4 Sep 2019

Understanding The Melancholy Child

by | posted in: Temperaments | 0

All parents will benefit from understanding the four temperaments and the strengths and weaknesses of each.  Why is that important?  Because although the biblical standard does not change, every child is unique and understanding what makes them “tick” will help you parent with wisdom.  Let’s explore the melancholy temperament and what you need to focus on in your parenting of this child to help him/her reach his God-given potential.

Melancholy people are introspective, creative, organized, punctual, reliable, and sensitive.  You might see them enjoying creative hobbies because they often have an artistic side.  Some excel in music or the arts.  Sometimes they see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full.  They are deep thinkers and they also have deep emotions which can tire them easily.  Melancholy children enjoy a routine.  They don’t mind having room time – in fact, they look forward to it!  This gives them the time and space they need for their creative juices to flow.  And they don’t mind time alone.

What do you need to focus on when parenting the melancholy child?  Consider the following:

  • Thinking on things that are true. Melancholy children need to learn at an early age to focus on things that are true. (Phil. 4:6)  If your child asks a lot of “what if” questions, remind him that things that may or may not happen in the future are not “true.”  Teaching your children simple Scripture verses is a great way to think on things that are true!

          Your word is truth!  (John 17:17)

God is love.  (1 John 4:8)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  (Proverbs 3:5)

  • Being flexible. Show your Melancholy child how to be flexible.  Things don’t always go as planned.  They need to be graceful and understanding when plans change.
  • Being cheerful. Work on cheerfulness with your Melancholy!  Melancholies have joy in their hearts but sometimes their faces forget to show it!  Singing “If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it…” is a fun way to remind your child to smile.
  • Recognizing his need for space. Honor your child’s need for alone time.  This is easy to accomplish with your preschool children by scheduling in ‘room time’ each day. But as they grow and their days are filled with school and activities, be sure to encourage them to have margin in their schedules. By the way, for the home-schooled student, doing schoolwork alone in his room doesn’t count as time just “to be.”  Allow her some time and space to enjoy the quiet and just ponder.
  • Gaining self-control over his/her emotions. When your Melancholy’s emotions get out of control, a gentle reminder to fold his or her hands will help him reign them in.

Understanding your child’s personality will help you be the best parent possible, regardless of her temperament!

Bethany Mounts and her husband, Brian live in the Charleston, SC area with their three sons. They lead classes together and Bethany serves on the board for Christian Family Heritage in addition to being a Contact Mom.
26 Aug 2019

It’s Okay to Say No

by | posted in: Family, Routine | 0

I am the queen of collecting time management books. Each one I read gives at least one “Ah ha!” tip that helps my life run smoother. These wonderful books have touched all areas of my life as a wife, mother, and homemaker. I can now clean my house better, faster, and greener. I use a spreadsheet to map out my “perfect week.” Although I have yet to experience a perfect week, I have a goal to shoot for!

The one common thread to all of these books is the word “No.” Yes, it’s “No.” You just cannot say yes to everything that comes along in your life. For example, your kiddo wants a kitten. Ask, “Is this the best time to bring a pet into our family?” Think through: is this season of your family’s life open to adding another family member? Will the responsibilities be upon your shoulders or someone else’s? As much as we want to be Supermom, we don’t want to be Supertired Mom or Supergrumpy Mom.

That question was intentionally pointed at a child’s request. But what about your life, Mama? Are there activities you want to participate in that are just not the best for this season of your life? It’s okay to say, “No.” Most activities and leadership positions will be there years down the road. Personally, I had a hard time saying no to a weekly prayer group. I love to pray with my community! As I contemplated the amount of time it would take, I decided that it would be a better fit post-homeschooling. That was a fifteen-year wait, but so worth it!

When people approach you with an offer to serve, and they know you are the perfect person to do it, it is hard to say, “No, but thank you for thinking of me.” Some things I have learned over the years:

  • Talk with your husband. See what he thinks because his perspective might be 180 degrees different than yours!
  • Pray for the Lord to provide the right person. And if that person is you, pray that He will confirm that to you and your husband.
  • Evaluate your season of life. Do you have littles that need a consistent stay-at-home schedule? Are you homeschooling and need to be at home? Does your husband travel and you need spontaneous breaks to celebrate his return?
  • Would this activity be good, better, or best for you? For your children? For your marriage? For your family life?

