15 Dec 2019

A Kingdom Principle that Brings LIFE to your Family

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training | 0

Is it possible for siblings to be best friends?  We think so.  The number one tool we learned from Growing Kids God’s Way that fostered this friendship and has continued their friendship into adulthood is Repentance – Forgiveness – Restoration (R/F/R).  Life happens and we wound one another along the way, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.  Until we taught our children how to deal with those wounds, there were broken bridges in their relationships.  Our oldest son ministers to troubled youth and one of the first steps of his training was exploring broken family relationships.  He was grateful we had required R/F/R in our family so that he didn’t have divisions that needed to be overcome.  Many of his fellow students had broken sibling relationships that needed to heal before they could begin to help the youth who would be assigned to them.  Another one of our sons shared that his relationship with his siblings formed the picture of the kind of friendships he and his wife were looking for when they moved to a new community.   God’s ways are a good prescription for life and He did a beautiful thing in our family as we applied His principles of R/F/R.  We haven’t done it perfectly, but we’ve had a target to aim for.  His mercy and grace have made up the difference.

What does sibling offense look like?

When one sibling does or says something (or neglects to do or say something) that offends the other one, the bridge of fellowship is damaged or broken.  Offenses might include hitting, yelling, sarcasm, laughing at the other one, taking another’s possession, destroying something that belongs to the other person, or refusing to talk, play, or be around the other person.  You get the idea.  Maybe you have an angry child who reacts to a sibling harshly or resists your leadership.  These are clues that something is going on below the surface.  I don’t think our house was the only one with these kinds of problems.  As the parent, sometimes I knew what had happened, but sometimes the bridge was damaged and I only saw the fallout.

Helping siblings walk through R/F/R

In our home, making things right was not optional.  For children as young as 4 years old, we began to teach, coach, and guide them through acknowledging their sin, asking for forgiveness, forgiving, and restoring the relationship.  Once the process was understood, practice helped further cement the principles of R/F/R in their hearts, and we had plenty of opportunities to practice!  Until the child was ready to walk through R/F/R, he didn’t have the freedom to go anywhere or do anything else.  Time alone to reflect on his part of the rift was often helpful.  Rather than teaching them together, I usually found it beneficial to separate the siblings to help them process individually and then bring them back together.  A prayer like, “Lord, You see and know all things.  Help me navigate the relational mess we have now” invited Wisdom to guide me.  As the parent, I may have needed to help our children prepare for R/F/R with a sibling by asking questions to direct their thinking like:  “What did you do or say in this situation?”  “How would you feel if you were your sibling?”  “What do you think you need to do to make this right?”   The problem was seldom one-sided.   In the training years, we role-played between the parent and child before we walked through R/F/R between siblings.  As they grew in their understanding of why this process was important, they did it on their own.  Many times I didn’t even know it happened, but I experienced the peaceful fruit of righteousness in our home.

Is it worth the effort to train your children in R/F/R?

Teaching R/F/R is time consuming, but we realized we were training our children in a life skill and it was worth the investment of our time and attention.  If your children don’t have a good relationship with one another, then family gatherings will lack the love, laughter, and togetherness you long for.  Not only did R/F/R help our children become and remain friends, but they learned a valuable tool to apply in other friendships and their future marriages.   One of our daughters-in-law shared with me how the first time her fiancé humbled himself and confessed, “I was wrong when I . . .” she was taken aback.  She didn’t remember ever experiencing this in her family.  She was surprised how easy it was to forgive and how quickly the wound was healed.  Parents, we aren’t parenting only for today.  The truths we impart to our children today have a generational and a Kingdom impact.

Where else can you use R/F/R?

If your children are too young to apply R/F/R, then take the principles and use them in your marriage.  You can also use them with your child when you get angry or harsh with him.  Confess and repent of your sin; ask the child to forgive you; and do or say whatever it takes to communicate “You are valuable, and I want you to know that our relationship is important” to restore the relationship.  As you walk through R/F/R, you will be modeling for the little people in your home a Kingdom principle that brings LIFE!

