14 Jul 2019

Practical Tools for Discipling Children

by | posted in: Moral Training, Training | 0

Making disciples for Jesus is our ultimate goal as parents. A disciple is defined as a follower or a pupil. To disciple means to teach or to train.  Here are some thoughts about discipling your children in obedience and moral training.

Before the surgeon makes one cut, we trust he has had years of practice. So, too, the mom and dad taking on the challenge of making disciples need to have had years of practice in being disciples themselves.

  • What is the characterization of your heart?
  • Are you walking in obedience to the Lord?
  • Are you teachable?
  • When you recognize an area that needs work in your life, what do you do?

 

In 2 Timothy 4:2 we are told to preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season.  The passage goes on to say the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine and instead will turn their ears away from the truth.  Mom and Dad, How are your hearts?

We want our children to grow up to be productive contributors to society, taking the message of the gospel into all that they do. It is our job to equip and to train them. Do not assume someone else will do the job. We need to teach our children to always turn to the Lord; He has a solution for any obstacle.

Obedience is the foundation for character change and moral growth in our children. If obedience is lacking, all other efforts to train will be in vain. One of the clearest examples of biblical obedience is in the life of young Samuel and his response to Eli and to God. (see 1 Sam 3:1-10) We can glean 5 important elements of obedience from this short interaction. Samuel responded

1) respectfully

2) immediately

3) completely

4) without complaint

5) without challenge.

See the details of the “Five Fingers of Obedience” here:   https://christianfamilyheritage.org/printables/

As our children grow, so does their obedience training.

During the toddler and preschool years, little ones require lots of repetition.  It helps them learn obedience to have fun and make a game out of it:

  • Recite the five fingers of obedience at the dinner table
  • Practice using a Simon-Says type of game
  • See if your littles can repeat the requirements of obedience back to you; encourage them when they do!

 

Enthusiasm and fun helps with training!  Train your preschoolers during times of non-conflict and make sure you are consistent in what you require of them.

Once your child enters school, you can hold them to a higher standard. If there has been consistency in your training, now is the time to take your pulse as a disciple maker:

  • Is your child characterized by immediate and complete obedience?
  • Prayerfully evaluate your child’s strengths and weaknesses.
  • Plan a ‘date’ with each child to discuss your discipleship goals.
  • Find appropriate Scripture verses that would be helpful for each child to memorize as he matures

 

All of this prepares the child for the transition into the teen years. They are not there yet, but will be soon and you want to make them aware that obedience out of duty is just the first step to spiritual maturity. The goal is that they obey because it is the right thing to do.

A teen on the way to becoming fully mature is a delight to be around. Teenagers should be characterized by all aspects of obedience. Parents should be directing their hearts out of a healthy relationship and not out of authority. Again, it is important that Mom and Dad are characterized by the values they want to instill into their children’s hearts. As we learned in Growing Kids God’s Way, a child can never mature morally beyond the level of parental moral maturity.

Finally, it is important that we remember it is our job as parents to be stocking the child’s moral warehouse full of biblical virtue. Once the rudiment of outward obedience is in place, you can begin to further your child’s moral training. The most powerful tool we have in our arsenal is the Word of God. “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man (or child) of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16.  Use it as you continue to disciple your children to become Christ followers.

 

Randy and Kathy Loewen have been married for 36 years.  They live in Aurora, IL.  They have 4 adult children, 2 daughter-in-loves and 6 grandchildren.  Kathy has been involved in the GEMS Naperville, IL ministry for 20 years.  The Five Fingers of Obedience tools are just one of many tools that they have developed over the years.
7 Jul 2019

Fireworks Indoors ~ Loving a Choleric Child

by | posted in: Temperaments | 0

Watching a fireworks display is one of my favorite activities! I love to watch the precisely timed display of lights and vivid colors. What a spectacular visual event! It’s a truly delightful experience for me, when it’s outdoors. When it is inside our home, I want to run and hide! Living with a choleric child can be a bit of a fireworks display.