It really is okay to say, “No.” When we overbook our already busy lives, we remove the margin that our hearts and families need. Margin is that white space we all need in our lives ~ husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, and children. I got the next idea from a Contact Mom. ? If you are feeling stressed just reading this, ask your husband what he thinks should go in your schedule. It might surprise you as to what he thinks what will add or subtract from your family’s happiness! Get ready to say some “No’s” so you can enjoy this season of your life and live life well!

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 32 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.
18 Aug 2019

Rollercoasters Belong in Theme Parks

by | posted in: Temperaments | 0

 

Theme parks have been part of my life since I was a little kid. As I grew older, I enjoyed rollercoasters more! What scared me to death as a little kid was now a thrilling adventure. And if I did get scared, I’d tell myself, “It’s all an equation.” That was a secret code for, “The person who designed this got an A in the class, so you are safe.”

Having a melancholy temperament, I have ridden a few emotional rollercoasters in my life. Okay, more like millions ~ not just a few! I can go from the depths of depression to the heights of ecstasy. I can overthink a problem to the point of having people ask me to just quit. I’m working on that. I have a few close friends, but my definition of “friend” is different than that of a sanguine.

How can you help your melancholy child get off the emotional rollercoaster ride? Here are some tips that have helped me!

  • Teach your child to fold their hands. Yes, even teens! Such a simple action helps their brains take a break from “Ahhhhh!”
  • Memorize Scripture. Do a Bible study on fear, perfectionism, self-esteem, friends ~ whatever causes your melancholy to spiral out of control. We melancholies are complicated little souls and usually have several areas of our lives that can cause us to “lose it.” Choose some verses and encourage your child to memorize them so he can rely on them when the rollercoaster starts up. Learning to take their thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) helps them get control of their thoughts and break the pattern of doom and imperfection.
  • Praise your melancholy when they do well. They do not have to achieve “Best” on the Good/Better/Best scale every single time. Perfectionism is a huge strength and weakness in the melancholy. We are detail oriented and getting 98% of something done can be a stumbling block. We want 100%! Some jobs require only 75%, so let them know when they have reached the point of good enough.
  • Help your melancholy create a schedule for when things need to be done. This goes along with the perfectionism strength/weakness. Melancholies tend to procrastinate because they are waiting for a big chunk of time to get the job done perfectly. When they run out of time, they do a quick-and-dirty job and get depressed because they didn’t do their best. It’s a vicious cycle!
  • Remind your melancholy that there are three other temperament types. Usually we are blends of temperaments, but we have a primary temperament ~ even melancholies aren’t 100% melancholy! Most of my frustration with others has been because I did not consider their temperament, and I expected them to be like me. Bad idea! This is a classic case of people not being wrong, but being different. Okay, sometimes, they are wrong! ?
  • Pray for one or two good friends. Melancholies tend to be introverts, and making friends is difficult and time-consuming. Plus, melancholies tend to expect their friends to be just as committed to the friendship as they are ~ an “all in” attitude. Remind them that not everyone experiences friendship at the same level.
  • Help your melancholy recognize when they are getting on the rollercoaster. Just as you would watch for your playpen escapee to put one foot on top of the side, show your melancholy when their emotions and attitude are close to the top of the side. Do it gently though ~ remember, we are sensitive little souls!

The Lord created the melancholy temperament and did not make a mistake. Some great men and women in Scripture were melancholies: Elijah (my hero!), Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus’ mother, Mary. Take heart, dear melancholy parent, that your child’s strengths and weaknesses are exactly what our world needs!

Just one more thing ~ the person who designed the rollercoaster was most likely a melancholy! ?

