anne Marie) it’s not making major decisions that involve either finances (personal or ministry) or our schedule (personal or ministry) without checking first with my husband. I learned that the asking wasn’t a matter of not having the intellect or ability to manage both finances and time, but rather that I may not have full knowledge of the all deciding factors.

 

10.  Being mindful of weaknesses

We learned to stay mindful of the weakness that comes with our individual strengths. For example, Anne Marie can see the details. If a screw falls on the floor in Gary’s workshop and he’s spent adequate time looking for it, he knows if he asks me to come and look for it: well, “here it is!” On the other hand, Gary can see the big picture. In our first home that we built, Gary wanted to make “Christian doors” which is the name given to a style of frame and panel doors that form what looks like a cross. All I saw was a big stack of wood; Gary saw the finished product. My comment “you can’t do that” proved to be a teaching moment for me.  Now I rarely, if ever, say “you can’t do that” because 99.9% of the time, he can!

 

11.  Seize adventure together

We share a common curiosity about what’s beyond the horizon. Without this, there is no adventure in your marriage.  We both respect the unknown that is just one step over the horizon, but do not fear it. The most vivid example of this was the $5,000.00 we invested to duplicate the original version of Growing Kids God’s Way, back in 1988. We thought we were catching a glimpse of what God had just over the horizon but were not completely sure.  We took that step of faith, realizing we were risking a considerable sum of money. Everything we now see that is the ministry of Growing Families, was beyond the horizon and we are grateful we seized the adventure together.

 

12.  Respect each other’s hesitation

Learn to respect each other’s hesitation, even though it might mean losing an opportunity.  This allows the hesitant spouse to have time to process and ask legitimate questions that the other may not have considered. Thankfully this is another lesson we learned fairly early on in our marriage. Gary had a very good paying job with great benefits yet he sensed a call to teach and was actually asked by the church we were a part of to become their lead pastor. To take this position would mean giving up the extras and the security of a regular paycheck. Ultimately, the day Gary made his decision he was going to accept that call, God moved in Anne Marie’s heart to prepare a budget of what their exact needs would be, should he decide to accept the pastoral position. The two actions combined led to Gary taking the position at the church, then moving to California for seminary, and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

13.  Appreciate each day

Daily remind each other of the gift of life and where it comes from.  Psalm 23:6 says Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. As the years pass, you realize as a couple that there a fewer tomorrows ahead than there are yesterdays behind. Appreciate each day the Lord gives you to be together and be thankful for the journey. We are closer to saying ‘good-bye’ for now, than our first hello.

 

14.  Be generous

We learned early on that generosity is a way of honoring God because it is an acknowledgement of His benevolence toward us. When we had been married about 4 years, there was a “Missions Week” at our church.  The visiting missionary’s testimony and experience was so compelling that when it came time to provide a love offering, we mutually decided, after comparing our notes and checkbook, that God was directing us to ‘give it all’. We knew it would be a tight week ahead but still sensed it was the right thing to do. That Monday, when I went to get our mail, there was a check for Gary from a previous employer who owed him some withheld wages. The amount? Exactly what we had given the missionary! It was an early lesson in faith and generosity and taught us that one can never out give God.

 

15.  Be a lifelong learner

As we reflect on the past 50 years of marriage and look forward to what is still to come, we continue to grow in understanding of each other.  We strive to speak life to one another and continue to dream of what might be and what God might have planned for the next years of marriage ahead.

 

11 Feb 2019

Reflecting on 50 years of Marriage – Part 1

by | posted in: Marriage | 0

 

What makes for a great marriage that endures the test of time?  The Ezzos share their wisdom on how to keep a Christ-centered marriage going strong:

 

  1. A moment in time

Every marriage relationship has that “moment in time’ when you both realize ‘this is the one!’ You experience that depth of emotion that is called “love” and it’s an overwhelming sensation. Ours was in November of 1967 and it’s a moment we have chosen to remember throughout our now 50+ years of marriage. When we have those moments of temporary (okay maybe longer) frustration, we will remind one another of “November”. That’s all we have to say and it immediately brings back that intense emotional love we have for each other. That, in turn, settles our spirits and reminds us of our love and commitment to one another.

 

  1. See more abilities in your spouse than your spouse sees in him or herself

Throughout our marriage, we have been willing to take a risk based on the other’s assessment of ourselves. Gary saw something in Anne Marie: that she had wisdom that should be shared with young moms, even though Anne Marie’s worst nightmare was to stand up and speak in front of a group. Anne Marie saw that Gary had a gift of taking complex thoughts and concepts and making them understandable and attainable to any level.

 

  1. Love thinks the best!

Even in the most intense moments of fellowship, we came to realize that each one was better than what we saw in that moment. One, or even several, “off times” didn’t define who we were as individuals. Learn to live out “love thinks the best”.

 

  1. Acknowledge your spouse’s disappointment, without words

We learned to not over-spiritualize a moment of pain the other was experiencing, as that actually belittles the legitimacy of his/her emotional pain. Gary had spent at least 80 hours in preparing a message for a conference that was to have approximately 500 people in attendance. When he arrived at the church, he discovered that the secretary had double-booked that weekend and there was a marriage conference happening at the same time.  The result was that there were only 25 parents in the audience. While it is true that “God knew”, it would not have been an encouragement for Anne Marie to speak up that at that moment.  Rather, it would have added salt to an open wound of disappointment and would have minimized all the time and effort that went into preparing for the event.  In moments like these, it is better to acknowledge your spouse’s disappointment, quietly pray, and be a good listener. Nothing more really needs to be said.

 

  1. Empathize with the past

It is important to understand and accept aspects of each other’s growing up years. When we accepted that there were things we could not fix from each other’s childhood, we learned to avoid asking “What’s wrong with you?” and instead would ask “What do you think happened in your life story that created this type of response?”

 

6.    The “Joseph Factor”

We learned, and continue to learn, what we call the “Joseph Factor” (see Matt 1:19). Joseph chose not to shame Mary publically when she shared about her unplanned pregnancy. Practically speaking, that means no “put downs” or even correcting one another in public, especially in matters that really don’t matter.  In the Parenting From the Tree of Life series, we called this “7 Birds on a Fence”.  Click this link to get more information on this important courtesy: https://growingfamilies.life/parenting-from-the-tree-of-lifeblog/2018/6/1/lsv12-04s-seven-birds-on-a-fence

 

  1. The non-compete clause

We are in a partnership, therefore there is no need to compete with one another. This goes back to recognizing one another’s gifts and uniqueness and remembering that God brought us together to function as one.  We do appreciate the fact that we do complete one another and together, by God’s design, can serve others in a better way than we could do alone.

 

 

In Part 2 of this blog, Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo will share more wise principles to make your marriage great.

 

 

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