Beth Blunk is adjusting to the empty nest years, after 25 years of homeschooling and having launched six children into their adult years.  Enjoying life and ministry with her husband Ed, they look forward to fun adventures with their grandchildren (nine and counting), as well as the ministry of encouragement to young couples and families in the Kansas City area.  Making memories with her own growing extended family is a priority for Beth.  She enjoys flower gardening, hospitality, and mentoring other young wives and mothers. Beth serves as a Contact Mom.
11 Dec 2019

How to Get Out of the Pit – Repentance, Forgiveness, and Restoration, Part 2

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training, Parenting from The Tree of Life | 0

In my first blog, I defined the process of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.  Now I’d like to explain how we taught this process to our children.

What you will need:

1 black trash bag

1 white trash bag

Red construction paper

Scissors

1 Sharpie-type marker

Directions:

Fold each trash bag into a flat square and place a few feet apart on the floor.

Trace your foot on the red paper and cut out 3 footprints. Write on each footprint one word:

  1. Repentance 2. Forgiveness 3. Restoration

Place these on the floor in order between the 2 trash bags. Everything should be close enough to follow the foot path easily from the black to the white trash bag.

We taught our children this verse: 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

The process:

  • The black trash bag represents us in our sinful state. (This somehow got labeled “The Pit” in our house.) It is where we start when there has been an offense against another family member. We had the ‘offender’ stand on the black trash bag facing away from the footsteps. The ‘offended’ party was nearby.
  • Step 1: Repentance

When the offender was ready, he had to physically turn around 180° to take the first step of repentance. This was an outward demonstration of what we were encouraging in the heart of our children. Since the verse says to “confess our sins”, we taught our children to verbally confess the offense. The definition of the word confess in this context means “to agree with, to speak the same thing.” The offender must admit to his wrong action or attitude and “speak the same thing” as God about his offense. We had him complete the phrase “I agree I was wrong for…” and name the wrong action, i.e. yelling at my brother, not doing what I was told, telling Mom “No” etc.

  • Step 2: Forgiveness

Next we had the offender ask the offended for forgiveness. We taught them to use the phrase, “Will you please forgive me for…” and we had them label the offense, i.e. for being angry and unkind, disobedient, rebellious, etc. This helped them to get to the root of the sinful attitudes that led to the wrong action. The offended party at this point would affirm his forgiveness. As the parent, I would assure my child that just like the Lord is “faithful and just to forgive us”, I always stood ready to forgive him. He only needs to reach out to accept it.

  • Step 3: Restoration

Sometimes there is more needed than just words and hugs. This step is added in cases where restitution might be needed to fully restore the relationship. In such situations we had the offending child ask the offended, “What can I do to make this right?” A child might do chores to replace a broken item, give back extra for something stolen, or go back to speak truth to someone to whom he lied. Once the right course of action has been decided, the matter can be considered closed. The child should follow through in a timely manner. If restitution is not required this footstep can be placed in the white square.

  • The White Trash Bag is the end of the process. All is forgiven and the sin is cleansed and buried to be remembered no more. We taught and modeled for our kids that forgiveness meant that we would not bring up the offense again or let it stand in the way of our relationship.

We would take our kids through this process in a time of non-conflict, having them role play being the offender and the offended. We would leave it all set up for a week or so and, if appropriate, we would use it as conflicts came up. It gave a concrete picture of these concepts that we could refer to again and again long after it was all put away.

We kept it very simple for our youngest children. Even toddlers can learn the process and phrases, although they won’t understand the relational component of repentance until they are closer to 4- or 5-years-old. We also did not require our 3-year-olds to be very specific in confession but often helped to supply the words to help them understand how they disobeyed. Once our children were trained in the process and a little older, we could begin to require more from them as their understanding increased. We would teach from God’s Word and pray with and over our children during this time of reconciliation. We also modeled these steps when we had our own sins and failures to confess.