The choleric temperament is characterized by being strong-willed and stubborn. Like Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh, the choleric child usually has an opinion and it is always right, in his/her eyes. They are born leaders and tend to be rather independent. They think monarchy, not democracy. ? They like to be in control, but don’t necessarily exhibit self-control. Anger is their besetting sin. When things aren’t going their way, an angry, out-of-control attitude just might rear its ugly head. And we all know that anger is very, very manipulative.

How do you minimize the undesired fireworks displays so that your child uses his strength for the good of mankind?

  • First off, remember you are the parent. A calm, collected parent goes a long way to help a choleric child understand he is a planet, not a star. He is not the center of the universe!
  • Start by training him to have self-control and to think about others. We would ask, “Who are you thinking about right now?” to get our girls to address whether they were being selfish or others focused.
  • Teach him to ask for forgiveness and admit he was wrong. Yes, use the words! Cholerics need to work on submission, and owning the fact they were wrong is a step towards a submissive and humble heart.
  • One way to shut down an indoor fireworks display is to walk away, if it is safe to do so. How spectacular is a fireworks display if there isn’t an audience?!

Paul and Jonah are biblical examples of cholerics. Use Scripture to show your children how God used these mighty men of faith. God bless the choleric children and their parents! They are world-changers when their hearts are submissive to God’s work in their lives. Their fireworks can light up the world’s dark sky, bringing glory to the Lord! Don’t give up praying for your little choleric! God always finishes the work He begins (Philippians 1:6).

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 32 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.

 

28 May 2019

We Speak The Truth

by | posted in: Moral Training | 0

 

Lying is a universal sin. Psalm 58:3 tells us the wicked “go astray from birth speaking lies.” We are all affected. As parents, sooner or later, we must address the problem of lying in our children. As with all such character qualities, this involves both positive and negative methods. God tells us to “put off” sin and to “put on” virtue. (Ephesians 4:22-24, Colossians 3) Our methods are both prohibitive (telling our kids what not to do) and directive (telling them what to do). I will focus on the latter and give you some of the ways we discouraged lying by elevating truth in our home.

 

  • We Speak the Truth

 

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,”

for we are members of one another.  Ephesians 4:25

          When raising our boys we often used the phrase, “We speak the truth.”  Honesty is foundational to a life of integrity and righteousness. Dishonesty is pervasive in our hearts and can take many different forms. We taught our kids that “we speak the truth” in word and action and we taught them the many subtle ways that lying and deceit can creep into our lives.  In a conflict between siblings, before we allowed them to share their side of things, we reminded them, “We speak the truth.” They knew we stood ready to make a righteous judgement but that we expected complete honesty from them. If I needed to question them about their school work or chores, I often prefaced my questions with a “Remember, we speak the truth.”  If there seemed to be any hesitation in sharing information, if I received an “I forgot,” “I don’t know,” or “I don’t remember,” they would again hear the standard of truth. As a general rule we did not accept these kinds of statements as truthful because most of the time my kids didn’t forget, really did know and did remember! Since they were trained to the standard of honesty, it made it easier to show grace when they truly did forget because they were not characterized by making excuses. We preferred this phrase over saying “Don’t lie” because it pointed them to the virtue  and made it easy for us to praise them when they did the right thing!

 

  • Training in Righteousness

Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,

And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. Psalm 51:6

 

We trained our boys in times of non-conflict in the truth from God’s Word. Teaching them when they weren’t in trouble emphasized how important honesty is to us. We made instruction progressive. As our children grew in maturity and understanding, we would take them deeper and define honesty and integrity in more nuanced ways. Speaking truth wasn’t just answering what was specifically asked, it was:

  • giving the whole story without spin
  • setting the record straight even when doing so was less advantageous
  • honoring a copyright even when no one else would know
  • doing a job all the way, even in areas that would go unseen.