 

Glen and Jerrine Hicks have been married 32 years and live near Sedalia, CO.  They have two adult daughters and one son-in-love.  Jerrine’s idea of a perfect day would include a pot of PG Tips tea, some dark chocolate, a Jane Austen movie, and time reading Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Jerry Bridges, Emilie Barnes or L.M. Montgomery.  She loves couchtime with her Glen.  She is an introvert.  😉  The Hickses have been involved with Growing Families since 1996.

 

14 Aug 2019

Mealtime Manners: Does it Really Matter?

by | posted in: Mealtime Manners | 1

 

What does dinner look like at your house?  Are there manners or mayhem? Are your children refined or rude at the table?  Is conversation gracious or graceless?  And does it really matter anyway?

It does matter because embedded within mealtime etiquette are otherness virtues that intuitively resonate with people. People not only connect with the courtesy message, they also appreciate the messenger, even if the messenger is only a six-year-old child. Good manners will always minister grace and life. And that matters!

That conclusion leads to this warning: Parents who underestimate the profound influence that mealtime manners will have on their child are already taking a risk with their child’s future. Good manners will always give children an advantage in life, because people always respond positively to the well-mannered child. And some of those people will be people of influence.

 

Mealtime Basics: What Not To Do 

The prohibitions contained in the list below are so common that you might actually hear your mother’s voice as you work through each item. The items on the list do not require a detailed explanation on our part, but they might require a greater explanation when teaching them to your children. As you begin to transfer these concepts, please remember to provide your children with the moral reason “why.” The moral reason “why” plays a significant role in the transmission of each courtesy because it helps children connect their behavior to a purpose and not simply to a prohibition. Thus, the simple instruction, “Elbows off the table,” will never be sufficient if your child does not know how his actions are tied back to the moral consideration of others.  In this case, an elbow or elbows resting on the table while dining is viewed as poor manners for at least two reasons. First, to do so tends to bring the entire body closer to the table, potentially intruding on the space of those with whom the meal is being shared. Second, elbows on the table can also communicate boredom or detachment, especially in formal settings. To do so is construed as one being anti-social and unwilling to engage the moment, thus robbing others of the pleasure associated with the relational aspects of dining. However, elbows resting on the table after the meal, when lingering in conversation, is accepted as a comfortable conversational position, without a tinge of rudeness attached.

The final point to make before reviewing the list is to remind the reader that each prohibition has its own antonym, that is, a corresponding encouragement. For example, “Do not talk with your mouth full of food,” also implies, “Finish chewing your food thoroughly before speaking.” “Do not smack your food,” implies “Chew quietly with your mouth closed.” At some point in your training, courtesy prohibitions must be balanced with the expected behavior.

Each item on the list below is considered discourteous and requires Mom or Dad’s attention. Most can be handled with verbal reminders that continually point toward what a child should do and not simply what the child is doing wrong.

Instruct your child that it is impolite to:

  • Chew his food with his mouth open, or talk with food in her mouth.
  • Fill the mouth so full that the cheeks bulge while chewing.
  • Spear large pieces of food with his fork, and then bite pieces off from the fork.
  • Let any unpleasant sound leave her body, including sniffing, snorting, smacking, or loudly crunching food.
  • Lean across the table or reach for an item that intrudes into the space of another person.
  • Eat with his elbows on the table, or slump in her chair while at the table.
  • Comment unfavorably about the food or table setting.
  • Wave or point with a utensil.
  • Continually get up and down from his chair while at the dinner table.
  • Play with her food (especially when it’s been set apart by prayer).
  • Take helpings so large that little to no food is left for others.
  • Take food off of serving plates with his fingers.
  • Make inappropriate hand gestures or use language that is inappropriate, or voice tones that are loud or disruptive.
  • Ask a question to a person who is chewing food, or taking a drink of water, or talking to another person.
  • Use her own silverware when taking food, instead of the serving utensils that belong with the food item.
  • Snatch a food item from a serving plate or bread basket that is being passed to another person.

This list represents basic mealtime courtesies that, when in place, create an environment in which everyone feels comfortable, and consideration for others is given preeminence. Then mealtime can be enjoyed by all!

 

 

Excerpt from Parenting From the Tree of Life: Part Two by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo

 

 

 

 

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