So why are the footsteps red?

This tool was originally designed to present the Gospel to children. We are all born in “The Pit,” i.e. “dead in trespasses and sins.” (Ephesians 2:1) The power to take the steps to repent and to receive forgiveness and salvation is through the blood of Christ shed for us on the cross. The red footsteps remind us it is only by His blood, His atoning work, that we are able to step from darkness (The Pit) into His marvelous light – fully restored to a right relationship with Him.

 “Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him,” Colossians 2:6

Repentance and forgiveness are the practical steps to both receive Christ Jesus as Savior and walk with Him each day, restoring and maintaining an abiding relationship with the Lord and our fellow man. It is the duty of every Christian parent to teach these things to our children, as well as practice them ourselves. In so doing, we are a beautiful illustration of the Gospel to the world.

*This is my personal adaptation of this teaching tool I first learned years ago from Carla Link.

Beth Ann Plumberg and her recently retired husband, Chuck, have 4 wonderful sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love and 5 adorable grandchildren. They have been married for 37 years and have taught parenting classes since 1993.
4 Dec 2019

Repentance, Forgiveness, and Restoration, Part 1

by | posted in: Heart Training, Moral Training, Parenting from The Tree of Life | 0

Conflicts are a normal part of family life. With four boys at home, resolving conflict was a regular occurrence at our house. I found that teaching my children to reconcile their differences biblically was the number one way that I taught them to live out the Gospel in their lives. Resolving conflict God’s way requires humility, understanding, compassion, and moral maturity.  There is no greater demonstration of love, no greater testimony to the power of God in our lives, no greater picture of the Gospel at work in us than when we admit our faults and resolve our conflicts through the biblical process of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.

In Growing Kids God’s Way, Gary Ezzo teaches that repentance and forgiveness must be understood in the context of relationship. Restoration of the affected relationship is the goal. It isn’t enough that I regret my sin or even hate it.  I must regret how my actions have affected my relationship with the offended party. And when I am offended, Jesus taught that I must forgive as I have been forgiven. Furthermore, if I do not forgive my brother his sins against me, God will not forgive me. (Matthew 6:12, 14)

Here’s a look at each of the components of this process:

  • Repentance – Repentance begins with the offender. The word repent means to stop, turn around, and go 180° the other way. We must recognize that when we sin, we have gone in a direction opposite of what God has commanded. To maintain our relationships with others when we have sinned, we must have both a change of heart and a change of action. We must not only admit that we were wrong but also change our actions to be consistent with our words.
  • Forgiveness – To forgive means to pardon an offense and to treat the offender as if he is not guilty. Forgiveness begins with the person who is offended but for the relationship to be completely restored, both parties must agree and the offender must seek and accept the forgiveness that is offered. If the offended forgives but the offender never receives it, the restoration is incomplete and the relationship remains strained.
  • Restoration – To restore is to return something to its previous condition. This is the goal of this process: to put our relationships back to a place of good will and harmony. In addition to repentance and forgiveness, restoration sometimes includes restitution – some sort of action that rights the wrong. If my offense included personal or financial injury, I would make that right by replacing, paying for, or fixing what was damaged.

We taught these principles to our children. We required them to restore broken relationships by using this process, to keep their accounts with others up-to-date, and to not harbor bitterness but to freely forgive.

The amount of time required to reconcile depended upon the seriousness of the offense and the willfulness of those involved. Minor issues could be resolved pretty quickly. An example would be when my son is admonished for speaking harshly to his brother; he quickly repents and asks for forgiveness on the spot. Forgiveness is offered and accepted and within moments we have all moved on. Major sin issues or conflicts could take much longer. We often required the offender to sit in quiet reflection until he was ready to repent and make things right. If he came out to reconcile but did not demonstrate a truly humble attitude, we sent him back until he could. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario for every conflict and wisdom dictates that while we should hold our children consistently to the standard, we must take care to not exasperate them by belaboring the process.