Our goal was to raise men who could apply truth to every situation and rightly discern the path of righteousness.  This took time and intentionality.

 

  • Telling Life Stories

 

“…continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you wisdom …” 2 Timothy 3:14-15

 

In addition to giving examples from Scripture, we spoke the truth ourselves and we told our boys real-life stories from our own experience. I would share the time I struggled to tell the truth about a mistake I made at work, but in the end I was so glad I was honest. Or a time as a child when I chose to lie and suffered negative consequences when all was found out! My husband told them about the time he was tempted to lie by omission, allowing his boss to think he had done something he had not. Even when it was more advantageous to let his boss think so, Daddy told the truth anyway. Such anecdotes help our kids to choose right because we have given them an example to follow (or not follow 🙂 Modeling truth for our kids helps them to apply and act on God’s words and principles for themselves. It builds on the power of your relational influence and encourages them to choose rightly when they are tempted.

 

  • Praise for Honesty

 

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in those who are truthful” Proverbs 2:22

 

God is pleased when we speak the truth. We made a point of praising our children for speaking the truth especially in times when we knew it was difficult. There were times we would test their hearts by asking them to tell us things when we already had the information, just to be able to praise them and reinforce the importance of being honest. We taught them that honesty is the basis for trust in any relationship. The more we could trust them the more freedom they could enjoy. Truth was highly valued and highly praised in our home.

 

Lying is a universal sin all parents must confront. What are you doing proactively to counteract it?  By elevating truth through instruction, praise, and example, we give our kids the best opportunity to obey and learn to speak the truth.

 

 

Beth Ann Plumberg has been a contact mom since 1995. She has been married to Chuck for 36 years. They are active in teaching parents in their local church. They have 4 grown sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love, 3 adorable grandchildren with #4 on the way!

 

 

 

 

22 May 2019

Hopeful Questioning – Stop Encouraging the Lie

by | posted in: Moral Training | 0

 

“Did you brush your teeth?  Are you sure?  I did not hear the water.  Your toothbrush does not feel very wet.  Where is the tube of toothpaste?”  Does this sound like a typical evening ritual in your house?  I know it used to happen in my house.  While all this questioning might seem right, what if I told you these questions were actually encouraging your child to lie?

 

We all know that teeth brushing is important for healthy hygiene.  We desperately want our children to brush their teeth.  Actually, we desperately want our children to want to brush their teeth.  Actually, we desperately want our children to want to brush their teeth and to do it without being told or questioned.  Is that not why we ask the question?  We know they probably did not brush their teeth, but there is this teeny-tiny bit of hope within us that believes that this time, the child will have actually brushed his teeth and told the truth about it.  So, with hope in hand, the questioning begins, and it either ends with the child getting away with lying (usually in the desire to just have peace in the house), or having to do some fancy investigation work to prove that he did not, in fact, brush his teeth.  It is the proverbial catch twenty-two.

 

Maybe the problem is not in the lack of desire to polish those pearly whites.  Maybe the problem lies in the question itself.  And lest you think this tale of mine only applies to teeth brushing, I assure you it applies to any area of parenting where a behavior is being cultivated: cleaning your room, doing your chores, finishing your homework, eating your dinner, and getting ready for bed.  Oh, and that is not an exhaustive list.  It is just the biggies!

 

Believe it or not, children really do want to please their parents.  They do not want to do the required work, though.  When you ask your child if he has brushed his teeth, he will be quite tempted to say yes.  It is not so much that he wants to lie, as he just wants to please you.  I am not suggesting that the child is acting appropriately.  I am suggesting that your question encouraged him to lie in the first place.  Ouch!

 

What is a tired, busy, honesty-loving parent to do?  Stop asking the question!  Well, at least stop asking the question after the fact.  If you have a little one, plan to be in the bathroom and give some parental guidance to the teeth brushing routine.  Then there is not even a reason to ask the question.  I know, I know.  You have four kids and the last thing you want to do at 8:00 pm is stand in the bathroom for 20 minutes while the kids brush their teeth.  I have been there.  I get it.  I also have perspective now that my kids are grown, so I have earned the right to say, “It’s really not as big of a deal as you think it is.  Just do it.  One day you’ll be wishing you had another chance to spend those 20 minutes in the bathroom with your little one just being together.”  This is where you groan at me and tell me that I do not remember how exhausting those little ones can be.  And this is where I tell you, “No, I remember, and I actually miss it.”  Now, go stand in the bathroom.

 

For those of you with kiddos that are a wee bit older, say over the age of 7, you should stop asking the question after the fact.  No, you do not need to hang out in the bathroom and watch your 12-year-old like a hawk to make sure he polishes every tooth.  That would actually be exhausting to both you and your child.  This is where the parenting gig gets harder.  There is this thing called trust.  And, there is this thing called natural consequences.  This is where your parenting mettle really gets tested.

 

Let’s talk about trust for a moment.  Hopefully you have been cultivating a trusting relationship with your child in all things.  If you have not, well, then truthful tooth brushing is really not your biggest issue right now.  We will have to save that for another blog.  If you have been making it a point to be a truthful parent, and to expect truthfulness from your child, here is another one of those areas to reinforce the virtue of truth.  Rather than asking your child if he brushed his teeth after he was told to do so, try asking your child what things he needs to do to get ready for bed before-hand.  When you ask this pro-active question, the child has the chance to hear himself tell you all the things he is supposed to do, which hopefully includes brushing his teeth.  When a child hears himself say the things he is supposed to do, he is far more likely to actually do them.  Once he has told you he needs to brush his teeth, he will probably go and do it.  Notice, I said “probably”.  All kids are different.  Different temperaments are going to react a little differently.  Now you are asking me, “But what if they don’t actually brush their teeth?”  This is where natural consequences come in to play.

 

What happens when we do not brush our teeth?  Bad breath, infected gums, cavities, etc.  These things are called natural consequences.  If your child is not brushing his teeth, it will catch up to him.  And when that time comes, you will have a discussion about how his poor choice led to this pain and agony that could have been avoided simply by brushing his teeth each night.  At that point, the issue is no longer about him lying about brushing his teeth when asked the question.  At that point, the issue is that he made a poor choice to disobey the expectations and he is now suffering the consequences.  Natural consequences are a parent’s best friend.  You were not the big, bad, mean parent that doled out some horrible punishment for not brushing his teeth.  Your child actually did that to himself.  There is no one to blame but himself.  The bonus is that you do not have to be the one to give the lecture.  He will receive that lecture from both the hygienist and the dentist.  And, then you can go home and watch your 12-year-old brush his teeth!  Haha

 

The temptation to ask a child if they have done what they are supposed to do is the same temptation that leads to the child lying about whether or not they actually did it.  I encourage you to stop asking “if” they did something, and start asking them “what” they are supposed to do. Then, let the chips fall where they may.  I hope you did not think parenting was going to be easy.  It is not! But, it is worth it, even if it means you spend twenty tired minutes in the bathroom while your 3, 5, and 7-year-olds brush their teeth.  Maybe, just maybe, you will wish it was that simple again one day.

 

 

Tricia McDonald is the wife of SGM(ret) McDonald and four adult children.  She is learning to adjust to civilian life now that her husband has retired.  She is also learning to adjust to life without homeschooling, as all of her children have graduated.  Tricia volunteers her time teaching U.S. History to local homeschooled high schoolers, and coordinating music for a local semi-professional youth theatre.  She enjoys blogging from time and time and is trying to figure out what she should be when she grows up.  She wants to encourage all the young moms to hang in there and enjoy the moments, as they will pass far more quickly than you ever thought possible.

 

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