When helping your child through this process you must consider their age, maturity, and ability to understand what you require. In part 2 of this blog, I will explain how we taught our children to work through conflict using the principles of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.

Beth Ann Plumberg and her recently retired husband, Chuck, have 4 wonderful sons, 4 beautiful daughters-in-love and 5 adorable grandchildren. They have been married for 37 years and have taught parenting classes since 1993.
24 Nov 2019

Meal Planning – Confessions of a Procrastinator

by | posted in: Mealtime Manners | 0

There are a few chores that I really don’t mind doing: washing and folding laundry, making beds, picking up toys. There are others that I procrastinate on: actually putting away that folded laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and meal planning! Why does meal planning feel like such a chore? Our family doesn’t go without food if I neglect to meal plan, we just end up spending a lot more money and eating a lot of the same things.

The struggle with meal planning is I want it to be perfect. I want to make meals that are nutritious, cost efficient, vary in cuisine, appeal to my children, and look presentable to guests (as if there’s a chance we may have spontaneous company one night). The problem is, I don’t know how to cook like they do on Pinterest or make my dinners look like the pictures featured in the cookbooks. My kids are particular about what they like, and they all like different things. And I definitely don’t have the extra margin to try new recipes each night! So I find myself throwing in the towel on meal planning before I even begin.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Cooking and sharing a meal is meant to be an enjoyable task. It is where we will have conversation, connect with our families, and take time to sit together. And with just a little bit of effort and a few easy steps, we can eliminate a lot of 5:00 headaches by taking time to plan in advance.

  • One of the simplest ways to start a meal plan is to bring a clean sheet of notebook paper to the dinner table. Start by going around the room and asking your family members what their favorite meals are and then write those down. It is actually fun to hear what they have to say and this process can provoke great conversation.
  • Next, fill in with the meals you tend to make on a regular basis, if they weren’t all mentioned already. You will be surprised at how many meals you can jot down just from a quick family poll and from your go-to dinner list. (And trust me, our go-to dinner list started off as cold cereal and take-out before we had kids – but each year it seems to expand.) Another quick tip, anytime you make a new meal, print the recipe. I keep all my printed recipes in a 3-ring binder in a kitchen cabinet. This proves to be a great tool whenever I can’t think of what to cook and can help you create your initial list.
  • Now that you have your list, start to categorize your meals. You can categorize by protein (chicken, beef, pork, fish,) or by cuisine (Italian, Mexican, American). I sometimes even categorize by type of meal, for example: tacos (we have quite a few variations of taco recipes), crock-pot meals, soups, casseroles, pastas, etc. Creating categories really helps with the next step of laying meals out for the week and month.
  • Now, grab your calendar. I like to meal plan in month segments. You may just want to start with a week at a time. If you don’t use a written calendar at home, just print a blank calendar for the month and start to fill in your schedule. Is there a night your family orders pizza or likes to go out to eat? What about kids’ sporting events? Are any during dinner time? Meal planning actually made us more intentional about having family nights when we would order pizza. It also helped me prepare quick meals (like tacos or wraps) to bring in a cooler on nights we were at the football or soccer field. What about a date night? I love putting that one in the meal plan calendar because that means I don’t have to cook! But I’ll make sure we have something simple for dinner for a sitter to prepare. I like to fill these nights in first, before planning the other meals.
  • Lastly, fill in the remaining nights by using your categories from your list. The categories help you to plan a variety of meals each week, so it’s not tacos and enchiladas back-to-back or all pasta dishes another week. As a general rule, I try to leave one night open later in the week for leftovers.

The whole process of meal planning is truly not as time consuming and overwhelming as we make it out to be. So drop perfection and get practical. Get in your kitchen and enjoy cooking because you know those memories around the dinner table are the ones that will last. And put your laundry away.

Blaire Johnson is a stay-at-home mom to five children ages 11, 8, 6, 3, & 1. She and her husband, Travis, have been involved in the GFI ministry since 2008 and have led classes since 2012. They live in Mt Pleasant, South Carolina.
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